We’ve all been there…

When our boss hires a friend:

• Then the friend leverages that relationship to charm their way out of responsibility and accountability.

When laws are created for the good of all:

• But certain groups are consistently exempt from the law.

When an executive relocates:

• And thinks company policy does not apply to him.

Inconsistency is unfair and confusing.  It creates stress, erodes trust, increases frustration, wears people out, decreases ownership and limits potential.

On the flip side of that, fairness:

1. Helps people feel heard, seen and considered
2. Tears down walls of self-protection
3. Encourages conversations
4. Increases understanding
5. Builds trust
6. Fuels collaboration
7. Unleashes energy and engagement
8. Creates positive change
9. Builds momentum
10. Maximizes results

A leader I’ve admired for many years received this feedback when he decided to run for a public office, “I have known him a long time and have done business with him on several occasions. I have to say he always treated me fair. I did not always get my way, but he always, treated me fair. …That’s just the way he is and how he does business, fair & square.”

“ That kind of fairness: Positively impacts people, problem solving and growth.

Yet so many leaders fail to cultivate fairness in their organizations.

Patrick Lencioni points out one very important reason why titled leaders often avoid simple but effective solutions:

..Simple solutions usually require discipline and hard work over time, while the sophisticated ones seem like shiny silver bullets, capable of making a problem go away in one innovative shot.

“ Fairness is hard work.

It requires focus, effort, consistency, and humility.

But the impact is worth the effort.

Have you ever made a strategic effort to be consistent, fair and explainable?

If not – why not make it your goal for the New Year?  (2018 will be very different from 2017 if you do!)

Got a Leadership Question – Contact Chery

On Monday morning women from 9 different nations connected in an online Conversation Safari to explore the question… Are you being manipulated?

During that discussion, we talked about different kinds of manipulation.

1. Unintentional manipulation – like a guilt trip to get someone to do what you want him or her to do.
2. Intentional manipulation – when someone intentionally distorts facts for personal gain.
3. Intentional AND strategic manipulation – when someone strategically distorts facts, and creates disruption to accomplish a specific goal.

Most people on the call believe that intentional AND strategic manipulation happens more often than we realize.

A few days later I stumbled into a real life example of their point.

I was attending a public meeting and just before the meeting closed…

A woman took a seat in front of an elected official that has been manipulating facts and people.

As she spoke into the microphone, her statement shined a bright light on important details:

• First she quoted policy and reminded everyone in the room how disagreements and concerns were supposed to be handled.
• Then she listed specific dates and read exact quotes when this man had publically posted statements that were out of line with that policy.
• After reading each one of his quotes, she shared actual data from meeting minutes, and from emails that countered his false statements.

Her data made a huge impact:

• Filling in missing information that altered his stories completely.
• Supporting co-workers that he’d attacked.
• Effectively defending her own work.

She made each point with confidence, often looking up and making eye contact with the man that is used to intimidating others into silence.

As she spoke, his red face deepened in color.

His only verbal responses were to request a copy of what she read, and to ask if the meeting was over.

He made no attempt to explain or defend.  And provided no indication of shame, remorse or correction.

As women come together to stand against Weinstein’s abuse of power.  This one woman, was alone at the microphone.

Courageously standing against the behavior of  a titled leader that has been scheming to destroy truth, teamwork and individuals for his own gain.  

I don’t know what the future holds for that man, the people that work with him or the people that he was elected to serve.

But I do know this:  

“ Each of us has a responsibility to be truth detectives.

“ Check ALL the facts, and think critically.

“ Grit up and STAND for TRUTH!

-Regardless of the group you typically align yourself with.  

• (Loyalty to political party, religion, social network, co-workers, friends and even family –  should be second to TRUTH.)

Please share: Have you ever stood alone against a schemer?

If there is a schemer in your workplace, below are 9 tips to help you stand against and rise above their behavior.

This is a piece of a puzzle.

-A PIECE of something greater than itself.

This piece is important.

-Without it, the picture is INCOMPLETE.

This piece is filled with critical clues about the WHOLE picture.

-But it will never be able to tell the story alone.

Each piece must be heard.

-But must NOT be the only perspective we consider.

ONE piece emphasizes:

My team

My budget

My knowledge

My experiences

My perspectives

My goals

-ME!

SEVERAL pieces provide more clues:

-But still fail to tell the whole story.

Our corner – Our people

Our side – Our needs

-Are more important than yours.

When ALL the pieces start asking:

Where are we going?

What do you see?

What do you know?

How can we help each other?

The picture becomes clear.

-And each piece becomes WHOLE.

On November 15th, twenty-eight women from a variety of races, nations and religions gathered together for a Conversation Safari.  The plan was to dive into divisive current events and the fears that drive our emotions, our behaviors and our results.

Our topic had been planned for months based on several private conversations:

• I’d had with a Muslim neighbor
• And several different conversations I’d had with ladies that will always have a better tan than I do

In each of those private conversations we shared fears, we felt each other’s pain, and considered new perspectives.

(The date of our event had been chosen because of some scheduling conflicts, not because of a master strategy.  But when November 9th rolled around and the election results from the U.S. hit the airwaves – fear in across the world and in the expat sandbox grew.  Our topic could not have been more perfectly timed.)

• One of the women I had met with during the summer shared what was happening at the University that her son attends in the U.S.
• Other neighbors were posting deep concern for their safety in the world
• While other friends in the U.S. were sharing deep concerns about racism and bigotry

The morning of the event, each lady that attended agreed to:

• Share what makes them feel angry and fearful – beyond the election
• Be courageous and open, even if they were uncomfortable
• Bring compassion, curiosity and a spirit of adventure – instead of a desire to win a debate

Each one shared their perspectives

and listened to others.

Some cried, and all laughed, loved, and learned.

After sharing what made each one angry and fearful…  I had been given permission to share the following story from one of those private conversations…

A brlliant, compassionate and beautiful African woman is in an environment where she is often treated as less because of the color of her skin.  One day a neighbor called her a Negro – to her face.  The pain that word caused, still shines in her eyes when she shares the details of that event.

Once the ladies in the room had a few minutes to process her pain, we compared that to another true story…

A white woman that is in her late 60’s was raised in a very rural part of the U.S.. It was so rural that she was 20 years old before she saw a person of color in real life.

Because of her environment and age, this woman used the word Negro as recently as two years ago, as a descriptive term.  (Much like people use the words Caucasian or Hispanic, tall or short – not understanding how much pain it can cause.)

-This white woman cares about her brothers and sisters, regardless of their skin color and wants to understand at a higher level.  But she is unsure how to connect.

Not long ago, she and her husband visited the Southern part of the U.S. and took a tour of slave history.  They were the only white people on the tour.  She was heartbroken by what she saw and disappointed that more white people weren’t there, and even more disappointed about how awkward and uncomfortable it was.  She didn’t know how to express her desire to learn, and the rest of the people on the tour were more than a little suspicious of her presence.

No matter which side of the story we relate to, how do we really know:

• When someone’s intent is malicious?
• If they don’t know what they don’t know?
• Or if they just aren’t sure how to express their compassion and desire to learn?

“ If you are seeking to understand, it’s really ok to say…“I care, I want to know more, I’m outside my comfort zone and I don’t know what to ask.”

Then we discussed a TED Talk about a Muslim woman who lived in the U.S on Sept 11, 2001.  All day long, she experienced great fear about being blamed and persecuted for something that others did.  Instead of her worst fears coming true, she received amazing care and support from her community.

And we compared her experience that day to:

• The experience of one of the Muslim ladies in the room – Who was living Australia far away from her home country of Pakistan for the first time.  Navigating a new culture on her own, far from her father and her husband.  She was treated badly that day – not because she did anything wrong, but because some people were fearing all Muslims, based on the actions of a few.
• My experience – Living in the 4^th largest city in the U.S and not knowing one Muslim. Not one.  The day the planes hit, I was on a business trip in a different state. So my focus was on the safety and security of our country and my loved ones, supporting the co-workers I was with, and getting home to my husband.  …And it never occurred to me to wonder what innocent Muslims were experiencing.  

  “ What would happen if we paused to hear each other’s stories and consider other perspectives?

After meeting with one of my Muslim neighbors this summer – she shared this video with me.

• It emphasizes the temptations we all face in the midst of divisive and terrifying issues
• And recommends an uncommon solution – that each one of us can act on immediately

So before our safari ended the entire group watched it.

As fear-filled news swirls around us, and the world trys to convince us that we have to choose a side… We can choose to:

• Stay in our comfort zones and continually dwell on our anger and fear
• Talk endlessly to people who are angry and fearful of the same things we are – which only increase the size of our monsters
• Sit in judgment of those who don’t side with us

OR

• Stop feeding the anger and fear in our thoughts and our conversations
• Leave our comfort zones and seek to understand those have different stories and perspectives
• Share what we are learning with others

One choice fuels despair, the other fuels hope.

“ What if…  We intentionally and strategically chose love over fear?

CLICK HERE to find out how you can participate in our launch of CONVERSATION Safaris in Greater Houston Nov 6, 2018

*An important mention:  In one of our Safari’s I was asked if it was ok to say “white people” to describe my race.  It was an instant bonding moment for the entire room as we recognized how challenging and uncomfortable it is to have these conversations.  Imagine asking someone about a physical or cognitive challenge, or how to properly describe someone’s race, nationality or religion…  There are very few words that all people agree on.  If we all understand that – it is easier to offer each other grace and keep learning!

Image Credits:  Ghadeer El-Nadoury

Imagine learning that a very obstinate peer is going to become your new boss. Yes – the opinionated one that is like a dog with a bone and just won’t drop a subject, and almost always opposes your point of view.

To say you are concerned is an understatement! That overwhelming dread you are feeling is fueled by RAW FEAR.

Two years after you survive that transition, you look back and realize:

1. Your boss allowed you to express opposing ideas without fear: Yes – you disagreed a lot, both passionately and emphatically, but never disrespectfully. In spite of holding wildly opposing views– you were always allowed to speak your truth even if it was the opposite of what your boss was thinking. And he of course, always shared his opinions.

“ A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart. —PROVERBS

2. Even though you didn’t always agree – he had your back: In the time that you worked for him you faced two huge issues. One would have impacted your personal life in a major way, and the other was impacting your professional life. In both cases you needed to be heard, and you needed someone at a higher level to stand with you. And he rose to the occasion without hesitation, without fear, without wavering. He not only got your back, he was instrumental in making the necessary change happen.

3. He made wiser decisions – because you weren’t a “yes” man. Instead of telling him what you thought he wanted to hear you gave your honest opinion and backed it up with lots of data.

“ The best ideas emerge when very different perspectives meet. —FRANS JOHANSSON

4. Your strengths made him look good: Knowing that he heard you, respected you and had your back – motivated you to willingly leverage your greatest strengths to support him at a higher level – often reminding him about deadlines and details that he was not on top of.

5. You were a great team. As you played to each other’s strengths, your entire team became more effective and more productive.

Focusing on strengths is the surest way to greater job satisfaction, team performance and organizational excellence. Marcus Buckingham

Please share:  Have you ever been filled with dread when you learned who your new boss would be?  …What happened?  

Have you ever worked in a place that is caught in a cycle that is NOT working?

• But instead of digging for the root cause, titled leaders wave “magic wands” that cause some people to disappear and others to appear?

Have you ever wondered if anyone recognizes that new faces are just another Band-Aid that is being used to cover a growing cancer instead of treating it?

Once upon a time, I had a conversation with someone about a problem that needed to be solved.

We’d faced this problem before.

• The first solution had been to replace a person.
• A few months later we were having a very similar problem with a different person.

We both agreed that the problem was not only unresolved, it had gotten worse.  And we agreed that we needed a solution.

• But we disagreed about what that looked like.
• I wanted to know why a second person was struggling in the same position that someone else had failed in.
• He didn’t want to waste time flipping rocks trying to understand why, he simply wanted the new person replaced, as quickly as possible.

When problems surface, it is so tempting to rush for the magic wand.

It may appear to be faster, easier or even the “safest” way to appease the investors or the CEO.

• However, waving magic wands that make some faces disappear while new faces appear, doesn’t solve deeper issues.
• And titled leaders that prefer magic wands to real solutions  – won’t be around very long.

“ Thinking is hard work; that’s why so few people do it. —ALBERT EINSTEIN

Below are two true stories:

 1.  A high-potential employee is constantly promoted within a company for more than a decade. 

When he is promoted again he can’t get the tools and support he needs and begins to struggle. He’s not a quitter and doesn’t know how to fail, so he sacrifices all of his vacation and family time and works instead.  But no matter how many hours he puts in, he is treated as if he is the problem and eventually fired.

Then another high potential/long-term employee is relocated to take the same role, in the same place, with the same leader, in the same environment.

And the cycle begins again…

What if:

• The employees that are continually recruited for this role are not the problem?
• The training and support needs to be improved?
• The culture in that department is causing people to fail?
• The titled leader in that department is the source of the problem?

*What is it costing the organization to continually lose long-term, high performing employees in this one black hole?  

“ Problems will only be solved when you understand why they exist and are willing to be a part of the solution.

2.  An owner of a couple of small businesses is frustrated with dwindling profits. 

He blames his staff, treats them badly, moves them to different locations, stalls their vacations and refuses to listen to their feedback.

What if:

• The employees need more training and more support?
• The declining business is caused by the owner’s lack of presence and engagement with his customers?
• His customer are leaving because competitors have better service, pricing, equipment and facilities?

*What is is costing that business owner to continue to operate in this way?  

---

Please share:  

• Have you ever worked in a culture that discourages thinking?

Want more on this topic?  

• Your organization really is a reflection of what you create and what you allow.
• If you can’t see this video in your RSS reader or email, then click here.

Have you ever worked for someone that could drive a number but didn’t care what it took to make that happen?

• Lying
• Bullying
• Dividing

People, processes and rules were not important. Winning AT ALL COSTS was.

“ Many managers become hell-bent on winning no matter what it takes, and they treat their people like objects-in short, they lose their soul. —KARIN HURT & DAVID DYE

When titled leaders are under pressure for results, it can be tempting to focus only on the win and to forget about:

• The lives of the employees
• The loyalty of the customers
• The perception of the public
• Or the future of the company

“ Winning Well doesn’t mean you’ll be a pushover. It means you’ll be a manager known for getting results, whom people respect, and whom people want to work with. You can win-and you can win without losing your soul. —KARIN HURT & DAVID DYE

As I’ve followed the new book launch of Winning Well – A leadership book that is designed to help people do just that, – My curiosity about the behind-the-scenes stories has been increasing.

The authors of the book, Karin Hurt and David Dye are popular leadership bloggers and speakers that discovered each other online because something Karin had written sounded so much like something David would say – that he thought he wrote the article. When he discovered that she was the author he contacted her, and they that they had a live chat.

Although she is on the East Coast and he is in the MidWest they quickly discovered that they were both planning to attend the same conference.

Meeting live for the first time they talked about the books they were both writing, and as Karin puts it, “We were writing the same book.”

At that point they had choices:

1. Hurry to write their book and get it published and compete.
2. Or trust someone they hardly knew and collaborate.

Breaking through their comfort zones, they chose option 2, invested in building trust, capitalized on their complementary strengths, wrote a book proposal, received a signed contract and started writing.

Barely into the collaboration David went through a divorce, so Karin carried the ball while David focused on his daughter and rebuilding his life.

A short time later, Karin’s mother passed away, and David grabbed the ball and kept it in play so Karin could honor her mother and focus on family. When life threw Karin another curve ball David was there again.

As a friend of Karin’s – I knew about her mom’s death, and that she and David were working on a book together, but I didn’t know the details.

As it came closer and closer to their launch the evidence of their synergy and collaboration pulled me in.

• Matching Hi Top Vans
• White boards
• A whirlwind book tour in cities across the U.S.
• Sometimes speaking, sometimes celebrating
• Even Chewbacca and Darth Vader made appearances
• David rapping – Yes I said rapping
• Energy
• Joy
• AND an IMPORTANT MESSAGE!

“ Leaders that Win Well inspire others with intelligence, integrity and fun! (And they make it look easy!) —CHERY GEGELMAN

Download a free chapter of their book and check out their ecourse here.

Order their book from Amazon here.

Hear Karin and David live and learn more about their story as they share, Secrets of Successful Authors: How to Build Your Platform (& Remain Friends) at the National Speakers Association Conference July 23-26, 2016 at the JW Marriott Desert Ridge, Phoenix, AZ

I was recently visiting with someone about the goals of young professionals in a specific location. She said that everyone wants to be a manager.

So I asked why:

• Was it about the title?
• The perceived power?
• The paycheck?
• The perception that it is an easier job?

She said they want to sit behind a big desk and sign things.

Instantly I visualized a “manager” sitting behind a big desk with their feet resting on the desk reading a newspaper. A clap of his hands and someone comes running with a hot beverage. A loud shout results in several people running into his office – varying ages, heights, and ethnicities – all cowering in fear. “Yes Boss…”  (True story!)

“ Titles and desks don’t make great managers or loyal employees.

Then I pictured another true story that a friend recently shared with me. A CEO of an extremely wealthy and powerful company scheduled a meeting with another company. The day before the meeting, his staff visited the location he would be at to review the agenda and identify any potential security risks. The day of the visit the CEO arrived in an escorted caravan. As soon as doors opened several members of his staff began making and serving tea for everyone at the meeting.

The entire process fascinated my friend but he was not impressed until he witnessed that very powerful CEO personally engaging with people from a variety of positions. In each interaction he focused on the individual in front of him. He asked personal questions and demonstrated a genuine interest in each one.

“ Power may be fascinating – but people skills are more impressive.

As our discussion continued, we talked about managers that sit in their offices all day and never meet the people that work in positions that are levels “below” them.

And then we compared those titled leaders to the ones that intentionally get out of their offices, walk around, and engage with people at all levels.

We both remember the first time titled leaders that were far above our paygrade showed a genuine interest in us. And we remember the reaction of our employees the first time that titled leaders far above their position took the time to sit, listen and ask questions.

“ Everyone comes from a different life experience and has witnessed, researched, or considered things you haven’t.

We are never too old to learn that great managers:

1. Aren’t lazy.
2. Don’t hide behind their desks.
3. Don’t try to motivate people with fear.
4. Are genuinely interested in others.
5. Intentionally block out time on their calendars to walk around and engage.
6. Really listen.
7. Know more about what is really going on in their organization.
8. Remove more roadblocks.
9. Fuel more passion and loyalty.
10. Achieve greater results.

Please share:  What have you witnessed great managers doing?

Image credit:  Pixabay

Have you got a list of values that you hold so dearly, that they actually define who you are?

• I do too.

And I used to really struggle with those that didn’t share those values.

As a child, I would passionately argue my convictions and not listen to those that did not share my opinions.  (Because they were simply wrong!)

As a young professional, I thought it was horribly rude for people to roll their eyes in disagreement – but the shaking of my head as others spoke – screamed how wrong they were. (And how unwilling I was to listen.)

Hi! My name is Chery, and I am a recovering opinionista! (…Emphasis on recovering.) Somewhere along the way, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw.

So I began to listen more and talk less. (Not because I didn’t have opinions, but because I didn’t know how to share them and really listen.)

Along the way I heard personal stories from people who had opposing views about some of the values that I hold most dear. And I began to really consider what it was like to walk in their shoes and even wonder if I’d experienced what they had, if I would hold those same views.

In most cases, my convictions did not change, but my understanding, compassion and creativity increased:

• So when the issues would come up again I was no longer focused shoving my opinions down their throat, or winning the debate.
• Instead, I became more focused on listening, learning, and finding solutions that included and honored the needs of others while still allowing me to be true to my values.

Every one comes from a different life experience and has witnessed, researched, or considered things you haven’t.  

One of the divisive issues that I have closely followed over the past few years is about police officers in America and the people they agree to protect and serve.

If you’ve followed that issue as well you have witnessed the emotional debates about the importance of their work, the challenges they face, the sacrifices they make and the corruption that eats at all of their credibility when it exists and when it is perceived.

This summer I watched the 10-minute, TED talk below, by Police Officer Chip Huth and was in awe. The tipping point was NOT when they realized that what they were doing wasn’t working, it came when they learned to see people instead of seeing problems. That lesson and their results will exceed your wildest expectations.

After viewing the video, I purchased the book titled The Anatomy of Peace, that was written by The Arbinger Institute – the group that trained Chip and his team. And then devoured the book.

This is one of the quotes from that book…

We end up gathering with allies – actual, perceived, or potential – as a way of feeling justified in our accusing views of others.  As a result of this fact, conflicts try to spread.  So what begins as a conflict between two people spreads to a conflict between many as each person enlists others to his or her side.  Everyone begins acting in ways that invite more of the very problem from the other side that each is complaining about. 

If the video and the quote resonate with you, please get your hands on the book, and begin to think about how these skills could be leveraged to help your family, workplace, community, nation or our world.

[Tweet “Unity is not sameness, it is oneness of purpose. Priscilla Shirer”]

Over the next month I will share additional articles about how this kind of thinking and behavior is being leveraged in different places and what people are learning.

PLEASE SHARE:   What have you learned from those that don’t share your values?  

Check out part II in this series here:  Benefits of learning from those that think differently.

Want more on this topic?  Check out the posts below.

• The 7 Habits of Highly Depolarizing People

Image credit:  Ace Concierge

Have you ever worked with someone that has a title but:

• Struggles to take a clear stand on heated issues, causing them to flip-flop so often – that no one knows where they really stand?
• Manipulates the truth to control the outcome?

Where there is smoke there is usually fire.

• And yet, far too often people stumble over the truth, and then hurry off as if nothing happened.

As I’ve been pondering a specific situation that involves this type of behavior, the election process in the U.S. has provided endless fuel for those thoughts and caused me to seriously question why and how we choose our leaders.

If they look promising but cheat to achieve their results – do we recognize that smoke as a fire signal?

[Tweet “Actions speak louder than words.”]

If they say they agree with us on the issues that matter to us but have a pattern of lying – do we listen to their words or base our decisions on their actions?

[Tweet “Repeated actions scream louder than words.”]

Is it unrealistic to expect employees, titled leaders and politicians to tell the truth?

Or have we unconsciously decided that it is too hard and too time consuming to invest our time and energy in our search for truth?

I am convinced that once organizational health is properly understood and placed into the right context it will surpass all other disciplines in business as the greatest opportunity for improvement and competitive advantage. Really.

~ Patrick Lencioni

Flip Flopping, Half-Truths and Lies may please in the moment…

• But they can’t be maintained.
• “It’s all about me” and “I’m looking out for number one” thinking moves in.
• Silos, politics and turf wars reign.
• Obstacles can’t be identified and eliminated.
• Problems aren’t solved.
• Unresolved issues grow – and will be even harder to repair and heal. 

We will always be impacted by what we create and allow.

Want real healing, real solutions and real results in your home, your workplaces and our world?

Mine for truth and shine a light on it!

Want more on this topic?

• 11 Tips for Dealing with Manipulators
• Fix the Problems and not Just the Symptoms
• The Epidemic Risk of Inconsistency
• Your Organization:  A reflection of what you create and what you allow
• Is your ego in the way of your success?  (Your people might think so)