A friend recently had an appointment with a doctor. The doctor started to prescribe medicine to treat the symptoms of a gut issue.

So the patient advocated for herself. She reminded the doctor that she has additional medical issues that are bigger than the gut issue. She has osteoporosis and needs a stronger skeletal system and this medicine will make her bones weaker.

The doctor heard her concern and thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess you need to look at the whole picture.”

“ When we treat the symptoms of one part we can actually increase the problems for other parts.

At work and in our world is easy to focus on one piece of the puzzle:

• What is happening right now
• The goals that are not being met
• How we are being impacted
• The things we fear
• The causes we care about

“ When we seek first to understand we begin to see the other pieces of the puzzle.

The piece versus the whole:

Firing that long-term formerly high-performing employee. But not evaluating what has changed or what could be done about it.

Setting individual performance goals for employees that conflict with company objectives. But not evaluating why either the people or the company continually miss the mark.

Asking industry leaders to attend an advisory meeting so your school can continue to be accredited.   But telling them what you do, instead of asking for them what they need you to be teaching.

Spending millions of dollars to create a new program for your company without promoting the benefits of this new program to your sales team or your customers. But when sales goals aren’t achieved, that program is thrown out the window instead of leveraging it as the competitive edge that it is.

Arguing about if it is ok to kneel during the national anthem or not. …But not talking about how we work together to continue to close the gap between our country’s vision and our reality.

Debating compassion for future refugees versus national security as if they are the only pieces in the puzzle. But not investing that same level of energy to examine how current immigrants receive support and direction.  Resulting in missed opportunities to collaborate and accomplish both goals while helping people fall in love with their new home.

“ It is much more effective to examine the whole picture before we begin prescribing solutions.

Do you make decisions based on one or two pieces of a puzzle?  Or do you intentionally step back and examine the whole picture first?

Need help focusing on the whole picture?  Contact Chery to learn more.   

When was the last time you were in a conversation, and heard someone use the word “ALL” to describe the beliefs or behavior of an entire group of humans?

How many articles have filled your screens in the last week that emphasized all the reasons you should mistrust, disregard, or fear an entire group of people?

I’m deeply troubled about the volume of educated, intelligent, caring people that are having these conversations and sharing these articles and this is why…

Throughout history the word “ALL has been leveraged to:

1. Box and dehumanize entire groups of people
2. Fuel fear, judgment and anger
3. Shut down critical thinking
4. Increase distrust
5. Intensify division

“ Wise people don’t let others manipulate their thinking, behavior or results.

Today it is often being leveraged to convince you that “ALL“:

• ___  Executives are unwilling to receive feedback
• ___  Frontline employees are unwilling and unable to solve problems
• ___  Police Officers are unethical
• ___  Government offices are inefficient
• ___  Politicians are crooked
• ___  Home-schooled children are anti-social
• ___  Poor people are lazy
• ___  Wealthy people are selfish and greedy
• ___  Brown men are bad fathers
• ___  White men are racist
• ___  Saudi men are unwilling to support the dreams of their wives and daughters
• ___  Christians are hateful
• ___  Muslims are terrorists
• ___  Conservatives are racist
• ___  Liberals want to destroy your nation
• __________________________(Fill in the blank.)

What a list of word grenades! 

So why do we rage against being thrown into one of those boxes and labeled, and tossed aside?

And then judge ourselves by our intentions while failing to consider the intentions of others?

“ Sensible people listen to individuals and seek to understand.

Instead of just reading history, what if we LEARNED from it?

Propaganda has been used to impact thinking in every corner of the world, through all times.  Chains, paint, nakedness, skin color, smaller eyes, yellow stars, tattoos, head scarves, jewelry, the color of someone’s passport – have all been leveraged to convince people  that “everyone who looks human is not human.”

You don’t have to blindly accept everything and you don’t have to be manipulated by the “Box of ALL”.

Alarms should go off in every cell of your body when you hear that word in a conversation and see that word in print.

When those alarms are triggered:  Listen, research, and think.  Then challenge the narrative and help others see people instead of boxes.

“ Highly effective people tear off labels, kick open boxes, and bring people together.

Conversation Safari Workshops are designed to:

Help people challenge the narrative and while helping organizations engage people and grow.

Contact Chery to learn more 832-557-5327

Every human on the planet will be tempted by pride.

Behind that little word is a fire that has the power to destroy potential, character, callings, and lives.

Below are three critical things to remember, when pride woos you:

1. Your calling can become your idol if you let it

You were born with unique gifts and a big dream to serve others.

On your way to your big dream you may receive lots of positive feedback about what you are capable of, and your passion for your cause.

There is both sweetness and a danger in that praise:

• The sweetness comes with the affirmation that you were born for this.
• The danger comes when the positive press distracts you.

Distraction comes like a sudden craving. It is swift and subtle– and has the power to shift the focus of even the most humble and sincere.

In a flash, the hunger for more praise can become the driving reason you act. And as you feed that craving it consumes you. Making you less and less qualified and able to serve.

Ultimately replacing the people and the cause you care about with yourself.

“ When pride comes, then comes disgrace. —PROVERBS

2. Heed the wisdom of truth speakers

As you work to make your dream a reality you will meet people who believe in you, your potential and your vision.

Some of those people will also be able to see gaps in your skills, your choices or your character. (I know that’s uncomfortable. But you’re human and gaps are a part of the gig, so grit up and keep reading.)

If someone has the courage to speak to you about those gaps – consider:

• Have they taken the time to share this with you, because they believe you are worth investing in?
• What are you risking if you don’t carefully consider what they are sharing?
• What will you gain if you accept their coaching?

“ The one that hears correction, possesses wisdom. —PROVERBS

3. Protect yourself with a “strategic sandwich”

Imagine that you play professional football for a living.

• If you won game, after game, after game and everyone was praising your uncommon ability.  Would you be tempted, even a little bit, to believe the press you are getting?
• If you played a critical game terribly and received tons of negative press   Would you struggle, to recover?

When Tim Tebow was playing for the NFL, he protected his character from the dangers of pride with a “strategic sandwich” that would help him stay focused on the mission and on others when he was most vulnerable to the temptation of pride.

Tim started a foundation for critically ill children and would spend time before and after each game with children that had life threatening illnesses and their families.    

• Before he walked on the field to play a game he was reminded how precious life was, what a blessing it is to have the love and support of a family, and how much he had to be thankful for.
• When each game ended, no matter how he played, no matter how the team played, he was reminded again of all that he had been given.
• His time with those children and their families, helped him stay humble by keeping his focus on others instead of on himself.
• And each time he stepped onto the field, he would kneel to give thanks to the one that gave it all to him.

If you live your life as if everything is about you… You will be left with just that.  Just you.  -Toby Mac

How do you protect yourself from the woo of pride?

A brilliant woman that has been actively serving her community for years – is well known and highly regarded. In spite of that, she will occasionally admit that she struggles with imposter syndrome.

Another woman has chosen to share many of her golden years volunteering in several political roles. She is quick to emphasize how little she knew about politics when she got involved, and how much more she has to learn. In spite of all she doesn’t know, she is often surprised when people all across her state know her name and are recognizing her knowledge and contributions.

Here’s what both ladies don’t realize:

• It is their curiosity that continually fuels their learning.
• And as their knowledge continues to increase they are sharing passion and information with skill AND humility – a combination that earns both of them great respect while inspiring others.

There’s this basic circuit in the brain that energizes people to go out and get things that are intrinsically rewarding,  this circuit lights up when we get money, or candy. It also lights up when we’re curious.  –Dr. Charan Ranganath

On the flip side of being curious there are those that think they know all they need to know and have stopped exploring.

They are:

• Titled leaders that smell smoke within their organizations – but fail to follow it to the source.
• Those that form an opinion and refuse to consider another perspective. (Even if their opinions are based on a lifetime of what they’ve always done instead of on new information, trends or markets.)
• Leaders of companies that continue to lay people off – year after year after year.
• People that forward images and headlines on Social Media without reading the articles or investigating alternate sources of information – while expressing concern about the division in our world.

“ Strangely, being someone who ‘knows’ can interfere with being someone who ‘learns’. —MATTHEW D. LIEBERMAN PH.D.

Read more.

Those that prioritize curiosity over knowledge:

1. Have more fun
2. Seek the truth
3. Confront brutal facts
4. Learn faster
5. Acquire more knowledge
6. Are more humble
7. Build stronger relationships
8. Uncover root causes
9. Solve bigger problems
10. Make a greater difference

“ The humble keep their notebooks open, because they believe they can learn something from everyone. —CAREY NIEUWHOF

Read more.

How about you…

• Have you ever allowed your knowledge to kill your curiosity?
• How did that impact your joy, learning, relationships, growth or impact?
• Is it time to make a change?

Viktor Frankl survived a concentration camp and said this…

Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.

Post Charlottesville conflict continues to fill the airwaves and cyberspace, encouraging chaos and division.

…So how have you been responding?  Are you:

1. Denying that this conflict is impacting real lives, workplaces and communities?
2. Pushing your perspective on others?
3. Sitting in silence and worrying about it?
4. Studying the issues, and then carrying your candle into the darkness, determined to be a part of the solution?

IF YOU SEEK TO BE A PART OF THE SOLUTION:

The process below will help you fully leverage your freedom, while strategically using both your mind and your heart.

Seek FIRST to UNDERSTAND:

1. Your perception and my perception don’t have to be the same to be real to each one of us.
2. You’re NOT listening to someone if you respond by saying,  “It wasn’t me.” – Or – “Look – they are just as bad.”

“ A wise man will hear and increase learning. -Proverbs

CHOOSE COMPASSION:

Sit with those you don’t understand or agree with and listen. Use your ears and your heart, honoring the experiences that are driving their emotions.

1. How old are they?
2. Where have they lived and traveled?
3. How have they personally experienced hate? – Or – How have they been taught to hate?
4. How many years have they been experiencing hate? – Or – Been focused on hateful propaganda?
5. How long does it take you to forgive intentional hate? – Or – Consider a new perspective?

Now let everything they shared soak in.

Did you hear anything you had not considered before? How has your knowledge, compassion and understanding increased?

THINK CRITICALLY:

Deeply consider current events and historical facts.

1. As you review current publications – Are you reading and considering all sides to a story? Are you mindful of specific examples throughout history – where evil people manipulated violence and death to spin the narrative and control the outcome?  Do you identify false news – especially when it is saying what you want to believe or are you being manipulated?
2. If you are struggling with hate speech – Have you ever considered why we have freedom of speech?  How do you use your freedom of speech? Do you know what it is like to live where speaking what you believe is restricted? Have you studied what has happened in countries where this freedom has been taken away? Can you separate hateful speech from hateful acts?
3. When preserving history is important to you – Will you review how history has been preserved in your community? Is the whole story being told about the imperfect humans from different races that shaped our country? …Or are there better ways to do this?

NOW CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSE:

Don’t be surprised if you learn something that softens your heart, or alters your thinking.  Slightly or significantly.  You are growing.

Your brain is  wired to learn. So whatever you think stirs your emotions. Those emotions then direct your behavior and ultimately create your results.

THEN LOOK FOR LIGHT AND SHARE IT:    

Now focus on discovering and sharing how people are communicating, working together and finding solutions –  by doing so, you are sharing vision, offering hope, and generating more light.

One candle illuminates the darkness.

One person can make a difference.

Be that one.

I have used this process with many divisive issues.  Each time has led to a different result.

• Sometimes I started on an uninformed fence, and ended up with an informed opinion.
• Other times, I started in one place, and ended in another.
• And in other situations, my heart has softened greatly toward those that hold a different opinion, even though my mind still holds many of my original views.

If you decide to continue reading below, I will share where this issue has taken me.  

My objective is NOT for you to agree with me.  Instead I want to: 

• Emphasize the importance of leveraging our uncommon freedom – to listen, think, speak, collaborate, learn and problem solve.
• Spotlight the wisdom that comes from strategically balancing the use of both your heart and your brain when these issues arise.

 I’d love to hear from you as you work this process: Where did you start? What are you learning? How are you sharing those learning’s with others?

When New Orleans considered removing Confederate statues:

• I thought of the way the Nazis controlled what people learned – so that they could manipulate what people thought and how they would respond.  As a result, my immediate reaction was that we can’t learn from erased and sanitized history – therefore it would be dangerous and unwise to remove statues.

MY HISTORICAL FILTERS:

I was raised in a state that is 90% white and although I was not surrounded by diversity, I was taught to love my neighbor as myself.

As a child I raged about slavery and racism – but viewed it all as historical.  Almost as if someone had waved a magic wand and suddenly racism disappeared.  (Not at all logical, but what my heart wanted to believe.)

SEEKING FIRST TO UNDERSTAND and CHOOSING COMPASSION:

As an adult I moved to a southern state, and new friends helped me understand that when they were children it was illegal for them to:

1. Use a toilet or to drink from a fountain for white people
2. Eat in particular restaurants and limited seating in other restaurants
3. Attend school with white children
4. Marry a white person
5. Vote

LEARNING: My friends have scars from years of their lives – living what I have only imagined.

A few years later I moved to another southern state and discovered that one of my black friends was afraid to go to a neighboring city in the daylight because the KKK is still terrorizing people there. A few weeks later, a white friend shared that when he moved to the area from another state that he had invited black friends to his home and the KKK warned him not to do it again.

LEARNING: Some of my friends are still living – what I have only imagined.  

Most recently, I spent 4 years living overseas. During that time I lived near and worked with people from more than 50 nations in our world. And deeply treasured our conversations, sharing food, traditions, and learning about each other.

Although most of my experiences were filled with great love and are deeply cherished, I consistently witnessed people from one nation bullying and manipulating people from multiple nations, races and religions.  In each of those moments, I was faced with the choice to believe that every single person from that nation is evil, or to look for the good. I chose the latter. At first I was only able to count 5% of the people I knew from that nation as compassionate, caring and trustworthy. With focused effort that percentage increased to 25%.

LEARNING: If the majority the interactions I had with people of a particular race, nationality or uniform throughout my entire lifetime were negative – Could I still make the hard choice to continue to look for the ones that aren’t like that? Or would I be even a little bit tempted to make the easy assumption that all of them are bad?

THINKING CRITICALLY:

As I explored all sides of this issue I was greatly influenced by a speech given by Mitch Landrieu, the Mayor of New Orleans about why he was removing the statues. It is important to note that I didn’t expect Mitch’s speech to impact my thinking.  I thought he would offer some lame excuse for removing the statues. But his logic resonated. This is some of what he said…

New Orleans is truly a city of many nations, a melting pot, a bubbling caldron of many cultures. There is no other place quite like it in the world that so eloquently exemplifies the uniquely American motto: e pluribus unum — out of many we are one. But there are also other truths about our city that we must confront. New Orleans was America’s largest slave market: a port where hundreds of thousands of souls were bought, sold and shipped up the Mississippi River to lives of forced labor of misery of rape, of torture. America was the place where nearly 4000 of our fellow citizens were lynched, 540 alone in Louisiana; where the courts enshrined ‘separate but equal’; where Freedom riders coming to New Orleans were beaten to a bloody pulp. So when people say to me that the monuments in question are history, well what I just described is real history as well, and it is the searing truth.

And it immediately begs the questions, why there are no slave ship monuments, no prominent markers on public land to remember the lynchings or the slave blocks; nothing to remember this long chapter of our lives; the pain, the sacrifice, the shame… all of it happening on the soil of New Orleans. So for those self-appointed defenders of history and the monuments, they are eerily silent on what amounts to this historical malfeasance, a lie by omission. There is a difference between remembrance of history and reverence of it.

For America and New Orleans, it has been a long, winding road, marked by great tragedy and great triumph. But we cannot be afraid of our truth. As President George W. Bush said at the dedication ceremony for the National Museum of African American History & Culture, “A great nation does not hide its history. It faces its flaws and corrects them.

…Consider these monuments from the perspective of an African American mother or father trying to explain to their fifth grade daughter who Robert E. Lee is and why he stands atop of our beautiful city. Can you do it? Can you look into that young girl’s eyes and convince her that Robert E. Lee is there to encourage her? Do you think she will feel inspired and hopeful by that story? Do these monuments help her see a future with limitless potential? Have you ever thought that if her potential is limited, yours and mine are too? We all know the answer to these very simple questions. When you look into this child’s eyes is the moment when the searing truth comes into focus for us.”

As I pondered his comments, I thought about Holocaust Museums that include the star that every Jew had to wear and Nazi uniforms, flags, and propaganda that helped Hitler promote his agenda. None of it is sanitized, but it is placed in context so we can all learn from it without honoring evil.

Further reading uncovered additional perspectives that have provided more food for thought:

1. Thomas Tappan Thompson the designer of the Confederate flag wrote several editorials about his design,  “As a people, we are fighting to maintain the Heaven-ordained supremacy of the white man over the inferior or colored race; a white flag would thus be emblematical of our cause.”
2. General Robert E. Lee actively discouraged memorializing the confederacy, “I think it wiser,” the retired military leader wrote about a proposed Gettysburg memorial in 1869, “…not to keep open the sores of war but to follow the examples of those nations who endeavored to obliterate the marks of civil strife, to commit to oblivion the feelings engendered.”
3. In Germany there are no statues to honor Nazi leaders and it is illegal to fly the Nazi flag unless it is for historical or film purposes.

CHOOSING MY RESPONSE:

People matter: Red, yellow, black or white. ALL are created by God and precious in His sight. ALL are my neighbors. And ALL make our world richer. Racism and hate don’t belong our multi-cultural country or in our world. So I will stand against it will every cell in my body.

The whole truth matters: There is a way to tell the story of strategic minds, and people who fought causes that they believed were honorable – while emphasizing that it is a failed caused, and that the oppression of others is evil. That story gets richer and more valuable when we are equally devoted to sharing the stories of those that were oppressed, those that fought for freedom, and how all cultures and races impacted our nation.

We can do better.

“ Solutions are found when we seek the whole truth and love.

Image Credits:  Fotolia, iStock

Titled leaders and employees are happier and more successful when they learn how to have discussions that include deep listening and truth telling.   A failure to do either one equals missed opportunities for learning and growth.  (This is also true for family and community members.)

As a result,  I’ve been encouraging listening, thinking, and dialogue with increasing frequency and leveraging current events as examples of how we can do this.

As you watch the news, are you ever so aware of the pain and the division in our world that it is hard to think about anything else?  

Recently in my home country:  

• A woman was set on fire because of her faith.
• Two other women were punched because of their faith.
• Bombs were set off and people were stabbed for their faith.
• A man was killed because of the color of his skin.
• Several men were killed because of the uniform they wear.

Some have responded with fear and hate for everyone that is not like them. 

Others deny that any problem exists and encourage blind acceptance.  

Do we really have only two options???

What if you learned to walk through those fears to seek truth and understanding?

What if you sat at a table with people that aren’t the same color as you, don’t have the same religion as you, don’t wear the same uniform as you and actually talked about the things you are concerned about?  

The goal is NOT to win or to convince someone of your point of view.

The objective IS to:

• Consider another perspective
• Deepen your understanding
• Give you a reason to read more about both sides of the issue
• Have more discussions

If you are not sure how to get started, the discussion starters below are a good place to begin:  

• How do you experience racism today?
• Is there any one term that everyone agrees with that is an acceptable descriptive word for people of color?
• How do you know if someone’s intention is hateful or earnest desire to find the right descriptive word?
• Please share your experiences and emotions on days that terrorist attacks are committed:
  • As a citizen:  In the country it happened and/or in another country observing it from afar
  • As a member of the faith community:  That was attacked and/or as a member of the same faith as the attackers

“ Peacemakers: Balance Truth with Love

The more I do this, the more I discover how hungry people are for these types of conversations…

These are some of the takeaways from discussions that are taking place in living rooms and over lunch tables:

• Racism isn’t always open and in your face, sometimes it is as subtle as sexual harassment. You may know in your gut that is the intention but sometimes it is hard to define.
• Negative past experiences with a particular word or a particular “group” of people makes it challenging for us to hear that word or to engage with that group of people again.
• We all want to be safe and we all experience fear.  Some fear of being the victim.  While others fear being persecuted because of the hateful actions of others that just happen to look like them.  (Skin color, uniform, or religion.)

In spite of the urban legend that it is unwise to talk about some of these topics…

• These discussions have not ended in energy sapping behaviors.  There has been no shouting at those who disagree and no venting to those that do agree.  Instead, the people that have engaged in this process are anticipating a discovery, sharing their curiosity, listening with compassion, pondering deep learning’s, building relationships and leaving these discussions with great energy and hope.

On October 4th we’re launching Conversation Safaris on our International Compound to encourage these kinds of discussions between people from more than 40 nations and a variety of faith backgrounds.

Would you like to join us?  You can start Conversations Safaris in your living room, your dining room table, or at a larger venue in your community.  If you need help getting started.  Please email your questions to chery@consultgiana.com.

As the news about Orlando, and yet another hate crime swirls around us….

What are you seeing? What are you hearing? What are you pondering? What are you praying for?

Typically after events like this I invest major amounts of energy reading the news and contemplating the opinions and the blame game that follows.

This time, started like the others:

• People began to express shock, sympathy, anger and fear.
• A mother of a gay man posted supportive messages to the Orlando community.
• A gay friend changed his personal profile picture to reflect how deeply he relates to their pain.
• Several friends posted anti-gun messages. Others rushed to defend their rights.
• Some forwarded political responses. Others dissected those responses.
• Some forwarded articles about Jihad. While others were quick to defend Islam.

Not one of these reactions stands alone – each one is a piece of a giant puzzle.

…A puzzle we won’t solve unless we are willing to examine each one and look at the picture they create when all the pieces are in place.

“ Real change, not the politically correct version, is built upon seeking the truth. —MIKE MYATT

These are the emotions and the thoughts that I am filled with as the puzzle is coming together:

1. Deep sadness for the people that were there, and for their families and friends.
2. Thoughts of those throughout our world that have experienced similar things.
3. Empathy for LGBT friends and their loved ones.
4. Love for many of my neighbors that are Muslim, as my mind replays a recent conversation with one of them about what she has personally experienced after major attacks took place.
5. Recognition that ISIS wants to leverage hate to divide people, while pondering the data an award-winning Muslim journalist has shared about Radical Islam.
6. Remembering why the right to bear arms was built into our constitution and considering how gun laws work and don’t work.
7. Knowing that:

• Hate-filled hearts will always find ways to commit evil.
• Low-trust and our willingness to consider other perspectives impact our ability to problem-solve.
• Truth, love and standing together will cast out fear.

Whew that puzzle made it difficult to sleep that night and took me to my knees in prayer for:

• For truth-seekers.
• For eyes that see and ears that hear.
• For wisdom.
• For collaboration, ownership and real problem-solving.
• For healing.

“ We can’t solve problems with the same kind of thinking that created them.

24 Hours after those prayers began, I started to witness something that that gives me great hope.

Several conversations that began with one person sharing their concerns and opinions on social media and others responding with alternate perspectives.  But instead of the typical “my way or the highway” debate – people were responding respectfully!  

• Real dialog instead of finger-pointing.
• Trust building instead of word-grenades.
• Real people making an effort to be a part of the solution instead of arguing so hard for their version of what that looks like.
• A few light-hearted moments.
• And some collaborative brainstorming.

I didn’t see it on one person’s feed. I saw unconnected friends starting unrelated dialogs. People that lean in opposite directions but care greatly for the greater good, each one starting from where they are but engaging with and listening to others.

I got so excited that I could not go back to sleep.

• THIS is how problems get solved.
• THIS is what our world needs more of.

And it’s beginning to happen…

The smartest people I know are the most willing to change their minds. They don’t want to be right, they want the right outcome-they want to learn, grow, develop and mature.  -MikeMyatt

I DARE YOU to start and/or engage in some of those uncomfortable conversations:

• Be 100% respectful.
• Do some research.
• Share data.
• Then consider the stories, research and perspectives of others.
• And start to imagine what could be…

I become an agent of change, only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong.  Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to re-energize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning.  I need to put time and effort into building relationships. –The Anatomy of Peace Book

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If you really want to be an agent of change, and need help getting started:

This blog post includes a video with a true story about how much change is possible when we start with the only people we control…  Ourselves.

• Reflections about understanding racism.
• Reflections about police shootings.
• Reflections about hate, lessons from history.

Image credits:  Grace Whitney Harrington and iStock

I’ve been working with a group of pre and early teens and we’ve been talking about perceptions and reality. In our last meeting, I asked if they have ever greeted someone and not been greeted in return. Emphatically – yes!

So I broke them up into small groups and asked them to come up with a list of at least 15 reasons why someone they greeted would not respond.

At first they listed things like this:

• They hate me
• They are mean
• They are rude
• They are a bully
• They are racist

It took awhile for them to start coming up with reasons like this:

• They are deaf
• They are listening to headphones
• They have a disability
• They are on the telephone
• They didn’t hear me
• They don’t speak the same language as me
• They are shy

These were things they didn’t consider:

• They are thinking about something and not paying attention
• They are depressed
• They are angry about something

As our discussion unfolded, I shared two stories about adults in our international compound that have had this experience:

• Both struggled to keep greeting someone that was not responding.
• But both kept at it and eventually got consistent responses, and in one case those repeated greetings led to a delightful conversation.

“ People never experience a connection by assuming the worst.

It is easy to misinterpret someone else’s actions, to assume the worst and to quit trying.  And fascinating to consider that most of us would keep at it, if we knew the other person:

• Were deaf or could not speak our language – we’d wave or maybe learn to sign or greet them in their native tongue.
• Had a special need – we’d find a new way to engage.
• Was having a bad day – we’d give them grace and try again.

So what if… They have a negative perception about people of your race or your religion?

• Do you lose anything by greeting them anyway?
• And what if… Your continued kindness challenges their beliefs and changes their behavior?

Now here’s the zinger: The point of this exercise is NOT connection.

It is about developing the critical life skill of problem solving.

Far too often, we make decisions based on how we feel, or what we think we know, instead of really understanding what is happening.

And those uninformed decisions:

1. Waste time
2. Sapp energy
3. Increase division
4. Make it more challenging to get to the root of the problem
5. Impact our lives, relationships, workplaces, communities and our future

“ Problems are never solved by assumptions. Only deep understanding drives change.

We all benefit from deep dives that examine multiple perspectives.

Please share:

• When have you made a false assumption?
• What was the impact?
• What did you learn?

Want more?  Below are several real examples of how assumptions have impacted problem solving and organizational growth:

• Small Business
• Social Services and Higher Ed
• Multiple Organizations

The inspirational video below highlights the impact this process has on individuals.

Image Credit:  iStock

When my husband said we were asked to move to a giant sandbox on the other side of the world my stomach churned so hard I had to sit down.

How was this possible?  We said we would go ANYWHERE in the world except – THERE!  Scenes from movies and the news melded with my own fears and questions were fired off so rapidly my husband could not reply.

A “yes” wasn’t possible if I could not change my thinking:

• From the losses to the possible gains.
• From the challenges to the possible opportunities.
• From fear to faith.

One of the possible opportunities was living in a diverse compound filled with people from other parts of the world and learning from each other.  (I had no idea at that time how diverse – Our little compound hosts people from more than 30 different nations.)

The vision of celebrating our differences was so motivating to me – that I unconsciously began to assume that everyone who had relocated here, had the same focus.

The reality is that some people shared that vision or have acquired it along the way. However…

• For some, moving anywhere away from home is torture – let alone adding the element of extreme culture shock.
• Others can accept a new location depending on where it is.
• Some are simply too busy with the details to focus on possible gains.  (Getting children moved, in school and settled, navigating a new health care system…)
• Others are trying to provide emotional support to family on the other side of the world while adjusting to life here.
• And a significant number are navigating most of this alone – as their husbands are on worksites or traveling for a majority of the month.

So when normal cultural misunderstandings occur in our compound – The people involved are already under loads of stress.   In those moments, previous perceptions fuel behavior that is less than ideal – and the responses are swift, judgmental and lingering.  When that happens, I am reminded that we are a snapshot of the daily challenges in our world.

“ We end up gathering with allies – actual, perceived, or potential – as a way of feeling justified in our own accusing views of others. As a result of this fact, conflicts try to spread. So what begins as a conflict between two people spreads to a conflict between many as each person enlists others to his or her side. Everyone begins acting in ways that invite more of the very problem from the other side that each is complaining about. —ANATOMY OF PEACE BOOK

In the three years we’ve lived here, I’ve heard people say phrases like these more times than I’ve heard them in my entire life:

• I hate ___________ (insert any nationality).
• We all hate _________ (insert any nationality).
• Those ________ (insert any nationality or religious group).
• I’m not racist but __________.

So now when I watch the news and my social media feeds – I keep seeing what is lost in the great divide between “Us” and “Them”:

Each one of those losses continues to impact families, workplaces, communities, nations and our world…  

We don’t have to passively watch as it happens.  Each one of us can make the choice to break the cycle of division and help healing begin.

I recently shared how inspired I was when I watched a police officer named Chip Huth share how he and his department were transformed when they learned to see people instead of seeing problems.  And how his TEDx talk introduced me to the Anatomy of Peace Book.

This month a group of ladies from several different nations on our compound, will be reading the book and then getting back together to discuss it.

We’re seizing the opportunity to learn and grow in ways we can’t imagine yet.

• Imagine what would happen if each one of us found ways to alter our thinking and behavior just a little…
• Imagine the difference we could make if we planted more seeds of understanding and peace right where we are…
• Imagine what could happen if more people read the book and would have similar discussions…
• Imagine the impact we could have on the world if we took those skills with us to our next locations and back to our own nations…

“ I become an agent of change, only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong. Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to re-energize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning. I need to put time and effort into building relationships. —ANATOMY OF PEACE BOOK

PLEASE SHARE:  Have you considered how you can plant seeds that heal division?  What are you doing to create unity?

Want more ideas about how you can be an agent of change in a world that needs healing? 

Check out the links below:  

• Stop attacking the character of others in order to refute his or her ideas.
• In the Face of Terrorism, Why it’s More Important Than Ever to Travel.
• The difference between Debating and Discussing.

The first two articles in this series are linked here:

• Benefits of Learning from Those Who Think Differently
• Opinions Anonymous:  For recovering opinionistas that are tired of division

Image Credit:  Pixabay

In 1999 I read Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People for the first time.  One of the stories in that book that captured my attention was about David Lilienthal, a man that was commissioned to head the new Atomic Energy Commission.

He brought together a very diverse bunch of influential individuals. And although they had a huge agenda and the press was pushing them for results he believed that efficiency was not the first priority – synergy was. So he wisely invested time facilitating relationship building, causing them to deeply understand each other’s history, goals, passions, and perspectives and transforming a group of individuals into a passionate team.

This is how Stephen Covey describes the result: “The respect among the members of the commission was so high that if there was disagreement, instead of opposition and defense, there was a genuine effort to understand.  The attitude was, “If a person of your intelligence and competence and commitment disagrees with me, then there must be something to your disagreement that I don’t understand, and I need to understand it.  You have a perspective, a frame of reference I need to look at.”  

Since the time that I first read that book I have carried that story in my soul,always remembering the impact that real relationships had on very diverse and very powerful people.

I’m sharing this story with you to emphasize that seeking to understand and dialog with those that are strongly opposed to your convictions is not a fluffy fairy tale.

[Tweet “You don’t need Pixie Dust to learn from those that think differently!”]

Highly intelligent and highly effective people that have taken the time to do this have developed incredible relationships, gained amazing perspectives, grown personally and professionally and made wiser decisions as a result of their shared knowledge and collaboration.

So my challenge to you continues… Will you dare to seek out those that hold wildly different views and seek to understand them and dialog with them?

• I’m doing it too! And will share in my next post, one of the things I’m doing and what I’m learning.

In the meantime, follow this link to read about the uncommon friendship and deep respect that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg shared with Justice Scalia before his recent death. And see how their relationship impacted her professionally.

If you don’t engage those who hold dissenting opinions and viewpoints in candid and open discussions, you will struggle in developing to your true intellectual potential. Mike Myatt

Check out part III in the series here:  Breaking the Cycle of Division – Unity Begins with You!