For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

Since our return home from Saudi Arabia, (A place I once feared and had zero desire to move to.)  I have been facilitating a series of workshops for students – sharing what day-to-day life was like while emphasizing critical life, leadership and people skills that they will need throughout their lives.

In each workshop students are given a visual of a natural process that will happen the rest of their lives – as they decide if they have the courage to leave their comfort zones or the grit to survive when life hands them circumstances they can’t control.

“ Learning to embrace life outside your comfort zone is a critical skill.

Some of the questions I’ve been asked about Saudi are worth sharing:

What was the best part?

• Living in an International Compound: Sharing life, friendship, and food with people from more than 50 nations and learning from them.
• Riding motorcycle with men and women from all over the world and getting to experience parts of Saudi that many expats don’t get to enjoy. (Yes – My motorcycle jacket had ½ of an abaya attached to it and could be rolled up when I was on the bike and rolled down when I was off the bike. Allowing me to be respectful and safe while enjoying time on the bike with my husband.)
• Vacationing in 11 countries besides Saudi and Bahrain in the 4 years we were there.

What was the hardest thing for you?

In order to say yes to living there I adjusted my expectations – intentionally trying not to expect things that I would expect at home. Most of the time that plan worked. Although, I never appreciated things that made life less clear, fair and efficient – I didn’t ride big waves of frustration.  There were two big exceptions in the four years that we were there:

• The first time was when there were bombings at mosques in cities near us three weekends in a row. The company we worked for hosted a security meeting and I expected that they would recommend a security protocol for our housing compound. The company did not have any of their own staff present – sending only their subcontracted security firm – who would not provide that information without the company’s approval. So we received none of the information I expected to receive, the entire meeting felt like a giant placebo and a waste of time. And I really struggled to find a new perspective and reset my expectations.
• The second time was this past summer when thousands of people – many who are dear friends – had their homes flooded in Louisiana.  I shared links on my Facebook page so that people could donate and support them. Not long before that, a man had been arrested and was serving time in a neighboring and much more liberal country for doing something similar. As a result, some of my neighbors in the sandbox strongly encouraged me to take my post down. As they shared their concerns, I remembered a few other situations in our location so I did as they suggested.  But I raged against the lack of clarity and the inconsistencies that caused this confusion and the need to even consider the possibility of removing the post.  Especially when my biggest desire was to support friends in need and the organizations I was recommending were vetted and trusted.

What was the biggest lesson?

• In order to embrace our unwanted change I learned to used both my brain and my heart in balance.  Constantly seeking truth instead of urban legends and choosing love over fear.
• As I watched the news while we lived in the sandbox, I noticed that in nearly every divisive issue in our world –  we are pushed to choose one of two sides: Total Acceptance OR Fear.
• We were all given a Brain AND a Heart. When we intentionally BALANCE the use of both we discover a third option -that leads to wiser and more compassionate decisions and healthier relationships, workplaces, communities, and nations.

Are you glad you are home?

Yes.  I miss the people we came to know and love and I am so thankful for our time there.  At the same time I am savoring life here in a new way:

• I fight tears when I sit in a church building – free to worship as I please.
• I giggle like a schoolgirl when I drive my car.
• And I am intentionally leveraging my freedom of speech at a higher level – hoping to encourage others to utilize this extraordinary freedom at a higher level and increase our ability to dialogue with and learn from each other.

 Did your values change?

• My values stayed the same, but they become deeper and stronger.
• My vision for helping people, workplaces, communities, nations and our world – grew significantly.

Would you go again?

• If we had it to do all over again – we would absolutely say yes!
• We learned more about geography, world history, different cultures, different foods, and different beliefs.
• We made amazing lifelong friends from all across the world. Which means we are more attentive to world news – deeply considering how it impacts people we know and love and the nations they call home.

What personal experiences will you cherish forever?

Life in the sandbox inspired me to try to make connections with Saudi ladies when I was out of our compound:

• Most of them covered their faces with only their eyes showing.
• I loved smiling at them and greeting them, and  recognizing when they were smiling in return by the way that their eyes lit up and crinkled.

On more than one occasion I sat on a bench and smiled at a woman next to me and greeted her in Arabic.  Each time:

• There was an instant warmth.
• A conversation – in spite of language barriers.
• I was offered some of whatever they were snacking on.
• And as soon as there were no men in the area, each one voluntarily lifted the cloth that covered her face.
• Brilliant, beautiful unexpected connections that make my heart overflow.

No matter where you live: You can choose to leave your comfort zone, use your brain AND your heart and reach out to others:

• Age doesn’t matter
• Race doesn’t matter
• Religion doesn’t matter
• Uniform doesn’t matter

“ The state of your heart matters… Be the change you want to see!

Looking for a speaker or a facilitator for your next event?  

Beyond learning about the day-to-day realities of life in Saudi that aren’t fairly or fully captured in movies or the news – Experiences and learning’s from Saudi can be leveraged to help:

1. People work through divisive current events
2. Students, adults and organizations develop critical life, leadership and people skills
3. Followers of Jesus to find Biblical responses to the news and division in our world

View Speaking Testimonials Here

Image Credit:  Pixabay

On November 15th, twenty-eight women from a variety of races, nations and religions gathered together for a Conversation Safari.  The plan was to dive into divisive current events and the fears that drive our emotions, our behaviors and our results.

Our topic had been planned for months based on several private conversations:

• I’d had with a Muslim neighbor
• And several different conversations I’d had with ladies that will always have a better tan than I do

In each of those private conversations we shared fears, we felt each other’s pain, and considered new perspectives.

(The date of our event had been chosen because of some scheduling conflicts, not because of a master strategy.  But when November 9th rolled around and the election results from the U.S. hit the airwaves – fear in across the world and in the expat sandbox grew.  Our topic could not have been more perfectly timed.)

• One of the women I had met with during the summer shared what was happening at the University that her son attends in the U.S.
• Other neighbors were posting deep concern for their safety in the world
• While other friends in the U.S. were sharing deep concerns about racism and bigotry

The morning of the event, each lady that attended agreed to:

• Share what makes them feel angry and fearful – beyond the election
• Be courageous and open, even if they were uncomfortable
• Bring compassion, curiosity and a spirit of adventure – instead of a desire to win a debate

Each one shared their perspectives

and listened to others.

Some cried, and all laughed, loved, and learned.

After sharing what made each one angry and fearful…  I had been given permission to share the following story from one of those private conversations…

A brlliant, compassionate and beautiful African woman is in an environment where she is often treated as less because of the color of her skin.  One day a neighbor called her a Negro – to her face.  The pain that word caused, still shines in her eyes when she shares the details of that event.

Once the ladies in the room had a few minutes to process her pain, we compared that to another true story…

A white woman that is in her late 60’s was raised in a very rural part of the U.S.. It was so rural that she was 20 years old before she saw a person of color in real life.

Because of her environment and age, this woman used the word Negro as recently as two years ago, as a descriptive term.  (Much like people use the words Caucasian or Hispanic, tall or short – not understanding how much pain it can cause.)

-This white woman cares about her brothers and sisters, regardless of their skin color and wants to understand at a higher level.  But she is unsure how to connect.

Not long ago, she and her husband visited the Southern part of the U.S. and took a tour of slave history.  They were the only white people on the tour.  She was heartbroken by what she saw and disappointed that more white people weren’t there, and even more disappointed about how awkward and uncomfortable it was.  She didn’t know how to express her desire to learn, and the rest of the people on the tour were more than a little suspicious of her presence.

No matter which side of the story we relate to, how do we really know:

• When someone’s intent is malicious?
• If they don’t know what they don’t know?
• Or if they just aren’t sure how to express their compassion and desire to learn?

“ If you are seeking to understand, it’s really ok to say…“I care, I want to know more, I’m outside my comfort zone and I don’t know what to ask.”

Then we discussed a TED Talk about a Muslim woman who lived in the U.S on Sept 11, 2001.  All day long, she experienced great fear about being blamed and persecuted for something that others did.  Instead of her worst fears coming true, she received amazing care and support from her community.

And we compared her experience that day to:

• The experience of one of the Muslim ladies in the room – Who was living Australia far away from her home country of Pakistan for the first time.  Navigating a new culture on her own, far from her father and her husband.  She was treated badly that day – not because she did anything wrong, but because some people were fearing all Muslims, based on the actions of a few.
• My experience – Living in the 4^th largest city in the U.S and not knowing one Muslim. Not one.  The day the planes hit, I was on a business trip in a different state. So my focus was on the safety and security of our country and my loved ones, supporting the co-workers I was with, and getting home to my husband.  …And it never occurred to me to wonder what innocent Muslims were experiencing.  

  “ What would happen if we paused to hear each other’s stories and consider other perspectives?

After meeting with one of my Muslim neighbors this summer – she shared this video with me.

• It emphasizes the temptations we all face in the midst of divisive and terrifying issues
• And recommends an uncommon solution – that each one of us can act on immediately

So before our safari ended the entire group watched it.

As fear-filled news swirls around us, and the world trys to convince us that we have to choose a side… We can choose to:

• Stay in our comfort zones and continually dwell on our anger and fear
• Talk endlessly to people who are angry and fearful of the same things we are – which only increase the size of our monsters
• Sit in judgment of those who don’t side with us

OR

• Stop feeding the anger and fear in our thoughts and our conversations
• Leave our comfort zones and seek to understand those have different stories and perspectives
• Share what we are learning with others

One choice fuels despair, the other fuels hope.

“ What if…  We intentionally and strategically chose love over fear?

CLICK HERE to find out how you can participate in our launch of CONVERSATION Safaris in Greater Houston Nov 6, 2018

*An important mention:  In one of our Safari’s I was asked if it was ok to say “white people” to describe my race.  It was an instant bonding moment for the entire room as we recognized how challenging and uncomfortable it is to have these conversations.  Imagine asking someone about a physical or cognitive challenge, or how to properly describe someone’s race, nationality or religion…  There are very few words that all people agree on.  If we all understand that – it is easier to offer each other grace and keep learning!

Image Credits:  Ghadeer El-Nadoury

As the news about Orlando, and yet another hate crime swirls around us….

What are you seeing? What are you hearing? What are you pondering? What are you praying for?

Typically after events like this I invest major amounts of energy reading the news and contemplating the opinions and the blame game that follows.

This time, started like the others:

• People began to express shock, sympathy, anger and fear.
• A mother of a gay man posted supportive messages to the Orlando community.
• A gay friend changed his personal profile picture to reflect how deeply he relates to their pain.
• Several friends posted anti-gun messages. Others rushed to defend their rights.
• Some forwarded political responses. Others dissected those responses.
• Some forwarded articles about Jihad. While others were quick to defend Islam.

Not one of these reactions stands alone – each one is a piece of a giant puzzle.

…A puzzle we won’t solve unless we are willing to examine each one and look at the picture they create when all the pieces are in place.

“ Real change, not the politically correct version, is built upon seeking the truth. —MIKE MYATT

These are the emotions and the thoughts that I am filled with as the puzzle is coming together:

1. Deep sadness for the people that were there, and for their families and friends.
2. Thoughts of those throughout our world that have experienced similar things.
3. Empathy for LGBT friends and their loved ones.
4. Love for many of my neighbors that are Muslim, as my mind replays a recent conversation with one of them about what she has personally experienced after major attacks took place.
5. Recognition that ISIS wants to leverage hate to divide people, while pondering the data an award-winning Muslim journalist has shared about Radical Islam.
6. Remembering why the right to bear arms was built into our constitution and considering how gun laws work and don’t work.
7. Knowing that:

• Hate-filled hearts will always find ways to commit evil.
• Low-trust and our willingness to consider other perspectives impact our ability to problem-solve.
• Truth, love and standing together will cast out fear.

Whew that puzzle made it difficult to sleep that night and took me to my knees in prayer for:

• For truth-seekers.
• For eyes that see and ears that hear.
• For wisdom.
• For collaboration, ownership and real problem-solving.
• For healing.

“ We can’t solve problems with the same kind of thinking that created them.

24 Hours after those prayers began, I started to witness something that that gives me great hope.

Several conversations that began with one person sharing their concerns and opinions on social media and others responding with alternate perspectives.  But instead of the typical “my way or the highway” debate – people were responding respectfully!  

• Real dialog instead of finger-pointing.
• Trust building instead of word-grenades.
• Real people making an effort to be a part of the solution instead of arguing so hard for their version of what that looks like.
• A few light-hearted moments.
• And some collaborative brainstorming.

I didn’t see it on one person’s feed. I saw unconnected friends starting unrelated dialogs. People that lean in opposite directions but care greatly for the greater good, each one starting from where they are but engaging with and listening to others.

I got so excited that I could not go back to sleep.

• THIS is how problems get solved.
• THIS is what our world needs more of.

And it’s beginning to happen…

The smartest people I know are the most willing to change their minds. They don’t want to be right, they want the right outcome-they want to learn, grow, develop and mature.  -MikeMyatt

I DARE YOU to start and/or engage in some of those uncomfortable conversations:

• Be 100% respectful.
• Do some research.
• Share data.
• Then consider the stories, research and perspectives of others.
• And start to imagine what could be…

I become an agent of change, only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong.  Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to re-energize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning.  I need to put time and effort into building relationships. –The Anatomy of Peace Book

---

If you really want to be an agent of change, and need help getting started:

This blog post includes a video with a true story about how much change is possible when we start with the only people we control…  Ourselves.

• Reflections about understanding racism.
• Reflections about police shootings.
• Reflections about hate, lessons from history.

Image credits:  Grace Whitney Harrington and iStock

Have you got a list of values that you hold so dearly, that they actually define who you are?

• I do too.

And I used to really struggle with those that didn’t share those values.

As a child, I would passionately argue my convictions and not listen to those that did not share my opinions.  (Because they were simply wrong!)

As a young professional, I thought it was horribly rude for people to roll their eyes in disagreement – but the shaking of my head as others spoke – screamed how wrong they were. (And how unwilling I was to listen.)

Hi! My name is Chery, and I am a recovering opinionista! (…Emphasis on recovering.) Somewhere along the way, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw.

So I began to listen more and talk less. (Not because I didn’t have opinions, but because I didn’t know how to share them and really listen.)

Along the way I heard personal stories from people who had opposing views about some of the values that I hold most dear. And I began to really consider what it was like to walk in their shoes and even wonder if I’d experienced what they had, if I would hold those same views.

In most cases, my convictions did not change, but my understanding, compassion and creativity increased:

• So when the issues would come up again I was no longer focused shoving my opinions down their throat, or winning the debate.
• Instead, I became more focused on listening, learning, and finding solutions that included and honored the needs of others while still allowing me to be true to my values.

Every one comes from a different life experience and has witnessed, researched, or considered things you haven’t.  

One of the divisive issues that I have closely followed over the past few years is about police officers in America and the people they agree to protect and serve.

If you’ve followed that issue as well you have witnessed the emotional debates about the importance of their work, the challenges they face, the sacrifices they make and the corruption that eats at all of their credibility when it exists and when it is perceived.

This summer I watched the 10-minute, TED talk below, by Police Officer Chip Huth and was in awe. The tipping point was NOT when they realized that what they were doing wasn’t working, it came when they learned to see people instead of seeing problems. That lesson and their results will exceed your wildest expectations.

After viewing the video, I purchased the book titled The Anatomy of Peace, that was written by The Arbinger Institute – the group that trained Chip and his team. And then devoured the book.

This is one of the quotes from that book…

We end up gathering with allies – actual, perceived, or potential – as a way of feeling justified in our accusing views of others.  As a result of this fact, conflicts try to spread.  So what begins as a conflict between two people spreads to a conflict between many as each person enlists others to his or her side.  Everyone begins acting in ways that invite more of the very problem from the other side that each is complaining about. 

If the video and the quote resonate with you, please get your hands on the book, and begin to think about how these skills could be leveraged to help your family, workplace, community, nation or our world.

[Tweet “Unity is not sameness, it is oneness of purpose. Priscilla Shirer”]

Over the next month I will share additional articles about how this kind of thinking and behavior is being leveraged in different places and what people are learning.

PLEASE SHARE:   What have you learned from those that don’t share your values?  

Check out part II in this series here:  Benefits of learning from those that think differently.

Want more on this topic?  Check out the posts below.

• The 7 Habits of Highly Depolarizing People

Image credit:  Ace Concierge

I grew up in a little town in North Dakota, where we had four very distinct seasons. My favorite as a child was summer – because I absolutely love being in the water!

It was refreshing, peaceful, freeing, great exercise and fun!

Unless we were camping by the lake…  We would pedal our bicycles to the pool multiple times every single day.  In the morning for an hour of lessons, then for three hours of open swimming in the afternoon and occasionally in the evening for another two – three hours of playing in the water!

If gills or a mermaid tail had been an option I would have them!

A few years ago I met a young woman that loved being in the water even more than I do. As a child she was on swim teams and lived in the pool. But at a very young age she was diagnosed with a disease that has impacted her body a lot like ALS.

Today she is fully alert but her body no longer moves at her command requiring her to have help to eat and dress and do all daily functions. Which means she no longer gets to enjoy the serenity that the water once brought her.

One day she attended a party at a friend’s house, and many of us worked together to carry her into the pool and helped her use a flotation device. As soon as she began to feel the water surround her, our souls connected as I watched the familiar tranquility and joy wash over her face.

Tears still sting my eyes when I imagine how much greater the experience was for her because it is now so rare.

A few years later I heard an inspirational young man named Frans Johansson speak about how wildly different backgrounds and ideas can come together to create uncommonly beautiful solutions. (He was preaching to the choir… And my cells were dancing!)

As he spoke he shared several specific examples that I will never forget. One of them highlighted the fact that conservative Muslim women rarely swam because it was so cumbersome to swim fully clothed. At the time I heard him speak I was completely unaware of the challenge these women faced and could not imagine having such restricted access to the water I love.

He went on to share how a Lebanese woman traveled to an Australian beach and began to imagine an alternative.  She used swimsuit material to create a swimming costume that would cover a woman’s body from her head to her ankles which allowed her to be modest and to swim with much more comfort and flexibility. …Before long her brightly colored designs were called Burkinis and certified as acceptable Muslim Swimwear.

All of those dots connected and left a permanent impression:

• My love of water.
• The deep understanding that others loved it as much as I do and how it must feel to have extremely limited access to it.
• Paired with the new knowledge of why the Burkini was created and the celebration of how all innovations impact lives.

Two years later, we moved to the big sandbox we are currently living in and all of those experiences came flooding back as I began to witness several occasions where dads and children were in the pool but the wives/mothers were sitting fully clothed on the side of the pool. (In desert heat!) Each time I wondered if the mom didn’t know how to swim, if dad wouldn’t allow it, or if she didn’t have a Burkini.

It didn’t take long to realize:

• That some of my non-Muslim neighbors didn’t know what a Burkini was and some explanation was needed.
• And others (some of the same faith and some not) could be quite judgmental and even hateful about a woman wearing something different to the pool.

As a result of all of the combined experiences:

• When I see my neighbors, I don’t see their religion. I see people.
• When I see women in Burkinis, I don’t see something odd – I see innovation that inspires me.
• When I see ladies sitting on the side of the pool on an extremely hot day, I hope that they have the choice to experience the tranquility and joy that I do when I am surrounded by water.
• And when I hear others expressing disgust about a swimming costume that is different from their own, I wonder how they would feel if swimming was no longer an option for them…

Earlier this week I spent an hour with people from all over our world that are against bullying in schools, in workplaces and in our world.  (For full disclosure – I was a bully and it changed my life.)

As we chatted I thought of all of the stories in the news, on social media and shared by our friends that cause us to focus on our differences. (Several of those stories had been weighing on me before the chat.  And then I pondered how that focus fuels doubt, and fear which encourages us to think ONLY about ourselves.)

[Tweet “YOU can do 4 simple things to decrease bullying and division:”]

1. Leverage what you love and what you’ve learned to understand others
2. Don’t apply broad labels and harsh judgments to a group of people
3. Think critically and seek truth:  read, observe and listen
4. Draw deep on courage, call out labels, half-truths, propaganda and outright lies

If you choose to be the change you’d like to see, below are several resources for you:

• Purchase a copy of Frans Johansson’s Book The Medici Effect
• Check out this powerful post from Peter Bregman about listening, thinking, and speaking with courage and influence
• Check out this post about How to End the Blame Game
• Take action with this simple idea:  Take “the other” to lunch by Elizabeth Lesser
• Learn how to deal with dividers:  11 Tips for Dealing with Manipulators
• Join Kate Nasser’s #peopleskills tweet chat when we discuss Ending Bullying

Occasionally a fire alarm even goes off, but it is quickly silenced.

…But if you follow your nose the smoke gets thicker around another titled leader’s door.

Yes – I’m asking about a titled leader that may be a level or two below you, may be your direct report, your peer or even your boss.    

• The one that can be charming and charismatic.
• The one that you go to lunch with.
• The one that has so many right words to say when you smell the smoke, that you begin to dismiss the truth that smoke has a source.

True stories below:

A high-potential employee with great people skills and a strong work ethic is constantly promoted within a company for more than a decade.

When he is promoted again he can’t get the tools and support he needs and begins to struggle. He’s not a quitter and doesn’t know how to fail, so he sacrifices all of his vacation and family time and works instead.

But no matter how many hours he puts in, he is treated as if he is the problem and eventually fired.

Then another high potential/long-term employee is relocated to take the same role, in the same place, with the same leader, in the same environment.

And the cycle begins again…

[Tweet “Where there is smoke there is usually fire!  “]

A new leader is hired and immediately this person’s direct reports began to catch her in a series of lies.

When they try to address their concerns with the next level of leadership, their new leader is informed.

Behind the scenes – The new leader retaliates and threatens individual jobs. And then begins to manipulate individuals in one-on-one conversations that are intended to take the focus off of her and redirect it to each other.  Strategically planted questions begin to sow seeds of doubt about the people they’ve worked with for years… “Do you think so and so is ________?”   (You fill in the blank.)

…Soon a team that once felt secure and stood together is filled with fear and insecurity. They no longer feel supported by their manager, or the chain of command, or each other. Their focus changes from US to ME and their morale begins to tank.

Would you begin to smell the smoke or see the haze?

Unfortunately the new leader is able to keep anyone from noticing the fire that is growing for a time, because the individuals on the team have high personal standards and the previous momentum they had is heping them meet their objectives temporarily.

If you followed the haze and practiced any degree of fire prevention, you would quickly notice that this leader is frequently tardy and absent from work (physically and mentally) and continually violating company policies and ethics when she is there.

However, because no one sniffed out the cause of the haze, results declined and ethics violations grew in both volume and intensity until the fire became so large it could no longer be ignored.

Character-based leaders make courageous choices to investigate smoke and to fight fires.

They care for individual lives and for the organization they serve.

They protect results, limit risk and fuel:

• Employee Morale, Engagement Performance
• Customer & Employee Retention

[Tweet “When you smell the smoke of bad leadership what do you do?”]

Want more?  

If you’re the employee:

• How to Work with Manipulators

If you are on a team of employees:

• Together You Stand, Divided You Fall

If you’re in HR, you office down the hall or if you are the boss:

• Turn over Rocks and Look at Squiggly Things
• Leadership means Ownership

Image Credit: iStock

Years after we worked together, that person sent me an invitation to connect on LinkedIn.

• If some time had not passed, I would have declined it instantly and been filled with tons of negative emotions as I did it.

But grace had changed my heart and in spite of all of the behaviors that I disagreed with I had learned to:

• Pray for them.
• Recognize their humanity.
• Ache for them, knowing some personal challenges they were dealing with.
• Appreciate their strengths.
• And even enjoy their personality.

And yet, in spite of the changes in my heart, I still had no reason to trust them.  

• My gut kicked when I tried to imagine this person being truthful about much of anything.
• I knew my network had significant value to them and my gut said that was the real reason for the invitation.
• And when I tried to imagine them valuing the people or the relationships in that network, my gut responded again emphasizing that they were just a means to an end.

So after much thought and prayer I decided that although there are things I would be willing to do for them, this was not one of them.  

And I declined the invitation.

Some recent events jogged that memory out of my mental database and this quote from Stephen M.R. Covey keeps running through my mind…

“There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy and civilization throughout the world – one thing which, if removed will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love.  

 On the other hand, if developed and leveraged that one thing has the potential to create unparalleled success and prosperity in every dimension of life.  Yet it is the least understood, most neglected and most underestimated possibility of our time.  

 That one thing is trust.”  

Please share:

• [Tweet “Have you ever created a boundary in a relationship because of a trust issue?”]
• Have you ever juggled the desire to offer grace and kept a boundary in place at the same time?
• How do you cultivate trust with others?

Image Credits:  iStock

When I was a teenager I watched daytime soap operas. In each of them there was always a manipulative character that consistently pressed invisible buttons, somehow always getting what they wanted.

I remember wondering if anyone could actually be that conniving.

This weekend a news article and a video that covered different stories, were shared on social media.

Both were shared to stir hate and both effectively stirred up some of their intended audience.

• The article made me angry
• The video shocked me

And as I pondered both I started to wonder about the part of the story that wasn’t being told.

• Who and how many people were involved in the behavior in the article? Was it one very hateful person, a whole group or a reporter making up a news story?
• What happened before the video started? …After it ended? The message trail and audio in the video clearly emphasized hate, but the video itself didn’t.

Both caused me to think about the importance of unity.

And both reminded me that there are master manipulators in real life just like in soap operas. …And each one of them knows that they are in control if they successfully divide people.

[Tweet “Together we stand and divided we fall.”]

Fortunately I’ve only met two people in real life that I would call “master manipulators” -sadly, both of them destroyed trust, teams and lives.

• Both were very intelligent.
• Both could be very charming and funny.
• Both were experts at giving the right impression to the people they wanted something from but not afraid to let some of their innards hang out in front of others.
• Both were bullies that constantly planted seeds of doubt, and then nurtured those seeds with gossip and lies until they developed into full-grown fear.
• And both lived in constant fear of being discovered for who they really were.

Below are some hard-learned lessons for dealing with master manipulators:

1. If they can divide people they are in control.
2. The only power they have comes from planting doubt, fear and lies.
3. Refuse to let them plant those seeds of doubt in your mind about others.
4. Check the facts, think critically and question: who, what, when, where, why, how?
5. Use your brain, your eyes, your ears, and your gut to discern the truth.
6. Truth is light. Shine it! Speak up with confidence and use data.
7. Follow up all face-to -face conversations with an email to recap what was said.
8. Stay calm – You can’t think clearly if you let your emotions rule you. And if your emotions are ruling they are winning.
9. Look deeper to see the hurting human underneath the behavior.
10. Remind others that together you stand and divided you fall and teach them to do all of the above.
11. Hold each other accountable. We are all capable of creating division. Each choice we make determines if we stand together or fall apart.

What would you add to this list?  Please Share!

I DARE YOU:  To be the change YOU want to see!

Image credit:  iStock

She recently challenged my friend and co-author Susan Mazza to share her Letter To A Bully on her blog.

In Susan’s post she asked, [Tweet “If you wrote a letter to a bully, what would you say?”]

It did not take me long to craft my response to Susan because I’ve spent so much time pondering this issue – long before I called it what it is.  (Anyone that tears down others so that they will feel better about themselves is a bully.)  Below are links to three of my previous posts.

1. I was a bully, and it changed my life.

2.  Like you, I’ve seen great leaders and I’ve seen workplace bullying that reminds me of the playground.   It makes my stomach churn and my heart ache.

3. Bullies on the playground and in the workplace reflect the hearts and minds of racists, drug lords, human traffickers and unfortunately many world leaders.

This was my answer to Susan…

Dear Bully,

I watched you in action today.

I saw you puffing up, raising your voice, and using your power and position to stand over someone, look down at them, make fun of them and intimidate them.

I saw you intentionally antagonizing those around you.

I saw you planting seeds of doubt, lies and fear, and doing everything you could to divide people so you could continue the illusion that you are in control.

When I held up the mirror so you could get a glimpse of what you are bringing to others you smashed it to the ground.

…And I wondered:

• Why you do what you do?
• Who hurt you and turned your heart to stone?  
• Did you made a conscious choice to become a bully?

I know you want to protect yourself and come across as invincible.

I know you think power is the answer.  

But when I look past your exterior, I see a small child filled with pain and fear.  

It must be so frustrating to realize that no matter how much power you appear to have, you still live in fear and your masquerade is not repairing what is broken inside of you.

I bet you would give anything to experience real peace and real joy.

I wonder if you know that your gifts and your potential are buried in the muck of your behavior….

Although I don’t trust you, I pray for you.

I hope that one day:

• You find healing, and peace.
• Your gifts will be magnified.
• Instead of tearing down you build up – pouring confidence, expectation and hope into the lives you touch.

~ I wish you joy and peace.  

 How about you?  If you wrote a letter to a bully, what would you say?  Please comment and pass it on!