TODAY is the International Day of Peace!

This is the 4th article in a series to highlight what each of us can do to bring more peace to our world.

• The first three articles are linked at the bottom of this post.

I’m honored to include the post below from Jane Perdue, the CEO/Principal at Braithwaite Innovation Group, a friend and one of the co-author’s of the book, The Character-Based Leader…  Instigating A Leadership Revolution…  One Person at a Time.

I live in Charleston, South Carolina. In just a few days this past summer, my heart went from being broken by a senseless crime motivated by hate to being uplifted by people choosing to forgive, not fight or retaliate. Given my awe and respect at how my community handled this tragedy, Chery’s invitation to write about how leaders can limit division and create peace was incredibly serendipitous.

Retaliation and revenge are powerful motivators. We want to right the real or perceived wrong. Swiss researchers discovered that the mere act of contemplating revenge triggered the portion of our brain that processes rewards. No wonder there’s the concept that revenge is sweet. However, giving in to the negative feelings doesn’t end the matter. Behavioral scientists have found that indulging the desire to get even creates a cycle of retaliation that perpetuates the downward spiral of hostility and distrust. Payback doesn’t pay.

Ann Macaskill, professor at Sheffield Hallam University, explains how we think about revenge, “When individuals are attacked in some way that feels unjust, they go through three psychological stages: a shock phase, an adjustment phase and a reaction phase. In the reaction phase, they will either decide to forgive, hold a grudge but do nothing, or take or plot revenge. Those able to forgive rather than seek revenge are, it would seem, better developed than most.”

So how can we as leaders be “better developed” and do the wicked, hard work of rising above the desire to fight back? As much as I love the paradoxical “power of and,” I see the work of supplanting discord with tolerance and acceptance as an either/or scenario: either we surrender to intolerance, or we decide to create environments where people feel valued.

Intolerance isn’t acceptable; maximizing and leveraging differences is. To accept that different is merely different, not wrong, leaders must lead themselves. Leaders have to be self-aware enough to augment “me” with the power of “we.”

[Tweet “Leaders must lead themselves.”]

Turns out, making people feel valued, respected, and part of “we” is a foundational element for building tolerance and acceptance and for rejecting divisiveness. There’s an extraordinary snowball effect at play—people who feel respected are more likely to show respect, be tolerant, be willing to participate, and be less willing to punish or disparage others.

Tolerance is not the absence of prejudice but rather emphasizes forbearance and not begrudging other people their own ways. ~Maykel Verkuyten, professor Utrecht University

Behavioral scientists point to the existence of four conditions required for people to feel that they are treated fairly. People must:

1) Have the opportunity for real and meaningful participation. They want a voice and want to know that their voice matters.

2) Believe the decision making process is fair, open, and interactive. Stanford professor John Ousterhout notes, “If a collection of smart people all look at the same problem with the same information, and if they have the same goals, then they are likely to reach the same conclusion. A decision with strong consensus is more valuable than one without consensus: it is more likely to be right, and it is more likely to get implemented effectively because everyone believes in it.”

3) Have no doubt that they will be treated with dignity, and

4) Accept that those in authority are trustworthy.

If we’re willing to get out of our own way and let go of the “rightness” of our position, making these four conditions possible isn’t that difficult. Getting people meaningfully involved, treating them well, and conducting ourselves ethically is (should be) eminently doable. All we have to do is appreciate the validity of differing points of view.

“Peace does not mean an absence of conflicts; differences will always be there.  Peace means solving these differences through peaceful means; through dialogue, education, knowledge; and through humane ways.” ~Dalai Lama XIV

When leaders are self-aware and do these four things, we’re enabling ourselves—and others—to transcend finger pointing and friction, move past the limitations of who is right and who’s wrong, and to focus on the greater good.

The good we secure for ourselves is precarious and uncertain until it is secured for all of us and incorporated into our common life. ~Jane Addams, social worker

[Tweet “Ready to build peace by using the power of “we?””]

Check out the full series on Peace below:

• Leadership and Peacemaking and focused on the difference betwen Peacemakers, Peace FAKERS and Peace BREAKERS.
• One way YOU can create a more peaceful world.  (Really!)
• PEACE:  A Leadership Strategy, Not Pixie Dust!

Looking for inspiration about others that are modeling extreme peace?

• Ronald Cotton – Innocent but convicted of rape, served 11 years in prison.   Today he is free, at peace and a close friend of the victim and eye witness of the crime, Jennifer Thompson.  Together they travel and share their story to prevent others from being falsly convicted and to free those that have been.
• Police Officers that have learned to police PEOPLE not problems.
• An Israeli and Palestinian mother working together for uncommon peace.

The company invested a great deal of time and resources in the event, flying in the customers, planning the event, and entertaining them.

When the invitation was sent, the company said they wanted to better understand their customers’ needs and brainstorm ways to better meet them.

After the customers arrived, many were frustrated to discover that the company wasn’t really seeking to understand their needs at a higher level.  Instead the company was just asking for a rubber stamp on an action plan that had already been created.

A few short months later I began working with someone that consistently emphasized that great leadership is strategy.

At first, I saw this person share a big vision, arm people with the tools and the support they needed and then get out of their way.

However, as time passed I began to realize that this person often worked relationships to avoid dealing with their own weaknesses and to drive a personal agenda.

And I started to wonder…

[Tweet “Is strategy just a politically correct word for manipulation, or is there a difference?”]

This is what Webster has to say:

This is what I’ve got so far…  

The definition of manipulate emphasizes:

• Unfair
• To ONE’s Advantage
• To serve ONE’s purpose

While the definition of strategy emphasizes:

A SHARED goal that benefits a GROUP

Wow!  What a cool way to audit your own leadership and to help other leaders grow:

• If you are working towards a shared goal that benefits OTHERS it is a Strategy.
• If you are doing something to benefit YOURSELF it is Manipulation.

Please share:  What do those words stir up in you?  How do you discern the difference?  

Image credit:  iStock

Last week  I shared a post with my friends – including some of my expat neighbors, about the people from Iran that were arrested after they recorded their own “Happy” YouTube Video.

I shared it because I’ve been really caught up in the news in the past few weeks:

• News of mass abductions.
• News of a death sentence for a woman who married outside of her absent father’s faith, that will be executed once her baby is weened.
• News of others that have been arrested, beaten and jailed because of a stand they have taken.

I shared it because the longer I live as an expat in a land that operates in many of the same ways as Iran, the more I sense a silent pressure building between our little trips outside of this country.

I shared it because my heart hurt when I heard the story of young people trying to do something fun to celebrate the beauty of their country – only to come face to face with some of the reasons their land is often stereotyped.

I shared it because freedom is a core value of mine.  And a cause my family members have given years of their lives to.  (A cause they have been thanked for profusely, by those who have benefitted from their service.

Bottom line…  I shared it from my own perspective. 

My neighbor read it from her own heart and her own perspective. 

Each one of us brought our personal history and values and began commenting.   Before long we were engaged in a rich dialog about what freedom means.  (A discussion that has caused me to think deeply about  my core values, how I would rank them, when they are helpful  and should be acted on, and when they are disrespectful to others.)

Our social media conversation soon sparked the interest of others and expanded.

When the public discussion ended my neighbors and friends on the other side of the world had breathed life into a dream I shared in a SmartBlog post over a year ago.

A dream I imagine everytime I see people and organizations and countries engaged in divisive conflicts.

Think for a minute about a hot topic that is dividing people you love, an organization you support, or a community you live in.   

As soon as you’ve got it, imagine what would happen if…

• We would sit down at a table surrounded by diverse people and really listen?
• We allowed others to share their stories and convictions unapologetically and with passion?
• We left those conversations and examined our own hearts and motives?
• We dived into world history to learn from the past?
• We came back to the table to share what we’ve learned, deeply desiring to better understand?
• We would sit at that table and intentionally look fear (and some squiggly things) in the face and begin to turn each one of those rocks over?

Can you imagine what kind of creativity and energy we would unleash?

Or how many problems we could solve?

Or how many people we could bring together?

Those women just deepened my conviction that this dream is possible!

I invite you to share the dream with me…  And be The Change, You Want To See!  

Image credit:  iStock

1. Does it help us to visualize better?
2. Or does it hold more negative connotations instead of creating equality? Is it a form of discrimination?
3. Will it call attention to and single out individuals as more of a minority status? How can this be kind?

About a month ago I got a note from Jane Perdue with an invitation to write a guest post for her blog with these questions as thought starters…

Do you ever wonder what women, men and society need to do so that…

1. Women and persons of color are designated as a doctor, not “a woman doctor;” as a scientist, not “a Latino scientist,” etc.?
2. Special designations aren’t needed in announcements, e.g.:  the first woman to lead the federal reserve, the first female best director Academy Award winner, the first African American female flight crew, etc.?

I struggled with this topic for a month. I was so torn but my heart and most recent experiences led me to a very eye opening conclusion. One you may be surprised by.

Read more at: Braithwaite Innovation Group Why our world needs FIRSTS – LeadBIG

For me that list is easy.  They are the most thought-filled gifts and probably some of the least expensive ones I’ve been given.

1.  There is the Christmas stocking my parents purchased for me when I was four months old because they could not afford any other gifts.
2.  There is the memory of the first gift my husband ever purchased for me, after hearing about a song I loved.   (This is years before instant downloads, so he visited every music store possible looking for that tape and finally had to ask if a store had it.)  …It had just come in and had to be unpacked and priced before they could sell it to him.
3.  Then there’s a special collection of Hallmark tree ornaments, that remind my husband and I of a special memory from our dating years.  In order to purchase all four of them, he had to go to the mall every week for a month…

This year I am especially inspired by two expat families who are determined to make Christmas memories for their children in spite of the land that we live in.  For little cost, they have created memories that their family will cherish for years to come:

One named a plant Mohammed, created their own decorations, and turned that plant into their Christmas tree last year.   Their kids liked it so much that this year when they had the option of a more traditional tree, they wanted Mohammed!

The other is celebrating their first Christmas here with their 3-year old daughter.  They located boxes of different sizes, covered them in red and green tissue paper and stacked them in the shape of a tree, complete with a star on top.  …And then spent lots of time decorating each box.  The rest of their house has been decorated with just as much love, thought and innovation!

All of these stories remind me of my favorite episode of The Cosby Show.  It’s an episode where Cliff and his son-in-laws make a bet to see who can purchase the most impressive and romantic gift for their wives without exceeding a $25.00 limit.

• One gave his wife a single pearl, and vowed to keep buying her one every year until she could have the necklace she always wanted.
• Another made a time capsule with a handkerchief that included lipstick from their first kiss, and a flower from their wedding.
• Cliff told a story about a barrette that Clair wanted when they were first dating, and claimed that he tracked it down for her. Clair angrily responded that another girl liked the barrette – she actually wanted a green bracelet. …Only to open the box and find the bracelet!

Today in the final days before Christmas when people are at their busiest and feeling more stress than joy, remember:  

[Tweet ““It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” Mother Teresa “]

Merry Christmas To Each of You!  I Pray That You Experience The True Love Of This Season All Year Long!

Image Credit:  Jaynia Samaroo and iStock

“Social media is the first true listening platform, not speaking platform.”

This week I applied that reminder to all of my life – This is what I experienced:

1. Joy!  ~ Listening to my husband as he celebrated making progress at work and with our moving company! 
2. Their Fear!  ~ Listening to clients that are in the midst of change. 
3. Enthusiasm!  ~ Listening to my niece as she shared her excitement about a very special trip.
4. Deep Admiration!  ~ Listening to my sister as she shared an update on a huge estate auction that my parents coordinated for a friend, emphasizing what a great team my parents make.    
5. Cells Dancing!  ~ Listening to a good friend as she described an especially rewarding week after choosing to face years of her own historical pain, and months of courageously stepping outside of her comfort zone.
6. Thankfulness!  ~ Listening to experienced expats as they offered more information and cultural lessons about this new land that I’m in.
7. Struggle!  ~ As I learned that some of my friends are being forced to take one-day each week as unpaid furlough from their jobs.
8. Sadness ~ As I listened to a friend that just lost a loved one on the heels of losing two others.
9. Introspection ~ As I listened to:  A virtual debate about how to listen more on Social Media and still promote effectively.  A book club discussion about the story of success.  And two thought provoking Tweet Chats about good and bad leaders and sincere and insincere leaders. 
10. Refreshing water, vitamin D, and some cardio ~ As I listened to my body as it screamed for sunshine and exercise.
11. An attitude adjustment ~ As I listened to my favorite music and read words of truth. 
12. Vision, purpose, hope and legacy ~ As I read an incredible blog series by Barry Smith about his recent trip to Guatemala with John Maxwell.  This link will take you to a video to help you understand what they were doing there.  (It is very inspiring!)  This link will take you to Barry’s final article in the series, the bottom of the post includes links to articles about his experience each day they were there.  

Please share:  Who did you listen to this week?  What did you experience? 

Posts we recommend about the benefits of listening within organizations.

• To Hear the Truth, You Have to Listen
• The Answers are on The Company Floor
• 5 Reasons Curious Leadership Will Strengthen Your Organization

PhotoCredit:  iStock

~~~~~~

Have you downloaded our NEW Instigating Change Checklist? It’s full of tips to help you Instigate Change no matter where you sit!

• Conversations with new mothers that are in the midst of raising little children and have no time for themselves.
• Conversations with stay at home mothers that feel like they are frequently treated as if they are less intelligent, less creative, or have less to contribute to our world because they don’t have a full-time job outside of the home.
• Conversations with mothers in blended families, as they work to be peacemakers that are consistent, fair and explainable in all they do.
• Conversations with mothers that are a guiding light when their families go through trememdous change.
• Conversations with mothers that haverecently lost a child.
• Conversations with mothers that are raising children with cognitive challenges, health issues, mental health challenges…

As I think about the mothers and grandmothers I admire, these traits float to the top:

• Humility:  Ability to laugh at themselves.  Willing to tell stories about their own mistakes and heartaches to help those they love.  Admit when they are wrong.  Willing to do  not so glamorous work, and risk never receiving a word of gratitude in return.
• Commitment:  Practice tough love.  Practice amazing grace.  Practice forgiveness.  And never, never, never give up on their children.
• Priorities: Actively involved in the lives of their children.  Never misses a special occasion even if miles divide them from loved ones.  Clears tables of breakable decorations and replaces them with stuffed animals so grandchildren can explore freely.  Clears schedules at the drop of a hat to care for grandchildren.
• Strategic, Organized, Effective: Strategic in the types of experiences they want to give their children and dedicated to running their homes with so much efficiency and effectiveness that our nation should take lessons from them.

As I pondered the vision, commitment and sacrifices of mothers I reached out to friends and asked them to share their thoughts about mothers…

Drew is married to Kim and consistently posts loving comments about his wife on social media.  This is what Drew had to say about mothers, “They are devoted & dedicated to tirelessly serving their family. They demonstrate compassion and unconditional love for their children. They would gladly lay down their life for their kids. “No”, or “I can’t” does not exist in their vocabulary.”

Alli is a senior in high school and will graduate this week.  As her family prepares to honor her accomplishments, she had this to say about her mom Jennifer, “Something I was always amazed with was while she was a youth leader and Sunday school teacher how she was able to get down on our level and have fun but still be a leader and teach us about faith at the same time. When she was focusing on ministering to girls she won the girls over in our class surprisingly fast just by being an adult who showed that she truly cared about their well being and their faith.”

Erin is the mother of Evan and Ella.  I consistently admire her strategy, her creativity and her love for her children.  Last summer she instituted The Peaceful Project in their home to teach the children the importance of caring for and collaborating with each other.  This is what Erin had to say…

“I think one of the most important jobs as a mother is to be engaged enough to notice strengths. It’s NOT about US and our “glory days” re-lived through our kids. We need to be aware of how God made them, and we need to nurture their strengths and help them to follow their dreams.

I also think we can learn SO much from listening to our kids. I know mine keep me grounded and totally authentic. They won’t accept anything else!! And, their hearts are so pure at their ages. I always gain from listening to their perspectives and from allowing them to challenge me.

Parents also have to provide guidance and allow for failure. We need to give our kids enough perspective and helpful guidance, but allow them to do the work and experience the lessons that come with less-than-perfection.

More than anything, parenting -like leadership – is all about the relationships and positive impact. I refer back to my very favorite leadership quote, which SO applies…

Leadership is not magnetic personality – that can just as well be a glib tongue.
It is not “making friends and influencing people” – that is flattery.
Leadership is lifting a person’s vision to higher sights,
the raising of a person’s performance to a higher standard,
the building of a personality beyond its normal limitations.  ~ Peter F. Drucker”

Duane is marred to Elizabeth.  After years of trying to have children of their own they adopted Ayana.  Duane’s comments honor both his mother and Elizabeth.  (So much of what he shared about them shines a light on the strengths and dedication of my own mother Laurel.)    

“Apart from being a fantastic nurturer, the area where my mom stood out as a leader was in her ability to raise a family on a very tight budget. My Dad’s starting pay at the university was low as he worked on his advanced degrees, so my mom had to get creative. She picked up skills so that she could run a variety of part-time home businesses to help earn the small amount of extra income we needed. She did everything from making and selling decorative baskets, to wallpaper hanging, to selling plants. She also helped our family save money by planting and maintaining a huge garden and helping to run a small farm that supplied most of our food, and sewing clothes for the family. Much of these skills were self-taught. Through all this she taught us how to be creative, thrifty, independent, and self-sufficient. More often than not we were expected to work right along side her.

Elizabeth is incredible in her own way. She, too, finds great joy in being thrifty and creative with things like shopping, cooking, and home decorating – not out of necessity but because they’re admirable qualities. But where she really shines as a mother to our daughter is in how intentional she is about mothering. Long before we welcomed our daughter into our home Elizabeth had read multiple books on things like sleep training and parenting techniques. She wasn’t content with accepting the advice of the first person that came along, but rather put in the effort of finding and analyzing what all is out there before consulting with me and choosing a strategy. As a result she is probably the most prepared mother I know. She knows exactly what to expect in our daughter as she grows and develops, long before Ayana reaches a given developmental milestone. Elizabeth is patient, consistent, and intentional with her, and treats her job as a stay-at-home mom just like a career. As a result of her seemingly tireless teaching, focused playing, and constant communicating with Ayana, we already have a successful, well-rounded, developed, content, and happy child. Ayana is blessed to have her as a mom, and I’m blessed to have her as a wife.”

How about you?  How has your mother, grandmother, wife, sister, aunt or friend made a positive impact as a mother?  

Additional posts you may be interested in.  

• Honoring mothers on Mother’s Day…
• A nearly 90 year-old grandmother that is stil giving…
• Women mentoring others…

Photo credit: iStockphoto.com 

After that flight took off a little boy toddled down the isle of the plane, stopped at my husband’s seat and lifted both of his arms in a sweet gesture that communicated his desire to be held.  

My husband lifted the toddler into his lap and cuddled him.  When the little boy’s mother realized what had happened, she looked a bit uncomfortable so my husband put the little boy down and sent him back to his mother.

A short time later this little boy wandered back to Jim, and again lifted his arms.  Jim looked towards the mother and she granted her permission with the nod of her head, and again my husband cuddled that little boy.

Before they landed, my husband learned that this little boy named Daniel, had not seen his father in a month and during the past several hours Daniel had not been eating or drinking.  After spending time cuddling with my husband, Daniel finally ate and drank.

No matter how I view that experience it warms my heart and makes me smile, two complete strangers that are drawn to each other for a reason.  …Of all the strangers on the plane why did Daniel pick Jim?

• My immediate reaction was that Daniel saw a light in Jim, he knew Jim was safe and just needed that warmth.
• Then a friend pointed out that perhaps something in Daniel understood that Jim had just said goodbye to everything familiar and safe and was taking a journey into the unknown and he wanted to offer comfort and hope to Jim.  (Perhaps my husband was entertaining an angel…)

No matter how you view it, it was an experience that provided joy and hope.  (And Daniel is still talked about today as if we’ve always known him.)

[Tweet “”We cannot hold a torch to light another’s path without brightening our own.” Ben Sweetland”]

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.”  Isaiah 42:16

When have you engaged or been engaged by a complete stranger?  Did the day get a little brighter?  Did the world get a little smaller?  Please share your stories!  

Photo Credits:  Fotolia

Over the past several weeks I have had many unexpected conversations with mothers of returning veterans, with spouses of returning veterans, and with people who provide services to veterans.  In every case they have emphasized the enormous struggles these men and women are facing:  

• As they try to process what they have experienced.
• As they grieve the loss of friends.
• As they adjust to physical injuries.
• As they attempt to re-enter life in the “civilian” world.
• As they try to reconnect with family and friends.
• And as they look for jobs.

The pressure is so intense that suicide has become an awful temptation for some and a horrible reality for others.

Would you be willing to seek out veterans and their families and show them how much you appreciate them and let them know that they will not be abandoned?  

Below are just a few ideas to get you started.  (Please share your ideas as well!)

1. Thank the veterans you know.
2. Thank the families of veterans.
3. Ask them how their transition is going.  Do they have a need you can help with?
   • Do they need help making a connection with a prospective employer?
   • Do they need help creating a resume or practicing interviewing skills?
   • Do they need a listening ear and some encouragement?
   • Do they have physical needs?
4. Get your organization involved in strategically recruiting veterans.
5. Call the Veterans Administration, your local Chamber of Commerce or a local Company Commander and find out how you can help. Do they need volunteers or financial assistance?

“…And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.  

And I won’t forget those who gave that right to me.  

And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today.  

‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.”  

Lee Greenwood

Photo credits:  iStock photo

~~~

Chery Gegelman is one of 21 author’s from 3 countries that connected virtually and discovered a shared passion that has resulted in a new book:

The Character-Based Leader:  Instigating a leadership revolution… One person at a time.

This book encourages people everywhere to lead from WHO they are not WHERE they sit.

“Do what you can, with what you have, right where you are.” Theodore Roosevelt

“With great power, comes great responsibility.” Stan Lee, Franklin D Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Voltaire

~~~

My Grandfather was a WWII Battle of the Bulge Veteran and although his nature was to accept whatever life handed him and to move on, the memories of the brokenness and devastation that the war created left a shadow of questions that haunted him.

For years he did his best to cope, while raising a large family and tending to a farm.  When his youngest grandchildren started asking about the war he found some healing by sharing stories with family and fellow veterans, but the questions themselves remained.

In 2004, 60 years after the battle he accompanied a number of veterans back to those battlefields. Considering the devastation of the homes, the cities and the lives that were directly impacted by the battles, grandpa was not sure what kind of a welcome they would receive.  Much to his surprise, everywhere they went they were treated as heroes!

On one particular day Grandpa was given the opportunity to choose a destination on his own, and was accompanied by only a guide, an interpreter, and my Father.  Everywhere they went that day, Grandpa was received with the same appreciation and honor that the group had been receiving. City Officials came out to meet him and shake his hand.  Grandchildren ran out to thank him for their bedridden grandparents.

Grandpa was honored and shocked by the reactions he was getting and finally voiced his thoughts, “How can you be so grateful when we left your homes, cities and country in such devastation?”