Since our return home from Saudi Arabia, (A place I once feared and had zero desire to move to.)  I have been facilitating a series of workshops for students – sharing what day-to-day life was like while emphasizing critical life, leadership and people skills that they will need throughout their lives.

In each workshop students are given a visual of a natural process that will happen the rest of their lives – as they decide if they have the courage to leave their comfort zones or the grit to survive when life hands them circumstances they can’t control.

“ Learning to embrace life outside your comfort zone is a critical skill.

Some of the questions I’ve been asked about Saudi are worth sharing:

What was the best part?

• Living in an International Compound: Sharing life, friendship, and food with people from more than 50 nations and learning from them.
• Riding motorcycle with men and women from all over the world and getting to experience parts of Saudi that many expats don’t get to enjoy. (Yes – My motorcycle jacket had ½ of an abaya attached to it and could be rolled up when I was on the bike and rolled down when I was off the bike. Allowing me to be respectful and safe while enjoying time on the bike with my husband.)
• Vacationing in 11 countries besides Saudi and Bahrain in the 4 years we were there.

What was the hardest thing for you?

In order to say yes to living there I adjusted my expectations – intentionally trying not to expect things that I would expect at home. Most of the time that plan worked. Although, I never appreciated things that made life less clear, fair and efficient – I didn’t ride big waves of frustration.  There were two big exceptions in the four years that we were there:

• The first time was when there were bombings at mosques in cities near us three weekends in a row. The company we worked for hosted a security meeting and I expected that they would recommend a security protocol for our housing compound. The company did not have any of their own staff present – sending only their subcontracted security firm – who would not provide that information without the company’s approval. So we received none of the information I expected to receive, the entire meeting felt like a giant placebo and a waste of time. And I really struggled to find a new perspective and reset my expectations.
• The second time was this past summer when thousands of people – many who are dear friends – had their homes flooded in Louisiana.  I shared links on my Facebook page so that people could donate and support them. Not long before that, a man had been arrested and was serving time in a neighboring and much more liberal country for doing something similar. As a result, some of my neighbors in the sandbox strongly encouraged me to take my post down. As they shared their concerns, I remembered a few other situations in our location so I did as they suggested.  But I raged against the lack of clarity and the inconsistencies that caused this confusion and the need to even consider the possibility of removing the post.  Especially when my biggest desire was to support friends in need and the organizations I was recommending were vetted and trusted.

What was the biggest lesson?

• In order to embrace our unwanted change I learned to used both my brain and my heart in balance.  Constantly seeking truth instead of urban legends and choosing love over fear.
• As I watched the news while we lived in the sandbox, I noticed that in nearly every divisive issue in our world –  we are pushed to choose one of two sides: Total Acceptance OR Fear.
• We were all given a Brain AND a Heart. When we intentionally BALANCE the use of both we discover a third option -that leads to wiser and more compassionate decisions and healthier relationships, workplaces, communities, and nations.

Are you glad you are home?

Yes.  I miss the people we came to know and love and I am so thankful for our time there.  At the same time I am savoring life here in a new way:

• I fight tears when I sit in a church building – free to worship as I please.
• I giggle like a schoolgirl when I drive my car.
• And I am intentionally leveraging my freedom of speech at a higher level – hoping to encourage others to utilize this extraordinary freedom at a higher level and increase our ability to dialogue with and learn from each other.

 Did your values change?

• My values stayed the same, but they become deeper and stronger.
• My vision for helping people, workplaces, communities, nations and our world – grew significantly.

Would you go again?

• If we had it to do all over again – we would absolutely say yes!
• We learned more about geography, world history, different cultures, different foods, and different beliefs.
• We made amazing lifelong friends from all across the world. Which means we are more attentive to world news – deeply considering how it impacts people we know and love and the nations they call home.

What personal experiences will you cherish forever?

Life in the sandbox inspired me to try to make connections with Saudi ladies when I was out of our compound:

• Most of them covered their faces with only their eyes showing.
• I loved smiling at them and greeting them, and  recognizing when they were smiling in return by the way that their eyes lit up and crinkled.

On more than one occasion I sat on a bench and smiled at a woman next to me and greeted her in Arabic.  Each time:

• There was an instant warmth.
• A conversation – in spite of language barriers.
• I was offered some of whatever they were snacking on.
• And as soon as there were no men in the area, each one voluntarily lifted the cloth that covered her face.
• Brilliant, beautiful unexpected connections that make my heart overflow.

No matter where you live: You can choose to leave your comfort zone, use your brain AND your heart and reach out to others:

• Age doesn’t matter
• Race doesn’t matter
• Religion doesn’t matter
• Uniform doesn’t matter

“ The state of your heart matters… Be the change you want to see!

Looking for a speaker or a facilitator for your next event?  

Beyond learning about the day-to-day realities of life in Saudi that aren’t fairly or fully captured in movies or the news – Experiences and learning’s from Saudi can be leveraged to help:

1. People work through divisive current events
2. Students, adults and organizations develop critical life, leadership and people skills
3. Followers of Jesus to find Biblical responses to the news and division in our world

View Speaking Testimonials Here

Image Credit:  Pixabay

We’re in the midst of waiting. Months and months of waiting…

• In September – We knew we were moving back across the ocean to the land we call home
• In October – The move was stopped and from morning to night and from day to day, what we were doing and when we were doing it changed, as things changed within the company
• In early November – we were moving again and it looked impossible not to be home for Christmas
• Then week after week and weekend after weekend – through Thanksgiving, and Christmas, our Anniversary and New Years we would do what we could do and then wait – on the company, the movers, the government and Harley Davidson
• 11 days ago – all of our household things were loaded into a container for overseas shipment
• 7 days ago – our motorcycle was crated and taken to our container
• It’s almost mid-January and we’re still waiting – for paperwork to clear so we can leave

The emotional roller coaster has been intense:

• Sad to go – So many tearful goodbyes – not knowing if or when we will see many of our friends and neighbors again
• Sad to stay – Missing so much at home that we thought we would be a part of this year
• Frustrated with all the barriers – There is so much we don’t control
• Impatience, questions, anger, tears and numbness have all been a part of the process…

A neighbor recently commented that she doesn’t know how I’m still smiling. Another friend commented on my patience.

The reality I that most days I can smile because I do the 9 things I recommend below, but I’m also human and I have bad days too.

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year, and it’s been 4 years since I’ve been able to celebrate it in the way that I’d like to. (When I know we aren’t going home and set my expectations accordingly and I can navigate that day very well.)

This year I was so sure that we would be there, that I struggled to adjust those expectations as the date approached. When I woke up on Christmas Eve, I cried and dried my eyes and tried to focus on something else and the tears came again. …Over and over, for half the day, that process repeated itself. That’s not normal for me, and it wasn’t how I had imagined spending the day. But I got it all out and I am smiling again.

“ How you cope with a season of waiting is a choice – that impacts how you emerge from it.

Need help dealing with your waiting?

1. Be thankful: Intentionally look for blessings and thank God for them.
2. Pray: It’s ok if some of your prayers are confidently claiming scripture, while others are filled with gut wrenching questions, and others are peaceful and accepting.
3. Turn up the volume on your favorite tunes: And listen to beautiful melodies and lyrics filled with truth an inspiration.
4. Be authentic with your friends: Their understanding and support will help to carry you with new perspectives, advice, encouragement, prayers, distractions, laughter and if you’re as spoiled as we’ve been – maybe even meals!
5. Get some exercise and fresh air: Just getting out and walking changes the scenery and gets your blood pumping.
6. Look back and remember: Other big seasons of waiting and change that were really tough that caused you to emerge softer, and stronger and wiser.
7. Dream about the future: Who do you want to connect with, what do you want to do… What can you do now to prepare for that?
8. Keep others that are waiting in your thoughts, prayers and messages: Who do you know that is in a season of waiting? How can you support them?

So many of our friends and family are waiting for things that are bigger and harder than what we are dealing with.  

Friends all over Louisiana that had their homes flooded in August and are still waiting to get back home. …Many are staying with friends, some with family, some in FEMA trailers.

They’ve waited:

• On flood waters to recede
• On insurance companies for estimates
• On banks to clear insurance checks
• On construction crews to be available and to get started

While they’ve waited: They’ve lacked privacy, and lost personal freedoms as they’ve adjusted to life in the homes of others.

Other friends have waited for:

• Medical testing
• Then waited for test results
• Then waited for treatment plans

Some are now waiting for treatment to start while others are waiting for treatment plans to work.

And we are surrounded by people that live outside of their home countries and away from their spouses and children for years at a time to provide a better future for their families.

• They wait for vacations – Often waiting months and years past the promised date.
• When there is a family emergency back home they wait for approval to leave – and often don’t receive it. (So they often miss the births and weddings of their children, miss helping family after a natural disaster, miss visiting a loved one in a hospital, miss saying goodbye to and burying parents when they die.)

“  No matter what you are waiting for… You are not alone.

 An interview, a job offer, the adoption to be finalized, or something else…

9. Give yourself permission to have a bad day: Get it out and then get back in the game and repeat steps 1 – 8.

Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. ― Viktor E. Frankl

What tips do you have for people that are in the midst of waiting?

Image credit:  Pixabay

I’ve been working with a group of pre and early teens and we’ve been talking about perceptions and reality. In our last meeting, I asked if they have ever greeted someone and not been greeted in return. Emphatically – yes!

So I broke them up into small groups and asked them to come up with a list of at least 15 reasons why someone they greeted would not respond.

At first they listed things like this:

• They hate me
• They are mean
• They are rude
• They are a bully
• They are racist

It took awhile for them to start coming up with reasons like this:

• They are deaf
• They are listening to headphones
• They have a disability
• They are on the telephone
• They didn’t hear me
• They don’t speak the same language as me
• They are shy

These were things they didn’t consider:

• They are thinking about something and not paying attention
• They are depressed
• They are angry about something

As our discussion unfolded, I shared two stories about adults in our international compound that have had this experience:

• Both struggled to keep greeting someone that was not responding.
• But both kept at it and eventually got consistent responses, and in one case those repeated greetings led to a delightful conversation.

“ People never experience a connection by assuming the worst.

It is easy to misinterpret someone else’s actions, to assume the worst and to quit trying.  And fascinating to consider that most of us would keep at it, if we knew the other person:

• Were deaf or could not speak our language – we’d wave or maybe learn to sign or greet them in their native tongue.
• Had a special need – we’d find a new way to engage.
• Was having a bad day – we’d give them grace and try again.

So what if… They have a negative perception about people of your race or your religion?

• Do you lose anything by greeting them anyway?
• And what if… Your continued kindness challenges their beliefs and changes their behavior?

Now here’s the zinger: The point of this exercise is NOT connection.

It is about developing the critical life skill of problem solving.

Far too often, we make decisions based on how we feel, or what we think we know, instead of really understanding what is happening.

And those uninformed decisions:

1. Waste time
2. Sapp energy
3. Increase division
4. Make it more challenging to get to the root of the problem
5. Impact our lives, relationships, workplaces, communities and our future

“ Problems are never solved by assumptions. Only deep understanding drives change.

We all benefit from deep dives that examine multiple perspectives.

Please share:

• When have you made a false assumption?
• What was the impact?
• What did you learn?

Want more?  Below are several real examples of how assumptions have impacted problem solving and organizational growth:

• Small Business
• Social Services and Higher Ed
• Multiple Organizations

The inspirational video below highlights the impact this process has on individuals.

Image Credit:  iStock

Have you got a list of values that you hold so dearly, that they actually define who you are?

• I do too.

And I used to really struggle with those that didn’t share those values.

As a child, I would passionately argue my convictions and not listen to those that did not share my opinions.  (Because they were simply wrong!)

As a young professional, I thought it was horribly rude for people to roll their eyes in disagreement – but the shaking of my head as others spoke – screamed how wrong they were. (And how unwilling I was to listen.)

Hi! My name is Chery, and I am a recovering opinionista! (…Emphasis on recovering.) Somewhere along the way, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw.

So I began to listen more and talk less. (Not because I didn’t have opinions, but because I didn’t know how to share them and really listen.)

Along the way I heard personal stories from people who had opposing views about some of the values that I hold most dear. And I began to really consider what it was like to walk in their shoes and even wonder if I’d experienced what they had, if I would hold those same views.

In most cases, my convictions did not change, but my understanding, compassion and creativity increased:

• So when the issues would come up again I was no longer focused shoving my opinions down their throat, or winning the debate.
• Instead, I became more focused on listening, learning, and finding solutions that included and honored the needs of others while still allowing me to be true to my values.

Every one comes from a different life experience and has witnessed, researched, or considered things you haven’t.  

One of the divisive issues that I have closely followed over the past few years is about police officers in America and the people they agree to protect and serve.

If you’ve followed that issue as well you have witnessed the emotional debates about the importance of their work, the challenges they face, the sacrifices they make and the corruption that eats at all of their credibility when it exists and when it is perceived.

This summer I watched the 10-minute, TED talk below, by Police Officer Chip Huth and was in awe. The tipping point was NOT when they realized that what they were doing wasn’t working, it came when they learned to see people instead of seeing problems. That lesson and their results will exceed your wildest expectations.

After viewing the video, I purchased the book titled The Anatomy of Peace, that was written by The Arbinger Institute – the group that trained Chip and his team. And then devoured the book.

This is one of the quotes from that book…

We end up gathering with allies – actual, perceived, or potential – as a way of feeling justified in our accusing views of others.  As a result of this fact, conflicts try to spread.  So what begins as a conflict between two people spreads to a conflict between many as each person enlists others to his or her side.  Everyone begins acting in ways that invite more of the very problem from the other side that each is complaining about. 

If the video and the quote resonate with you, please get your hands on the book, and begin to think about how these skills could be leveraged to help your family, workplace, community, nation or our world.

[Tweet “Unity is not sameness, it is oneness of purpose. Priscilla Shirer”]

Over the next month I will share additional articles about how this kind of thinking and behavior is being leveraged in different places and what people are learning.

PLEASE SHARE:   What have you learned from those that don’t share your values?  

Check out part II in this series here:  Benefits of learning from those that think differently.

Want more on this topic?  Check out the posts below.

• The 7 Habits of Highly Depolarizing People

Image credit:  Ace Concierge

I published an article a month ago, about how our international move altered the path I thought I was on to my big dream. In that post I shared how much I trust in this altered path, even though it doesn’t make complete sense yet.

About the time I published that article I heard this quote, [Tweet ““Your perspective will become your prison or your passport.”~ Steven Furtick”]

Two weeks ago my husband and I took a vacation to Africa. On the plane I read Nelson Mandela’s book The Long Walk to Freedom, deeply considering how a wide variety of good and bad experiences changed his perspective, caused him to seek truth, ponder deeply, and shaped the man he would become. At several places in his story I thought of different struggles that others have faced that have taken them to their knees and challenged their perspectives and then changed their futures. In the midst of those reflections I wrote these words…

Would you say yes, if you knew:

• That great risk would lead to a greater reward?
• That a job loss would lead to a new career in a new industry?
• That a heartbreaking betrayal would make you softer and stronger and wiser?
• That learning to forgive would help you experience uncommon peace? 
• That years of unwanted change and confusion would lead to growth? 
• That an uncommon sacrifice would create the change you’ve dreamed of?
• That an ending would create a better beginning?

In the days that followed, those words would come to have an even greater meaning.  …To help you understand why, I have to take you back in time…

When I was 10, my Mom read chapters from the book, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to our family as we drove across the U.S. for a family vacation.Within a few chapters, I was completely hooked on the story, and grabbed the book from her and read ahead, and then devoured the rest of the series The Chronicles of Narnia.

In the series Aslan is a Lion King that is wise, beautiful, kind, sometimes playful and sometimes incredibly firm. My favorite parts of the books are the interactions between a little girl named Lucy and Aslan.  Moments that were often playful and would end with her hands buried in his mane, followed by him sharing simple but powerful truths with her.

As a visual learner, those books painted clear pictures of great leadership and strong relationships. And planted in my heart, a forever love of lions and a deep desire to one day bury my own hands in the mane of a lion.

Back in the present in Africa… We went on our first game drive at 4:30 PM. An hour and a half later, we had not seen many animals. I knew that we had another hour to go, and five more game drives scheduled, but I was already praying, “Please let us see a lion before we leave here.”

A few minutes later, we drove around a corner where another jeep had discovered the most beautiful male lion lying under a tree. As our jeep approached we could see him through the trees and he roared several times. Have you ever hear a lion roar? It is an incredibly powerful, awe-inspiring sound.

Apparently roaring takes lots of energy, so The King decided to rest; we got the most amazing pictures and my heart overflowed.

Several days later in a different location we went on a lion encounter and were quickly told that we could walk with two female lions and pet their thighs, but nothing more. (Not exactly what I’d been dreaming of, but I was still thrilled.)

Towards the end of our walk, the two females went to another group and for some mysterious reason two more lions joined us, one male and one female. (Yes – I was bubbling over with excitement!)

And then our guide asked if anyone wanted to sit with the male lion and put their hands in his mane. And a dream of many years came true!

When my finger massaged their way into his mane, I looked at my husband, trying to process the emotions I was feeling and attempted to choke back some unexpected tears, “I can’t believe this is really happening.” He reassured me that it was, and then the tears flowed.

From the first night on our safari to the day that my hands were buried in the mane of that beautiful lion and in every hour I’ve spent reflecting on our journey… I’ve been reminded that walking by faith continually provides perspectives that really are a passport to an uncommon life.

The moment we said yes to life outside of our comfort zone I’ve had to choose my perspective.

• About the desert we would live in.
• About the people that I’d never met but were frequently stereo-typed in the news.
• About the cloak of invisibility I would have to wear.
• About the things we can’t do.
• About the dream that I still have…

No my lion is not my biggest dream. He is still a symbol of what my dream means to me and a reminder of all that I’ve gained from and unlikely, “Yes.”

Think of any challenge you are currently facing… What if a new perspective is your passport to a better future?

Would you say yes, to…

• Seasons of extreme pain?
• Unwanted change?
• Life outside of your comfort zone?
• Or an altered path?

If you knew that something bigger than you could imagine was in store for you?

After we returned home, I wrote this post and shared pictures with friends on Facebook.  However, before I published the post, someone I do not know contacted me in a private message over Facebook, stating that she was a friend of a friend and she wanted me to know that the Lion Encounter I just described was a horrible progam.  I read her message on the fly and when I went back to read it for detail it was gone.  I was also contacted on Twitter, but when I responded and asked questions, I received no reply.

Although I am still feeling incredibily blessed by our experience I took the time to review what we witnessed and to do some more research.

• These lions were not drugged.
• A beautiful relationship between the staff and the lions was clearly evident.
• The staff oozed passion as they shared the vision for the program.

We trust the tour company we used, and were delighted to notice that some of the other optional excursions we were given on our trip were to places that were recommended by animal rights websites.

And as I’ve done a bit more research I discovered this article about the program from another tourist that was also seeking truth.

Years ago I read a book called The Dream Giver.

It’s a beautiful little book that emphasizes that each one of us is born for a purpose. As children we often see this as our big dream.  Often between childhood and adulthood we forget the dream or walk away from it because it seems impossible.  And then one day we are reminded of the dream again and we make the choice to pursue the dream or to let it die forever.  Then the book helps you anticipate and prepare for the challenges you will encounter as you journey from where you are to where that dream is.

I purchased the book in 2003 shortly after it was published, simply because I liked the author.  As soon as I opened it I was hooked, because I had a dream as a child. It was a dream that I forgot all about as life happened. And then in 1999, I it came back full force. In 2001, I took my first very clear step toward the dream.

Since 2003, I’ve referred to that book several times a year. It’s highlighted, filled with notes, scribbles and pages that are bent back.  In October 2010 I referred to it constantly as I launched a new consulting business in a city I had never lived in and knew no one but my husband.

In November 2012 just as my new business was gaining momentum, my husband was asked to accept a position a half a world away, and this quote from the book filled my mind…

A Giant is a very real and completely overwhelming obstacle you encounter on the road to your Dream. Overcoming a giant requires you to use everything you’ve learned so far on the journey to your Dream, including courage, wisdom, trust, endurance and surrender to God.

Some of the Giants you might face: A lack of resources, an immovable system, an opposing group or individual, A crushing physical or spiritual burden…Or and intimidating circumstance that is beyond your control. For example, your Dream is in New Jersey, but your husband gets transferred to Tokyo.” ~The Dream Giver

So my dream wasn’t in New Jersey, and he wasn’t being transferred to Tokyo –But the place my dream was taking off was in the U.S. and he was being transferred across the world.

In spite of all that seemed impossible – I knew – that I’d been mentally preparing for that leap of faith for 10 years!

Yes my love, I believe that is part of the plan, I’ll follow you there, I’ll support you, I’ll choose my attitude, and I’ll learn all I can.

Today we are still in that place.

And I’m constantly learning and growing in ways that I never imagined.

Some of that growth is easy to point to and define and other things are still evolving.

[Tweet “An altered path deepens and widens your understanding and skills.”]

From a leadership standpoint, the things that I wrote about and deeply believed in before have an even greater urgency and importance.

• Before:  Why Leaders need to be Consistent, Fair & Explainable
• After:  The epidemic risk of INconsistency
• Before:  Have you shared your vision with your team?
• After:  Chaos or Vision:  You Choose
• Before:  5 Ways to Fire-Proof Your Character
• After:  Leaders STAND for something ~ When do you stand?

From a personal standpoint geography has come to life as we’ve engaged with neighbors that are from all across the world and as we’ve traveled.  There are things I didn’t know or had never considered that have increased my knowledge and understanding.

• Before:  When you don’t know what you don’t know
• After:  Is the bacon really worth it?
• Before:  Strong Foundations are rooted in Timeless Truths
• After:  If we are so convinced we are speaking the truth, why are we so afraid to listen to someone else’s?

From a human standpoint, there are things that we’ve experienced that have altered us forever.

• Before:  What special needs families taught me about comfort zones
• After:  Comfort Zones, Dim Sight, Narrow Perspective and Endanger Growth

[Tweet “Catalysts for maximizing your purpose are often disguised as distractions and delays.”]

When have you said yes to something that:

• Felt like a derailment or a delay?
• Tested your faith?
• Required you to leave your comfort zone?
• Didn’t seem logical to the rest of the world?
• Challenged your commitment after you said yes?

How did that experience transform you?

Image credit:  iStock

TODAY is the International Day of Peace!

This is the 4th article in a series to highlight what each of us can do to bring more peace to our world.

• The first three articles are linked at the bottom of this post.

I’m honored to include the post below from Jane Perdue, the CEO/Principal at Braithwaite Innovation Group, a friend and one of the co-author’s of the book, The Character-Based Leader…  Instigating A Leadership Revolution…  One Person at a Time.

I live in Charleston, South Carolina. In just a few days this past summer, my heart went from being broken by a senseless crime motivated by hate to being uplifted by people choosing to forgive, not fight or retaliate. Given my awe and respect at how my community handled this tragedy, Chery’s invitation to write about how leaders can limit division and create peace was incredibly serendipitous.

Retaliation and revenge are powerful motivators. We want to right the real or perceived wrong. Swiss researchers discovered that the mere act of contemplating revenge triggered the portion of our brain that processes rewards. No wonder there’s the concept that revenge is sweet. However, giving in to the negative feelings doesn’t end the matter. Behavioral scientists have found that indulging the desire to get even creates a cycle of retaliation that perpetuates the downward spiral of hostility and distrust. Payback doesn’t pay.

Ann Macaskill, professor at Sheffield Hallam University, explains how we think about revenge, “When individuals are attacked in some way that feels unjust, they go through three psychological stages: a shock phase, an adjustment phase and a reaction phase. In the reaction phase, they will either decide to forgive, hold a grudge but do nothing, or take or plot revenge. Those able to forgive rather than seek revenge are, it would seem, better developed than most.”

So how can we as leaders be “better developed” and do the wicked, hard work of rising above the desire to fight back? As much as I love the paradoxical “power of and,” I see the work of supplanting discord with tolerance and acceptance as an either/or scenario: either we surrender to intolerance, or we decide to create environments where people feel valued.

Intolerance isn’t acceptable; maximizing and leveraging differences is. To accept that different is merely different, not wrong, leaders must lead themselves. Leaders have to be self-aware enough to augment “me” with the power of “we.”

[Tweet “Leaders must lead themselves.”]

Turns out, making people feel valued, respected, and part of “we” is a foundational element for building tolerance and acceptance and for rejecting divisiveness. There’s an extraordinary snowball effect at play—people who feel respected are more likely to show respect, be tolerant, be willing to participate, and be less willing to punish or disparage others.

Tolerance is not the absence of prejudice but rather emphasizes forbearance and not begrudging other people their own ways. ~Maykel Verkuyten, professor Utrecht University

Behavioral scientists point to the existence of four conditions required for people to feel that they are treated fairly. People must:

1) Have the opportunity for real and meaningful participation. They want a voice and want to know that their voice matters.

2) Believe the decision making process is fair, open, and interactive. Stanford professor John Ousterhout notes, “If a collection of smart people all look at the same problem with the same information, and if they have the same goals, then they are likely to reach the same conclusion. A decision with strong consensus is more valuable than one without consensus: it is more likely to be right, and it is more likely to get implemented effectively because everyone believes in it.”

3) Have no doubt that they will be treated with dignity, and

4) Accept that those in authority are trustworthy.

If we’re willing to get out of our own way and let go of the “rightness” of our position, making these four conditions possible isn’t that difficult. Getting people meaningfully involved, treating them well, and conducting ourselves ethically is (should be) eminently doable. All we have to do is appreciate the validity of differing points of view.

“Peace does not mean an absence of conflicts; differences will always be there.  Peace means solving these differences through peaceful means; through dialogue, education, knowledge; and through humane ways.” ~Dalai Lama XIV

When leaders are self-aware and do these four things, we’re enabling ourselves—and others—to transcend finger pointing and friction, move past the limitations of who is right and who’s wrong, and to focus on the greater good.

The good we secure for ourselves is precarious and uncertain until it is secured for all of us and incorporated into our common life. ~Jane Addams, social worker

[Tweet “Ready to build peace by using the power of “we?””]

Check out the full series on Peace below:

• Leadership and Peacemaking and focused on the difference betwen Peacemakers, Peace FAKERS and Peace BREAKERS.
• One way YOU can create a more peaceful world.  (Really!)
• PEACE:  A Leadership Strategy, Not Pixie Dust!

Looking for inspiration about others that are modeling extreme peace?

• Ronald Cotton – Innocent but convicted of rape, served 11 years in prison.   Today he is free, at peace and a close friend of the victim and eye witness of the crime, Jennifer Thompson.  Together they travel and share their story to prevent others from being falsly convicted and to free those that have been.
• Police Officers that have learned to police PEOPLE not problems.
• An Israeli and Palestinian mother working together for uncommon peace.

Last week, I visited a new friend that has been an expat for about 4 months in a country that is nothing like the one her family comes from.

When her husband accepted the position, they were promised life in a compound – a guarded and gated community with streets, and parks, and amenities that vary depending on your location.

The day before they left home to begin their expat lives, they were informed that there was a housing shortage in the area they were relocating to. (When it was conveniently too late to get their previous jobs back or easily jump back into the life they had.)

So they boarded the plane anyway. (Would you feel slightly trapped?)

And for the past four months the two of them and their young son have been sharing a two-room efficiency apartment.   They have a love seat in their little kitchen and all three of them share a bedroom with their son’s toys. While their shipment of household items sits in storage.

Since their arrival they’ve been advised that it will probably take a year before they can be moved onto a compound, and presented with one alternative that gives them some immediate choices for housing but removes other benefits that they had counted on.

My friend’s situation is mild in comparison to her neighbors:

Several of them have more children so they’ve been given two apartments that don’t have a connecting door.

• So who sleeps where?
• Who watches the children and keeps them safe?
• How to parents get time for themselves?
• And how does everyone gather?

Her apartment has windows.

• Most do NOT.

(Did your stomach just churn? Mine did – as I imagined living without sunlight and some kind of view.)

Thankfully – There are some positives:

• The staff at the apartment building is very professional and kind.
• The building is clean and well kept.
• In spite of not having streets to walk, and parks to play in:  They have a several pools, an outdoor playground, tennis courts, Jacuzzi, a store, a restaurant…

However, this is not what these families were promised when they agreed to move across the world, quit their jobs, sell their homes, pack their belongings, and leave families, friends and all that was familiar.    

The truth is that the housing shortage is not mentioned by a majority of the recruiters – no matter what company they work for.

• They fear that if it is mentioned – less people will agree to come.
• And they won’t meet their objectives.
• And their bonuses and maybe even their jobs will be at risk.

So they make their numbers today with half-truths and lies and don’t think about how that impacts tomorrow.

As a result new employees instantly question their new employers integrity and feel less secure.

And with each new experience they face, these families wonder…

• What else they haven’t been told?
• And how far they should they lower their expectations to stay mentally healthy?

And in those cases where family members aren’t willing and/or able to make the best of what they’ve been given:

• Each one of them suffers.
• And their bonds with each other struggle and sometimes break.

There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy and civilization throughout the world – one thing which, if removed will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love.  …That one thing is trust.  ~Stephen M.R. Covey

It’s a sick reality that the company doesn’t care about the individuals in the family, or the strength of the family unit.  

But they also fail to recognize that:

• They now have a many new-hires that are not so focused, productive or loyal.
• Each time they lie to their new hires, they set the precedent that integrity does not matter.
• The organization becomes unhealthier, harder to navigate, and less able respond to a changing environment.  Eventually replacing growth with decline.

I am convinced that once organizational health is properly understood and placed into the right context it will surpass all other disciplines in business as the greatest opportunity for improvement and competitive advantage. Really. ~Patrick Lencioni

At every level of the organization: Truth Matters

[Tweet “Has your company ever lied to you?”]

Meanwhile my new friend’s family, neighbors and the company that spun the truth? – They are all blessed to have her. As she is turning lemons into lemonade:

• Admitting that it has been a challenge.
• Speaking openly about the choices they’ve had to make about what to do next but choosing wisdom over fear.
• Choosing to reflect truth back to the organization that hired her husband without pouting or acting like a victim.
• Understanding the negativity of the other families in that apartment complex, and that it is not the fault of the staff in those buildings.
• Reflecting light and hope to the residents and the staff in that building.

If you are considering life as an expat be encouraged.  Not all companies work this way.  Some are towering examples of integrity.  

• Do your research about local employment law and know if the laws will protect you.
• If not, knowing how ethical that company you agree to work for before you agree to come is critical.  Use social media to connect to other current employees to find out about communication, security, medical questions, housing, school waiting lists, groceries…
• Consider the questions and concerns of everyone in your family.
• Pray about it.
• And then decide if the risks are worth the rewards.

We’re 2.5 years into our first expat adventure.  I felt a lot of fear when we were asked to do this.  But we followed the process above.  There have been challenges, but the rewards have made it all worth it.

If you are a recruiter in this situation:  

[Tweet “Have you ever spun the truth? “]

Is it time for you to be a candle or a beacon?

image credit:  iStock

Once upon a time, I hired a fun-loving woman with great recommendations, strong experience, and impressive tenure. (True Story!)

Not long after she joined our team she began to struggle.   Things that she thought would be easy to learn were harder than normal, which chewed away at her confidence, which made it even harder to learn, which ate away even more confidence. Sometimes when we spoke privately, tears flowed.

At one point she shared that in her last role she was so confident that she would put on a pink feather boa. And when she wore it – everyone knew a special announcement was going to be made. Here she wanted to be her authentic self, but was afraid…

Each time we spoke, I would remind her:

1. She was grieving. (She had just left a role that she knew backwards and forwards and upside down in a place where she felt understood, appreciated and loved and moved and started a new job.)
2. She really was smart, capable, fun and wanted!
3. She was focusing more on her mistakes and emotions than on what she knew she could bring and that was causing her to struggle harder.

Then I would pull out Ken Blanchard’s Situational Leadership Model and remind her that SHE WAS NORMAL!!!

• …And then we’d talk about what I could do, what the team could do and what she could do to help her work through the change so that she would feel confident again.

A few months later she bounced into my office to let me know that her brother-in-law had just started a new job and she had shared her lessons and Blanchard’s chart with him!!! (Goosebumps!)

Sharing that experience with her caused me to do a deeper dive into the emotions and needs that each of us have as we experience any type of change in our lives.

I’ve looked backward at my own life, and recognized:

• Distinct patterns of emotions when we relocated to any new city.
• Times that were so challenging they led to confusion, tanked confidence, decreased productivity, and sapped joy.
• Times that I handled change well and swam through it and times I sank.

Paid more attention to others and noticed their struggles much more quickly…

As I coached recent university graduates that hit the same hurdles in their first career jobs.   And then as I met with their hiring managers, to help them learn to support their new hires at a higher level…  I’ve had the honor of watching men in infamously macho industries recognize their own struggles with change and actually admit them to each other. (Chills!)

And I’ve become much more aware of how change is impacting me in the moment.

This weekend I spent time reviewing the articles I wrote as we prepared for our expat journey and during the first 6 months here and was reminded about how my own thoughts, fears, delays, unknowns and choices fueled my thoughts and emotions. If you are in the midst of any change – at work or personally this swirl of constant thoughts and feelings may be familiar:

• Confusion
• Grief

Interrupted by a conscious choice to turn this into a fun learning opportunity

• Awe and Thankfulness
• Confusion and Frustration
• Doubt and Fear

Interrupted by conscious choice to admit my fear and adjust my thinking

• Unproductive (I don’t do limbo well!)
• Anticipation
• Thankfulness

Tempted to be frustrated, but chose laughter instead

• Thankfulness
• Thoughtfulness
• Unsure
• Pondering
• Questioning

If they are familiar – then read on! I penned these words during that time and they apply to anyone in the midst of change, yes – even the ones you thought you wanted:

[Tweet “Fear and doubt – yes that’s normal!”]

[Tweet “Emotional roller coaster – yes that’s normal too!”]

[Tweet “Having fun one day and questioning where you fit the next – still normal!”]

I am in a new place, filled with wonderful people and lots of new opportunities.

I know from past experience that it is wise to meet many people and have lots of experiences as quickly as possible.

I know that even though I’m busy I have not found my “groove” yet.

I know that the human in me wants to grab the reigns and be a part of something as quickly as possible.

I know that I need to stay in explorer mode for a little longer.

[Tweet “I don’t know yet – what I will learn here. …But I choose to learn.”]

I don’t know yet how I will make a difference here. …Time will reveal where I should plug in, and I will make a difference!

[Tweet “I am here for a reason!”]

Want more about navigating change for yourself or others?

These two are FAVORITES written by others and must be purchased:

• Self-Leadership and The One Minute Manager (This one includes the Situational Leadership Chart I mentioned in the post!)
• The Change Cycle (Includes another incredible visual to help you navigate change.)

These are free from me:

• Click here to read from my change learning laboratory – AKA our expat journey!
• Click here to subscribe to this blog and receive a free download about How to Instigate Change.

Image from The Valley of The Kings Egypt where life from the Nile meets the death of the desert!

I grew up in a little town in North Dakota, where we had four very distinct seasons. My favorite as a child was summer – because I absolutely love being in the water!

It was refreshing, peaceful, freeing, great exercise and fun!

Unless we were camping by the lake…  We would pedal our bicycles to the pool multiple times every single day.  In the morning for an hour of lessons, then for three hours of open swimming in the afternoon and occasionally in the evening for another two – three hours of playing in the water!

If gills or a mermaid tail had been an option I would have them!

A few years ago I met a young woman that loved being in the water even more than I do. As a child she was on swim teams and lived in the pool. But at a very young age she was diagnosed with a disease that has impacted her body a lot like ALS.

Today she is fully alert but her body no longer moves at her command requiring her to have help to eat and dress and do all daily functions. Which means she no longer gets to enjoy the serenity that the water once brought her.

One day she attended a party at a friend’s house, and many of us worked together to carry her into the pool and helped her use a flotation device. As soon as she began to feel the water surround her, our souls connected as I watched the familiar tranquility and joy wash over her face.

Tears still sting my eyes when I imagine how much greater the experience was for her because it is now so rare.

A few years later I heard an inspirational young man named Frans Johansson speak about how wildly different backgrounds and ideas can come together to create uncommonly beautiful solutions. (He was preaching to the choir… And my cells were dancing!)

As he spoke he shared several specific examples that I will never forget. One of them highlighted the fact that conservative Muslim women rarely swam because it was so cumbersome to swim fully clothed. At the time I heard him speak I was completely unaware of the challenge these women faced and could not imagine having such restricted access to the water I love.

He went on to share how a Lebanese woman traveled to an Australian beach and began to imagine an alternative.  She used swimsuit material to create a swimming costume that would cover a woman’s body from her head to her ankles which allowed her to be modest and to swim with much more comfort and flexibility. …Before long her brightly colored designs were called Burkinis and certified as acceptable Muslim Swimwear.

All of those dots connected and left a permanent impression:

• My love of water.
• The deep understanding that others loved it as much as I do and how it must feel to have extremely limited access to it.
• Paired with the new knowledge of why the Burkini was created and the celebration of how all innovations impact lives.

Two years later, we moved to the big sandbox we are currently living in and all of those experiences came flooding back as I began to witness several occasions where dads and children were in the pool but the wives/mothers were sitting fully clothed on the side of the pool. (In desert heat!) Each time I wondered if the mom didn’t know how to swim, if dad wouldn’t allow it, or if she didn’t have a Burkini.

It didn’t take long to realize:

• That some of my non-Muslim neighbors didn’t know what a Burkini was and some explanation was needed.
• And others (some of the same faith and some not) could be quite judgmental and even hateful about a woman wearing something different to the pool.

As a result of all of the combined experiences:

• When I see my neighbors, I don’t see their religion. I see people.
• When I see women in Burkinis, I don’t see something odd – I see innovation that inspires me.
• When I see ladies sitting on the side of the pool on an extremely hot day, I hope that they have the choice to experience the tranquility and joy that I do when I am surrounded by water.
• And when I hear others expressing disgust about a swimming costume that is different from their own, I wonder how they would feel if swimming was no longer an option for them…

Earlier this week I spent an hour with people from all over our world that are against bullying in schools, in workplaces and in our world.  (For full disclosure – I was a bully and it changed my life.)

As we chatted I thought of all of the stories in the news, on social media and shared by our friends that cause us to focus on our differences. (Several of those stories had been weighing on me before the chat.  And then I pondered how that focus fuels doubt, and fear which encourages us to think ONLY about ourselves.)

[Tweet “YOU can do 4 simple things to decrease bullying and division:”]

1. Leverage what you love and what you’ve learned to understand others
2. Don’t apply broad labels and harsh judgments to a group of people
3. Think critically and seek truth:  read, observe and listen
4. Draw deep on courage, call out labels, half-truths, propaganda and outright lies

If you choose to be the change you’d like to see, below are several resources for you:

• Purchase a copy of Frans Johansson’s Book The Medici Effect
• Check out this powerful post from Peter Bregman about listening, thinking, and speaking with courage and influence
• Check out this post about How to End the Blame Game
• Take action with this simple idea:  Take “the other” to lunch by Elizabeth Lesser
• Learn how to deal with dividers:  11 Tips for Dealing with Manipulators
• Join Kate Nasser’s #peopleskills tweet chat when we discuss Ending Bullying