For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

We recently purchased a new home and immediately started adding to the garage.

The day the bricklayers came to add brick to the addition, something didn’t seem quite right…

I looked at it, thought it must be my eyes and walked away.

Then I turned around and came back out, looked at it again and it still didn’t seem quite right.

So I took a picture and then I was sure!

I forwarded the picture below to a few friends and didn’t tell them what to look for and just asked them what they saw.

Most of them saw it too…

Do you see it?

The new brick on the left side of this picture clearly does not match the brick on the house!

It could be redone, so not the end of the world right?

Except everything that needed to happen next was hinging on the brick being done. If the brick was not completed now– there would be a massive domino effect and we’d miss our targeted completion date. And then more domino’s would fall.  As I imagined the impact of each one falling, my adrenaline soared.

Trying to understand what happened, I imagined multiple scenarios:   

1. Did the contractor order the wrong brick?
   • They said no. They were certain they ordered correctly.
2. Did the brick company supply the wrong brick?
   • They said no. They were certain they supplied correctly.

…Except everyone agreed that it didn’t look right.

3. Even if the brick on the house had faded, it was still darker than the new brick. So that didn’t explain anything.

But wait a minute the brick in stacks, that were not on the house yet – did match the house.

4. So maybe the factory mislabeled one stack of the brick – and that just happened to be the stack that went on the back of the addition?

And then we washed the brick.  And guess what? It was indeed the right brick.

And now my brick wall will forever be a reminder that there will be times when:

1.  The truth is camouflaged.  

• I’ve met more than one executive that could not see the truth about the behavior of those closest to them – even when others tried repeatedly to tell them.
• In the book Picking Cotton, Jennifer Thompson Cannino and Ronald Cotton tell the story of her rape, and his false conviction. Because of what the truth “appeared” to be.  Ronald’s build and facial features were similar to those of the actual rapist.  So it was easier for everyone to believe it was him, than to spend more time thoroughly investigating all possibilities.

2.   We need to breathe first, take our time and examine the issue from every angle. 

• Companies have collapsed when titled leaders have been unwilling to dig into issues that took time, and made them uncomfortable.
• Individuals have been falsely accused and imprisoned because broken systems and those in power would not allow a DNA test to be performed.
• Entire groups of people have been treated as if they are less than human because of widely spread urban legends that are believed instead of being investigated.
• Innocent people in our society and in politics are often victimized because it is easier to believe the thing we fear.  And so much harder to dig deeper.

When something interrupts what we expect, we need to ask ourselves what matters more: The truth, our comfort or our ego? And then be willing to consider the possibility that we might be wrong and do a bit more research.

“ When truth is camouflaged:  Innocent people are victimized and others are duped.

“ When the truth is camouflaged:  Smaller issues become big ones.

3.  We should own our mistakes, apologize if necessary, learn from it and move on.

• Sometimes humble pie serves as reminder not to assume the worst about a situation or the outcome. Encouraging us to remember to dig deeper and to control our own thinking and behavior while we are digging.

Please share: Have you ever been 100% sure that you were right – and then discovered that you were wrong?  What did you learn?

Have you ever:

• Participated in conversations about the behavior of certain titled leaders?
• Expressed frustration at situations that seem corrupt, not in line with core values or unfair?
• Wondered why opportunities to problem solve and improve the future were not taken?

Have you ever spoken these words, “Why doesn’t “someone” do something?”  

When the change you want to see isn’t happening “out there”… 

“ What if, YOU are “the someone” that everyone is waiting for?

Below are 21 Reasons that it might be time for YOU to Take Action:

AT WORK – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Decrease silos
2. Increase employee engagement and retention
3. Increase customer satisfaction
4. Reduce expenses
5. Reduce risk
6. Limit layoffs
7. Increase profit

IN YOUR COMMUNITY – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Build stronger relationships
2. Work together on a shared vision
3. Increase involvement
4. Communicate more effectively
5. Improve the quality of life
6. Increase safety
7. Create a stronger future

IN YOUR NATION – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Increase ownership
2. Improve accountability
3. Improve collaboration
4. Grow trust
5. Decrease inefficiency and waste
6. Improve results
7. Make the vision a reality

If you see any of those opportunities.  If you’ve ever said those words.  Who are you waiting for? 

Yes it takes courage to lead up, but…

“ If not YOU, then WHO? #LeadChange

I am convinced that most of the answers workplaces, communities and nations are seeking today are lying dormant inside of their employees, customer and suppliers. …Just waiting to be discovered and unleashed.

Learn More About Leading Up Here

A friend recently had an appointment with a doctor. The doctor started to prescribe medicine to treat the symptoms of a gut issue.

So the patient advocated for herself. She reminded the doctor that she has additional medical issues that are bigger than the gut issue. She has osteoporosis and needs a stronger skeletal system and this medicine will make her bones weaker.

The doctor heard her concern and thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess you need to look at the whole picture.”

“ When we treat the symptoms of one part we can actually increase the problems for other parts.

At work and in our world is easy to focus on one piece of the puzzle:

• What is happening right now
• The goals that are not being met
• How we are being impacted
• The things we fear
• The causes we care about

“ When we seek first to understand we begin to see the other pieces of the puzzle.

The piece versus the whole:

Firing that long-term formerly high-performing employee. But not evaluating what has changed or what could be done about it.

Setting individual performance goals for employees that conflict with company objectives. But not evaluating why either the people or the company continually miss the mark.

Asking industry leaders to attend an advisory meeting so your school can continue to be accredited.   But telling them what you do, instead of asking for them what they need you to be teaching.

Spending millions of dollars to create a new program for your company without promoting the benefits of this new program to your sales team or your customers. But when sales goals aren’t achieved, that program is thrown out the window instead of leveraging it as the competitive edge that it is.

Arguing about if it is ok to kneel during the national anthem or not. …But not talking about how we work together to continue to close the gap between our country’s vision and our reality.

Debating compassion for future refugees versus national security as if they are the only pieces in the puzzle. But not investing that same level of energy to examine how current immigrants receive support and direction.  Resulting in missed opportunities to collaborate and accomplish both goals while helping people fall in love with their new home.

“ It is much more effective to examine the whole picture before we begin prescribing solutions.

Do you make decisions based on one or two pieces of a puzzle?  Or do you intentionally step back and examine the whole picture first?

Need help focusing on the whole picture?  Contact Chery to learn more.   

I walked around the corner and into the office. The moment I saw her, I knew I was going to employ her. A high performing employee had referred her.   She was professionally attired, already chatting with others on the team, and I knew that she had an impressive resume.

In spite of everything that looked so positive, I kept the interview consistent with all others. And not surprisingly, she soared through the first few questions.

And then I asked my favorite one. “What are your weaknesses?”

Her response, “I don’t have any.”

Wait, what? She didn’t really say that did she?

I rephrased the question.

She responded, “I used to be bad at public speaking, but I worked at that. I don’t have any other weaknesses.”

I redirected again. Looking for a signal that she knew that she was an imperfect human. That she was coachable. That she could play well on a team.

Negative. She said again that she had no weaknesses.

“ Would you have hired her?

You guessed it. I didn’t hire her.

…And for years, I’ve leveraged that experience to coach job seekers.

But you don’t have to be a job seeker to learn from that story.

Think for a minute about the issues in our world that you are focused on.

How many of the people involved have impressive resumes and look professional?

But in spite of their qualifications they:

• Can’t see or admit that they have weaknesses?
• Are unwilling hear or consider another perspective?

Imperfect humans that think they can do no wrong – fuel division and prevent problem solving.

Their egos don’t foster collaboration or solutions.

“ Our world needs leaders that know that they aren’t perfect.

We need people that listen deeply, knowing that others have witnessed, researched or considered something they haven’t.  Those are the ones that will be willing to work together to solve big issues.

What questions are you asking when you seek out, listen to, employ, promote, elect, and reelect people?

When was the last time you were in a conversation, and heard someone use the word “ALL” to describe the beliefs or behavior of an entire group of humans?

How many articles have filled your screens in the last week that emphasized all the reasons you should mistrust, disregard, or fear an entire group of people?

I’m deeply troubled about the volume of educated, intelligent, caring people that are having these conversations and sharing these articles and this is why…

Throughout history the word “ALL has been leveraged to:

1. Box and dehumanize entire groups of people
2. Fuel fear, judgment and anger
3. Shut down critical thinking
4. Increase distrust
5. Intensify division

“ Wise people don’t let others manipulate their thinking, behavior or results.

Today it is often being leveraged to convince you that “ALL“:

• ___  Executives are unwilling to receive feedback
• ___  Frontline employees are unwilling and unable to solve problems
• ___  Police Officers are unethical
• ___  Government offices are inefficient
• ___  Politicians are crooked
• ___  Home-schooled children are anti-social
• ___  Poor people are lazy
• ___  Wealthy people are selfish and greedy
• ___  Brown men are bad fathers
• ___  White men are racist
• ___  Saudi men are unwilling to support the dreams of their wives and daughters
• ___  Christians are hateful
• ___  Muslims are terrorists
• ___  Conservatives are racist
• ___  Liberals want to destroy your nation
• __________________________(Fill in the blank.)

What a list of word grenades! 

So why do we rage against being thrown into one of those boxes and labeled, and tossed aside?

And then judge ourselves by our intentions while failing to consider the intentions of others?

“ Sensible people listen to individuals and seek to understand.

Instead of just reading history, what if we LEARNED from it?

Propaganda has been used to impact thinking in every corner of the world, through all times.  Chains, paint, nakedness, skin color, smaller eyes, yellow stars, tattoos, head scarves, jewelry, the color of someone’s passport – have all been leveraged to convince people  that “everyone who looks human is not human.”

You don’t have to blindly accept everything and you don’t have to be manipulated by the “Box of ALL”.

Alarms should go off in every cell of your body when you hear that word in a conversation and see that word in print.

When those alarms are triggered:  Listen, research, and think.  Then challenge the narrative and help others see people instead of boxes.

“ Highly effective people tear off labels, kick open boxes, and bring people together.

Conversation Safari Workshops are designed to:

Help people challenge the narrative and while helping organizations engage people and grow.

Contact Chery to learn more 832-557-5327

We’ve all been there…

When our boss hires a friend:

• Then the friend leverages that relationship to charm their way out of responsibility and accountability.

When laws are created for the good of all:

• But certain groups are consistently exempt from the law.

When an executive relocates:

• And thinks company policy does not apply to him.

Inconsistency is unfair and confusing.  It creates stress, erodes trust, increases frustration, wears people out, decreases ownership and limits potential.

On the flip side of that, fairness:

1. Helps people feel heard, seen and considered
2. Tears down walls of self-protection
3. Encourages conversations
4. Increases understanding
5. Builds trust
6. Fuels collaboration
7. Unleashes energy and engagement
8. Creates positive change
9. Builds momentum
10. Maximizes results

A leader I’ve admired for many years received this feedback when he decided to run for a public office, “I have known him a long time and have done business with him on several occasions. I have to say he always treated me fair. I did not always get my way, but he always, treated me fair. …That’s just the way he is and how he does business, fair & square.”

“ That kind of fairness: Positively impacts people, problem solving and growth.

Yet so many leaders fail to cultivate fairness in their organizations.

Patrick Lencioni points out one very important reason why titled leaders often avoid simple but effective solutions:

..Simple solutions usually require discipline and hard work over time, while the sophisticated ones seem like shiny silver bullets, capable of making a problem go away in one innovative shot.

“ Fairness is hard work.

It requires focus, effort, consistency, and humility.

But the impact is worth the effort.

Have you ever made a strategic effort to be consistent, fair and explainable?

If not – why not make it your goal for the New Year?  (2018 will be very different from 2017 if you do!)

Got a Leadership Question – Contact Chery

Some people and organizations hate conflict.

They fear:

1. Discomfort
2. Disagreements
3. Judgmental words
4. Explosive behavior
5. Relationships struggling or ending

Then they allow that fear to drive their results!

• Some feel victimized by the past and hold so tightly to those emotions that they experience less joy and less productivity.
• Others have rumbling fires of anger burning about present issues. Occasionally smoke seeps out as they vent to those closest to them. As those fires continue to grow everyone is at risk of their eventual eruption.
• Some are unwilling to learn an alternative way of dealing with conflict.
• Others don’t realize there is an alternative.
• And none realize that their choice to wait for the other party to change, is spreading growth-eating bacteria throughout their organization.

“ Unresolved conflict does not go away. —DAVID ROTH

9 Ways that the fear of conflict kills and destroys:

1. The ability to consider the needs of others is replaced with “self” first
2. Comfort zones become more important than the mission
3. Small problems are unaddressed and become big ones
4. New opportunities are avoided
5. Collaboration decreases
6. Energy, engagement and hope fade
7. Growth declines
8. People leave
9. It becomes harder and harder to simply maintain

“ Fear of conflict is a growth-eating bacteria that kills and destroys.

Learning how to engage in healthy conflict:

1. Builds confidence while increasing compassion
2. Keeps the focus on the mission
3. Limits the growth of problems
4. Unleashes opportunities
5. Fosters collaboration
6. Generates energy, engagement and hope
7. Fuels growth
8. Entices people
9. Multiplies possibilities and creates a stronger future

While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, a marriage, or a life, any single conversation can.  -Susan Scott

Want to learn how to have healthy conflict?   Check out the resources below:

1. Silos, Politics and Turf Wars
2. The Anatomy of Peace Book
3. Peacemakers Study
4. Fierce Conversations

Want to experience healthy and productive conflict?

A Conversation Safari is a workshop that merges the spirit and adventure of a real safari with an opportunity to dialogue with and learn from those that think differently than you do. …Helping you turn unaligned agendas & conflict into an adventure that fuels problem solving.

Conversation Safari’s are designed to help participants BALANCE the use of their brains AND their hearts. Resulting a dialogue that is fueled by critical thinking AND compassion.

Attendees leave with increased understanding, energy and hope.

Contact Chery to learn more about Conversation Safari’s.  

On Monday morning women from 9 different nations connected in an online Conversation Safari to explore the question… Are you being manipulated?

During that discussion, we talked about different kinds of manipulation.

1. Unintentional manipulation – like a guilt trip to get someone to do what you want him or her to do.
2. Intentional manipulation – when someone intentionally distorts facts for personal gain.
3. Intentional AND strategic manipulation – when someone strategically distorts facts, and creates disruption to accomplish a specific goal.

Most people on the call believe that intentional AND strategic manipulation happens more often than we realize.

A few days later I stumbled into a real life example of their point.

I was attending a public meeting and just before the meeting closed…

A woman took a seat in front of an elected official that has been manipulating facts and people.

As she spoke into the microphone, her statement shined a bright light on important details:

• First she quoted policy and reminded everyone in the room how disagreements and concerns were supposed to be handled.
• Then she listed specific dates and read exact quotes when this man had publically posted statements that were out of line with that policy.
• After reading each one of his quotes, she shared actual data from meeting minutes, and from emails that countered his false statements.

Her data made a huge impact:

• Filling in missing information that altered his stories completely.
• Supporting co-workers that he’d attacked.
• Effectively defending her own work.

She made each point with confidence, often looking up and making eye contact with the man that is used to intimidating others into silence.

As she spoke, his red face deepened in color.

His only verbal responses were to request a copy of what she read, and to ask if the meeting was over.

He made no attempt to explain or defend.  And provided no indication of shame, remorse or correction.

As women come together to stand against Weinstein’s abuse of power.  This one woman, was alone at the microphone.

Courageously standing against the behavior of  a titled leader that has been scheming to destroy truth, teamwork and individuals for his own gain.  

I don’t know what the future holds for that man, the people that work with him or the people that he was elected to serve.

But I do know this:  

“ Each of us has a responsibility to be truth detectives.

“ Check ALL the facts, and think critically.

“ Grit up and STAND for TRUTH!

-Regardless of the group you typically align yourself with.  

• (Loyalty to political party, religion, social network, co-workers, friends and even family –  should be second to TRUTH.)

Please share: Have you ever stood alone against a schemer?

If there is a schemer in your workplace, below are 9 tips to help you stand against and rise above their behavior.

You can be manipulated by:

• A boss, co-worker or an employee
• A family member or a friend
• An elected official or a dictator
• A religious authority
• The media or Hollywood

In our next Conversation Safari we will be discussing manipulation.  

Below are some of the questions and thoughts we will consider:

1. Have you ever been manipulated?  
2. By one person, a group of people or strangers?
   • “Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.” Eric Hoffer
3. When has it been unintentional? 
4. When has it been intentional?  (Maybe for personal gain without considering long-term consequences.)
5.  When has it been intentional AND strategic?  (To control people and results.)
   • Hitler believed that the skillful and unremitting use of propaganda could persuade people to believe that Heaven was Hell…
6. Do you always know when you are being manipulated? 
7. How is manipulation impacting your life and your environment?  
8. How do you respond when it happens?  
9. What can you do differently to discern when manipulation is happening and choose a wiser response?
   • “Belief can be manipulated. Only knowledge is dangerous.” ― Frank Herbert

Please share your thoughts about these questions and quotes in the comments.

After the Safari – I’ll share participant feedback in a new post on this blog.

TIP:  If you frequently lump everyone of a particular:

• Race
• Rationality
• Faith
• Political Party
• Uniform
• Position

…Into a single stereotype – You are failing to see them as people. -Anatomy of Peace Book

“ If you can’t see past the stereotype:  Has your thinking been manipulated?

You can change that and choose to become a truth detective: 

1. Take a break from the news, Hollywood, and the people you normally surround yourself with.
2. Dig deeper.  Read further.
3. Meet with others.  Listen first.  Then share your perspective.
4. Pray for discernment.
5. Share what you are learning.
6. Repeat the process.

“ A wise man will hear and increase learning. —PROVERBS