We recently purchased a new home and immediately started adding to the garage.

The day the bricklayers came to add brick to the addition, something didn’t seem quite right…

I looked at it, thought it must be my eyes and walked away.

Then I turned around and came back out, looked at it again and it still didn’t seem quite right.

So I took a picture and then I was sure!

I forwarded the picture below to a few friends and didn’t tell them what to look for and just asked them what they saw.

Most of them saw it too…

Do you see it?

The new brick on the left side of this picture clearly does not match the brick on the house!

It could be redone, so not the end of the world right?

Except everything that needed to happen next was hinging on the brick being done. If the brick was not completed now– there would be a massive domino effect and we’d miss our targeted completion date. And then more domino’s would fall.  As I imagined the impact of each one falling, my adrenaline soared.

Trying to understand what happened, I imagined multiple scenarios:   

1. Did the contractor order the wrong brick?
   • They said no. They were certain they ordered correctly.
2. Did the brick company supply the wrong brick?
   • They said no. They were certain they supplied correctly.

…Except everyone agreed that it didn’t look right.

3. Even if the brick on the house had faded, it was still darker than the new brick. So that didn’t explain anything.

But wait a minute the brick in stacks, that were not on the house yet – did match the house.

4. So maybe the factory mislabeled one stack of the brick – and that just happened to be the stack that went on the back of the addition?

And then we washed the brick.  And guess what? It was indeed the right brick.

And now my brick wall will forever be a reminder that there will be times when:

1.  The truth is camouflaged.  

• I’ve met more than one executive that could not see the truth about the behavior of those closest to them – even when others tried repeatedly to tell them.
• In the book Picking Cotton, Jennifer Thompson Cannino and Ronald Cotton tell the story of her rape, and his false conviction. Because of what the truth “appeared” to be.  Ronald’s build and facial features were similar to those of the actual rapist.  So it was easier for everyone to believe it was him, than to spend more time thoroughly investigating all possibilities.

2.   We need to breathe first, take our time and examine the issue from every angle. 

• Companies have collapsed when titled leaders have been unwilling to dig into issues that took time, and made them uncomfortable.
• Individuals have been falsely accused and imprisoned because broken systems and those in power would not allow a DNA test to be performed.
• Entire groups of people have been treated as if they are less than human because of widely spread urban legends that are believed instead of being investigated.
• Innocent people in our society and in politics are often victimized because it is easier to believe the thing we fear.  And so much harder to dig deeper.

When something interrupts what we expect, we need to ask ourselves what matters more: The truth, our comfort or our ego? And then be willing to consider the possibility that we might be wrong and do a bit more research.

“ When truth is camouflaged:  Innocent people are victimized and others are duped.

“ When the truth is camouflaged:  Smaller issues become big ones.

3.  We should own our mistakes, apologize if necessary, learn from it and move on.

• Sometimes humble pie serves as reminder not to assume the worst about a situation or the outcome. Encouraging us to remember to dig deeper and to control our own thinking and behavior while we are digging.

Please share: Have you ever been 100% sure that you were right – and then discovered that you were wrong?  What did you learn?

I recently visited a high school that has invested years teaching their students to be activists.

While that effort alone is impressive.  The uncommon skill they are teaching, and modeling for the students is even more so.

Through instruction and experience, their students are learning that a healthy culture is a balanced culture.  And that in a balanced culture it is possible to think critically and to be compassionate.

They are learning how to shine a bright light on truth with data and personal experiences.  …While getting involved with, and loving people that have made choices they disagree with.

They are engaging people and growing their cause because of their unique approach.  And the impact they are having on the students, families and the community is beyond impressive.

What those students and their families may not realize:

• Is that it is uncommon it is to learn to balance challenging concepts.
• This skill will benefit every part of their lives in the years to come.  (As individuals. with their families, in the businesses and non profits they will serve and within the communities and nation they will live in.)

Now imagine the cultures you are a part of: 

“ Is a balanced culture part of your strategy to improve engagement and growth?

Are Truth and Love strategically poured into the foundation and the future?

Is Vision balanced with Ownership?

• Do you have a vision?
• Does everyone know why it is important? And how they impact the vision?
• Is it clearly and frequently communicated both internally and externally?
• Is that vision used to guide decisions or to decorate walls?
• Are all teams measured on goals that support that vision – or are they forced to fight each other and work against the vision to accomplish their objectives?
• How often do they experience uncommon synergy and results?
• Are all people empowered and unleashed to bring their best to your organization?
• Does everyone listen to and respond to your customers, members or citizens?

Is EVERYONE unleashed to make the greatest difference possible?

When that happens, people at every level take ownership of the opportunities they see and:

• Individuals have more freedom, energy, commitment and growth
• Teams experience greater collaboration, synergy, engagement and results
• Customers are valued, honored, and continually amazed

Is Accountability balanced with Compassion?

Are all wafts of smoke followed to the source and fires are extinguished before they spread?

Do Smoke-Chasers:

• Seek the whole truth about opportunities in the organization?
• Weigh everything against the company vision, mission and values?
• Confront internal barriers that are preventing titled leaders from listening and responding to employees or from communicating & problem solving with peers?
• Balance consistency with fairness in their conversations and decision making?
• Treat people with respect – regardless of their title, personality style or behavior?
• Address inappropriate behavior – “Boss babies” grow up or leave, Manipulators change or go?
• Help their organizations overcome challenges and grow:  Often reducing risk, increasing efficiency and maximizing results without added expense?

Those who build strong balanced cultures are rewarded with uncommon:  

• Engagement: Their people are committed, and energized.
• Growth: Because they’re leveraging the wisdom and passion of many.

Leaders, can you relate to this?

Empowerment is one of your core values. It hangs on walls throughout your building.

You’ve hosted meetings, waved your magic empowerment wand and reminded people that they are encouraged to a take greater level of ownership in your business.

However, for the most part your employees aren’t responding.

Below are 5 reasons they aren’t taking ownership –yet!

1. Your words haven’t made an impact yet.

Ken Blanchard says that you must impact people’s KNOWLEDGE, before you can impact their ATTITUDE, and you must impact their ATTITUDE before their BEHAVIOR changes.

Marketing theory says that someone has to hear the same message at least 7 times before you begin to impact their knowledge.

So people need to hear your message at least 21 times before it begins to impact their knowledge, attitude and behavior. (Keeping in mind that every person is not physically or mentally present each time you say something.)

TIPS:

• Activate learning for all – People have different learning styles: So intentionally involve as many senses as possible when you empower them. Use words, music, video, food, activities…
• Model the behavior you wish to see. (See more in tips #5 & 6)

2. They don’t believe you.

Their previous work experiences have convinced them that speaking truth to power will create any combination of risks:

• Their position on the team
• How their boss will treat them
• How secure their jobs will be

 TIPS:

• Share stories of times that you and each member of your leadership team had the courage to lead up, what happened, and what you learned.  Emphasize how each one of them knows something that others don’t.  Ideas to reduce risk and expenses, increase revenue and efficiency, improve teamwork and customer service…  All help the company grow and increase job security.
• (See TIPS #5 & 6 as well!)

3. They don’t know how.

Even if they see a huge opportunity, they may not know how to approach you.  (Someone with a steady behavioral style may struggle to speak to someone with a dominant behavioral style.)

When they have the courage to approach you, and you respond favorably – they may still not know how to start their project.

TIPS:

• Invest in DiSC Training and learn to identify and understand different behavior styles so you can adjust to the style of the person you are speaking to.
• Learn Situational Leadership so you can provide the right balance of clear direction and support. (I am naturally supportive, and learned that when I cheered employees on that needed clear direction, I wasn’t providing the help they needed. Which confused them and stalled their ability to move to the next step. Learning to recognize what they needed most was a huge leadership step for me.)

4. The people you surround yourself with.

Be very aware of the words and actions of the executive team. It is not uncommon for a titled leader to nod in agreement in your presence and then undermine your desire to create an empowered culture when you are not around.

Traditionalists and new hires do this if they don’t understand the value of empowerment and if they worry about losing their power and authority.

Manipulators do this because they fear being seen for who they really are.

TIPS:

• Hire wisely. If that prospective leader has great experience but can’t share how they’ve leveraged empowerment to make a greater difference in previous organizations – dig deeper.   Are they opposed to empowered cultures or just lacking experience? Are they willing to share their “power” with others to become a better leader and build a more successful organization?
• Don’t seal yourself off. Never allow yourself to be influenced by only one person or group of people. Stay in close contact with people at all levels of your organization. Watch and listen. (See #5 & 6 as well!)

5. The processes you don’t have in place.

To create a truly empowered organization you need processes in place that hold titled leaders accountable to provide clear answers to the suggestions of employees.

TIPS:

• Implement a simple white paper process and teach everyone in the organization where the forms are and how to do it.
• Respond consistently. Executives meet monthly to review and respond to the employee suggestions.
  • Yes – As much as possible let those that suggested the idea, own the project and give them a sponsor in titled leadership to help them take next steps.
  • More information needed – be specific about what information is needed yet and give them suggested contacts.
  • No – Honor their initiative, be as specific as possible about why the idea won’t work at this time, and let them know when or if they should bring this idea forward again in the future.

6. Celebrate!

Honor, celebrate and reward those that take the initiative to grow your company.

TIPS:

In all employee meetings

• Honor those that are suggesting improvements
• Celebrate the difference they are making
• Reward their contributions.

“ Never forget:  People do what people see!

I recently went into a store to pick up an order for someone else. When I arrived, I asked for the supervisor of that department by name. She was gone for the day, so a teenager tried to assist me and I proceeded to ask for the order by name and then by description.

The teen was was unaware of the order and asked her two coworkers for help. (Both of them were in their late 50’s.)

Her coworkers just shrugged, said they didn’t know anything and walked away.

“ Is the generational diversity of your employees impacting your customers?

So the teenager looked everywhere she could think of, and then asked one of her coworkers for help again.

The elder woman snapped at her and walked away again.

The teenager’s voice quivered a bit but she stayed in the game and said, “I don’t know where to look or how to help the customer, you have been here longer than any of us, so you should know the most. I need your help.”

“ Great service people own the problem and involve others, until a solution is found.

I was in awe. It was clear that the teen was frustrated. Heck, I was frustrated with her. But she didn’t give up. She didn’t get nasty. She gritted up, got the help she needed, and I left a few minutes later with the order.

Popular perceptions often indicate that younger generations are the cause of teamwork issues in the workplace.

“ Blaming the generational gap for workplace issues won’t make your company healthier.

What if they are symptoms of a greater opportunity?

Taking the time to understand root causes and doing something about them will help the team experience less frustration, serve customers more effectively and generate higher profits.

Below are 6 places to start:

1. Employee retention:  Is this a daily experience for the teen and if so, how long will she stay in this role?
2. Historical behavior of the teens:  How often have the other teens in the store taken this kind of ownership or do many of them live up to the perception that teens are irresponsible, disrespectful and immature?
3. Historical behavior of the oldest generation: How often have the more mature and experienced members of the staff acted like roadblocks instead of being mentors?
4. Vision:  Has management ever brought the team together and emphasized the value of their diversity as a team? (*See below.)
5. Training and development:  What kind of customer service and teamwork training has titled leadership provided to the staff?
6. Communication and accountability:  Have processes ever been put in place that keep both the team and management informed?  Are those processes used?  How are those processes evaluated?

If you were leading this team what would you do?

* In a recent article about diversity LaRae Quy stated that, “Research has shown that it is a good idea to highlight differences because this tends to make those differences be taken seriously by all members of the team. These were the teams that came up with better ideas than homogenous teams. But, only when they were told to listen to, and respect, the perspectives of their teammates.”

“ Have you ever overlooked someone’s honesty because of their skills?

Once upon a time I worked for a charismatic leader with a serious set of skills. Someone I learned from constantly and deeply admired …

• Until I caught him in a lie.
• And then a second one.
• A third one.
• A fourth one.
• And finally a fifth one.

“ Follow the smoke… Before it becomes a fire! #CharacterMatters

The crazy part was – I wasn’t hunting for lies. I literally kept tripping into them – all five in a very short amount of time after years of working together.

When I confronted for the last time. He said, “I don’t know how you keep finding these things out.” No denial. No excuses. No apology.

A short time later – I “fired him” by turning in my notice.

Titled leaders and employees can all be tempted to overlook honesty because of skill.

As a titled leader:

Have you ever hired someone – after it became clear that they lied in their interview?

• A seemingly tiny lie – like where they lived
• A bigger lie – like how long they’d held a job
• A bold lie – like having more education or experience than they do

How did that decision impact:

• Your business?
• Your customers?
• Your employees?
• You?

Would you do it again?

One really bad hire: Has created distrust, destroyed teams, chased customers away, killed profits – and eventually brought down the hiring managers that overlooked those lies.

Have you ever discovered that someone lied to you on their resume or application after you hired them?

• Do they still work for you?

Have you ever found out that someone falsified a report at work?

• What did you do?
• What message did you send to your other employees about the importance of integrity?

I’ve heard hiring managers justify skills over character, sales managers defend profit over truth and HR managers declare that they don’t legislate morality.

On the flip side of that, is the stand that Financial Guru Dave Ramsey has taken with his employees. If any of them cheat on their spouse they are terminated. He believes if someone will cheat on the person that is supposed to be the most important person in their lives – they will cheat on anything.  And that lack of character will ultimately impact other employees, the workplace and his customers.

As a prospective employee:

Have you ever overlooked the character of the company because you had too much invested already?

• Have you ever discovered that the company that you just accepted a position with – is lying to you?
• What did you do?

This post describes a situation one of my expat neighbors faced two days prior to moving to Saudi Arabia.

As an employee:

Have you ever learned alarming things about the character of the company you just started working for?

• What did you do?

Have you ever allowed your character to be manipulated by a bully?

• Has your hiring manager ever demanded that you do something – and won’t put that demand in writing?
• Did you stand up to them – in spite of their anger?

People have lost everything from vacations to their jobs because they didn’t stand.  Choosing to stand may also result in no job, but it doesn’t violate your conscience or tarnish your character.

Looking for a speaker or a facilitator for your next event?  

Chery helps people and organizations accomplish their mission by facilitating truth-seeking, listening, dialogue, collaboration and growth:

1. People work through divisive issues
2. Students and professionals develop critical life and leadership skills
3. Followers of Jesus find Biblical responses to the news and division in our world

Chery, Today was a hit! You were a delight and commanded the attention of all. We’ll be a better company. The feedback has been fantastic! Thank you for sharing your time with us.

–Teresa Knox, Founder and Former CEO – Community Care College, Clary Sage College, OK Technical College

Check out what others are saying

This weekend, we spent time with my sister and her family.  Several years ago they adopted a three-year-old little boy.

Jason was born with a genetic condition and under the influence of the drugs and alcohol that his birth mother used during her pregnancy.  Collectively, all of those things impact his cognitive abilities.

Jason is a beautiful soul that loves life, people and all kinds of animals.  But there are days that he struggles with emotions, decisions and expressing himself.

Over the weekend, I heard stories from his big sister and his mom about times he is having a challenging day.  In those moments, they’ve heard him coaching himself with words like these:

• “Gotta be nice, calm down.”
• “You know that’s disrespectful.”
• “It hurts her feelings when you do that”
• “Why do you do that?”
• “I don’t know why, it’s just hard sometimes”

When I shared the story with my husband he was impressed that Jason was trying to use logic to govern his emotions.

He is a pre-teen with the mind of a little boy and a heart that is more mature than many adults.

“ Have you ever used logic to govern your emotions?

Recently some of the ladies that had attended several Conversation Safari’s shared these stories of how they have been coaching themselves.

Both are Muslim women that wear a hijab.  (The hijaab is the scarf that covers a woman’s hair, making it easy to identify her faith, which sometimes makes her a target of bigots.)

One was preparing for a family vacation to the U.S. and very concerned about how she and her family would be treated when they arrived.

• She coached herself to return any rude or hateful behavior with kindness.
• Throughout her vacation she radiated joy and kindness and received the same in return.

The second one is from Germany and converted to Islam when she met her husband.

• She was recently introduced to someone on social media that was raised in East Germany under communist rule and was about to begin her first expat experience in The Middle East.
• When they met in person, my friend did not have her hijab on, because there were no men present.  As a result, the new expat had no idea that my friend was a Muslim and made a few negative comments about Muslims.
• My friend silently coached her own behavior and responded with kindness, even as she revealed she was a Muslim.
• In spite of a challenging first meeting, my friend’s reaction made it possible for them to continue to meet and build a friendship.
• Today they meet with a group of women from a variety of nationalities and religions.  (And this new expat is constantly surprised and inspired, to learn that it is possible to have deep and energizing dialogue about challenging topics.)

Both of these women will tell you that:

• It is easier to let their emotions respond.
• It is a much harder and a much more productive choice to make their emotions obey their logic.
• This skill has made their interactions with others significantly more energizing and effective.

So how about you?

“ When was the last time you coached yourself?

• To seek first to understand
• To listen more
• To talk less
• To assume the best
• To be kind – even if you don’t trust
• To apologize
• To forgive

How do you need to be coaching yourself?  …And how would your life be impacted if you did?

Offering interactive speaking and workshops

That leverage true leadership stories and experiences as an expat in Saudi Arabia

To educate, inspire and emphasize leadership and life skills for adults and teens  

View Testimonials Here

On November 15th, twenty-eight women from a variety of races, nations and religions gathered together for a Conversation Safari.  The plan was to dive into divisive current events and the fears that drive our emotions, our behaviors and our results.

Our topic had been planned for months based on several private conversations:

• I’d had with a Muslim neighbor
• And several different conversations I’d had with ladies that will always have a better tan than I do

In each of those private conversations we shared fears, we felt each other’s pain, and considered new perspectives.

(The date of our event had been chosen because of some scheduling conflicts, not because of a master strategy.  But when November 9th rolled around and the election results from the U.S. hit the airwaves – fear in across the world and in the expat sandbox grew.  Our topic could not have been more perfectly timed.)

• One of the women I had met with during the summer shared what was happening at the University that her son attends in the U.S.
• Other neighbors were posting deep concern for their safety in the world
• While other friends in the U.S. were sharing deep concerns about racism and bigotry

The morning of the event, each lady that attended agreed to:

• Share what makes them feel angry and fearful – beyond the election
• Be courageous and open, even if they were uncomfortable
• Bring compassion, curiosity and a spirit of adventure – instead of a desire to win a debate

Each one shared their perspectives

and listened to others.

Some cried, and all laughed, loved, and learned.

After sharing what made each one angry and fearful…  I had been given permission to share the following story from one of those private conversations…

A brlliant, compassionate and beautiful African woman is in an environment where she is often treated as less because of the color of her skin.  One day a neighbor called her a Negro – to her face.  The pain that word caused, still shines in her eyes when she shares the details of that event.

Once the ladies in the room had a few minutes to process her pain, we compared that to another true story…

A white woman that is in her late 60’s was raised in a very rural part of the U.S.. It was so rural that she was 20 years old before she saw a person of color in real life.

Because of her environment and age, this woman used the word Negro as recently as two years ago, as a descriptive term.  (Much like people use the words Caucasian or Hispanic, tall or short – not understanding how much pain it can cause.)

-This white woman cares about her brothers and sisters, regardless of their skin color and wants to understand at a higher level.  But she is unsure how to connect.

Not long ago, she and her husband visited the Southern part of the U.S. and took a tour of slave history.  They were the only white people on the tour.  She was heartbroken by what she saw and disappointed that more white people weren’t there, and even more disappointed about how awkward and uncomfortable it was.  She didn’t know how to express her desire to learn, and the rest of the people on the tour were more than a little suspicious of her presence.

No matter which side of the story we relate to, how do we really know:

• When someone’s intent is malicious?
• If they don’t know what they don’t know?
• Or if they just aren’t sure how to express their compassion and desire to learn?

“ If you are seeking to understand, it’s really ok to say…“I care, I want to know more, I’m outside my comfort zone and I don’t know what to ask.”

Then we discussed a TED Talk about a Muslim woman who lived in the U.S on Sept 11, 2001.  All day long, she experienced great fear about being blamed and persecuted for something that others did.  Instead of her worst fears coming true, she received amazing care and support from her community.

And we compared her experience that day to:

• The experience of one of the Muslim ladies in the room – Who was living Australia far away from her home country of Pakistan for the first time.  Navigating a new culture on her own, far from her father and her husband.  She was treated badly that day – not because she did anything wrong, but because some people were fearing all Muslims, based on the actions of a few.
• My experience – Living in the 4^th largest city in the U.S and not knowing one Muslim. Not one.  The day the planes hit, I was on a business trip in a different state. So my focus was on the safety and security of our country and my loved ones, supporting the co-workers I was with, and getting home to my husband.  …And it never occurred to me to wonder what innocent Muslims were experiencing.  

  “ What would happen if we paused to hear each other’s stories and consider other perspectives?

After meeting with one of my Muslim neighbors this summer – she shared this video with me.

• It emphasizes the temptations we all face in the midst of divisive and terrifying issues
• And recommends an uncommon solution – that each one of us can act on immediately

So before our safari ended the entire group watched it.

As fear-filled news swirls around us, and the world trys to convince us that we have to choose a side… We can choose to:

• Stay in our comfort zones and continually dwell on our anger and fear
• Talk endlessly to people who are angry and fearful of the same things we are – which only increase the size of our monsters
• Sit in judgment of those who don’t side with us

OR

• Stop feeding the anger and fear in our thoughts and our conversations
• Leave our comfort zones and seek to understand those have different stories and perspectives
• Share what we are learning with others

One choice fuels despair, the other fuels hope.

“ What if…  We intentionally and strategically chose love over fear?

CLICK HERE to find out how you can participate in our launch of CONVERSATION Safaris in Greater Houston Nov 6, 2018

*An important mention:  In one of our Safari’s I was asked if it was ok to say “white people” to describe my race.  It was an instant bonding moment for the entire room as we recognized how challenging and uncomfortable it is to have these conversations.  Imagine asking someone about a physical or cognitive challenge, or how to properly describe someone’s race, nationality or religion…  There are very few words that all people agree on.  If we all understand that – it is easier to offer each other grace and keep learning!

Image Credits:  Ghadeer El-Nadoury

I’ve been working with a group of pre and early teens and we’ve been talking about perceptions and reality. In our last meeting, I asked if they have ever greeted someone and not been greeted in return. Emphatically – yes!

So I broke them up into small groups and asked them to come up with a list of at least 15 reasons why someone they greeted would not respond.

At first they listed things like this:

• They hate me
• They are mean
• They are rude
• They are a bully
• They are racist

It took awhile for them to start coming up with reasons like this:

• They are deaf
• They are listening to headphones
• They have a disability
• They are on the telephone
• They didn’t hear me
• They don’t speak the same language as me
• They are shy

These were things they didn’t consider:

• They are thinking about something and not paying attention
• They are depressed
• They are angry about something

As our discussion unfolded, I shared two stories about adults in our international compound that have had this experience:

• Both struggled to keep greeting someone that was not responding.
• But both kept at it and eventually got consistent responses, and in one case those repeated greetings led to a delightful conversation.

“ People never experience a connection by assuming the worst.

It is easy to misinterpret someone else’s actions, to assume the worst and to quit trying.  And fascinating to consider that most of us would keep at it, if we knew the other person:

• Were deaf or could not speak our language – we’d wave or maybe learn to sign or greet them in their native tongue.
• Had a special need – we’d find a new way to engage.
• Was having a bad day – we’d give them grace and try again.

So what if… They have a negative perception about people of your race or your religion?

• Do you lose anything by greeting them anyway?
• And what if… Your continued kindness challenges their beliefs and changes their behavior?

Now here’s the zinger: The point of this exercise is NOT connection.

It is about developing the critical life skill of problem solving.

Far too often, we make decisions based on how we feel, or what we think we know, instead of really understanding what is happening.

And those uninformed decisions:

1. Waste time
2. Sapp energy
3. Increase division
4. Make it more challenging to get to the root of the problem
5. Impact our lives, relationships, workplaces, communities and our future

“ Problems are never solved by assumptions. Only deep understanding drives change.

We all benefit from deep dives that examine multiple perspectives.

Please share:

• When have you made a false assumption?
• What was the impact?
• What did you learn?

Want more?  Below are several real examples of how assumptions have impacted problem solving and organizational growth:

• Small Business
• Social Services and Higher Ed
• Multiple Organizations

The inspirational video below highlights the impact this process has on individuals.

Image Credit:  iStock

When my husband said we were asked to move to a giant sandbox on the other side of the world my stomach churned so hard I had to sit down.

How was this possible?  We said we would go ANYWHERE in the world except – THERE!  Scenes from movies and the news melded with my own fears and questions were fired off so rapidly my husband could not reply.

A “yes” wasn’t possible if I could not change my thinking:

• From the losses to the possible gains.
• From the challenges to the possible opportunities.
• From fear to faith.

One of the possible opportunities was living in a diverse compound filled with people from other parts of the world and learning from each other.  (I had no idea at that time how diverse – Our little compound hosts people from more than 30 different nations.)

The vision of celebrating our differences was so motivating to me – that I unconsciously began to assume that everyone who had relocated here, had the same focus.

The reality is that some people shared that vision or have acquired it along the way. However…

• For some, moving anywhere away from home is torture – let alone adding the element of extreme culture shock.
• Others can accept a new location depending on where it is.
• Some are simply too busy with the details to focus on possible gains.  (Getting children moved, in school and settled, navigating a new health care system…)
• Others are trying to provide emotional support to family on the other side of the world while adjusting to life here.
• And a significant number are navigating most of this alone – as their husbands are on worksites or traveling for a majority of the month.

So when normal cultural misunderstandings occur in our compound – The people involved are already under loads of stress.   In those moments, previous perceptions fuel behavior that is less than ideal – and the responses are swift, judgmental and lingering.  When that happens, I am reminded that we are a snapshot of the daily challenges in our world.

“ We end up gathering with allies – actual, perceived, or potential – as a way of feeling justified in our own accusing views of others. As a result of this fact, conflicts try to spread. So what begins as a conflict between two people spreads to a conflict between many as each person enlists others to his or her side. Everyone begins acting in ways that invite more of the very problem from the other side that each is complaining about. —ANATOMY OF PEACE BOOK

In the three years we’ve lived here, I’ve heard people say phrases like these more times than I’ve heard them in my entire life:

• I hate ___________ (insert any nationality).
• We all hate _________ (insert any nationality).
• Those ________ (insert any nationality or religious group).
• I’m not racist but __________.

So now when I watch the news and my social media feeds – I keep seeing what is lost in the great divide between “Us” and “Them”:

Each one of those losses continues to impact families, workplaces, communities, nations and our world…  

We don’t have to passively watch as it happens.  Each one of us can make the choice to break the cycle of division and help healing begin.

I recently shared how inspired I was when I watched a police officer named Chip Huth share how he and his department were transformed when they learned to see people instead of seeing problems.  And how his TEDx talk introduced me to the Anatomy of Peace Book.

This month a group of ladies from several different nations on our compound, will be reading the book and then getting back together to discuss it.

We’re seizing the opportunity to learn and grow in ways we can’t imagine yet.

• Imagine what would happen if each one of us found ways to alter our thinking and behavior just a little…
• Imagine the difference we could make if we planted more seeds of understanding and peace right where we are…
• Imagine what could happen if more people read the book and would have similar discussions…
• Imagine the impact we could have on the world if we took those skills with us to our next locations and back to our own nations…

“ I become an agent of change, only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong. Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to re-energize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning. I need to put time and effort into building relationships. —ANATOMY OF PEACE BOOK

PLEASE SHARE:  Have you considered how you can plant seeds that heal division?  What are you doing to create unity?

Want more ideas about how you can be an agent of change in a world that needs healing? 

Check out the links below:  

• Stop attacking the character of others in order to refute his or her ideas.
• In the Face of Terrorism, Why it’s More Important Than Ever to Travel.
• The difference between Debating and Discussing.

The first two articles in this series are linked here:

• Benefits of Learning from Those Who Think Differently
• Opinions Anonymous:  For recovering opinionistas that are tired of division

Image Credit:  Pixabay

I was leading a small team in a culturally diverse city in the U.S. when two of my employees asked why all the titled leaders on our leadership team were white.

I was raised in a part of the country that was not culturally diverse, today – nearly a decade after their question 89% of the population in my home state is white and 95% of the county that surrounded the town I grew up in was white.  As a result, it was a question I didn’t see coming and one I did not have a good answer for.

[Tweet “If you seek to lead well… You will consider uncomfortable questions.”]

My reactions:

Honored that they trusted me enough to ask.

Pondered the team I was responsible for:

• A few whites
• A few blacks
• A few Hispanics
• Asian
• Mixed
• Both male, female
• With a span of ages on the team that represented 5 different generations.

Reflected on how new team members were hired:

• I had never considered skin color or nationality. Ever.
• No quota’s to fill.
• No strategy to match the culture of my team with my customers.

I consistently looked for people with the skillset for the job, and people that would work well with the team. (And if the skillset was a match but they were obviously not a fit for the team, they were not hired.) And oddly enough the team was a pretty accurate reflection of the percentages of nationalities in our city.

So when I looked at the leadership team and considered their question, I wondered:

1. About the quality and variety of the applicants that were being received for those positions. (No doubt there were plenty of qualified people of other nationalities in our city.)
2. Was it how those positions were advertised?
3. What it where the business was located?
4. Was there an intentional prejudice present that I’d never noticed?
5. Was it the preference of any previous candidates not to be the first person from another nationality on the leadership team?
6. Were there other contributing factors I was missing?

Please don’t misunderstand. I am NOT advocating quotas. As they encourage organizations to hire warm bodies instead of the best talent or the best fit for the team. They also foster laziness and a lack of accountability by those that fit into the required group.

But I do believe that if we are willing to consider uncomfortable questions, there is often an opportunity for leaders to grow and improve.

A few weeks ago, I returned from South Africa and where learned more about the Apartheid System that smothered, separated and limited their people and the potential of their country for more than 50 years.

This is one tiny example from Nelson Mandela’s book that gives a glimpse of how much confusion, pressure, and division Apartheid caused, “Africans were desperate for legal help in government buildings:  It was a crime to walk through a Whites Only door, a crime to ride a Whites Only bus, a crime to use a Whites Only drinking fountain, a crime to walk on a Whites Only beach, a crime to be on the streets past eleven, a crime not to have a passbook, and a crime to have the wrong signature in that book, a crime to be unemployed and a crime to be employed in the wrong place, a crime to live in certain places and a crime to have no place to live.”

 When you dive into history like that, it is natural to look for evidence of change.

As we walked streets in Cape Town and Johannesburg it was clear that the oppression that had killed hopes, dreams, collaboration and synergy for years is gone. People now have the freedom of movement, without passbooks, without limits on where they can live, visit, sit, eat, or who they can be friends with or date.

It has only been 20 years since massive change came to South Africa and change takes time. At the same time teams and cultures will only continue to evolve if everyone is willing to keep asking and answering uncomfortable questions.

Throughout our stay in Cape Town, Johannesburg, on our Safari –we saw more white people in leadership positions, and more black people in entry-level service positions.

And the nagging question in my head and my heart was the one I’d been asked so many years ago… Why were so many of the leadership teams we saw… White? Why were all but one of the guides on our safari white, and all of the trackers black?

…And yes I asked the question, more than once.

My job is to turn over rocks and look at the squiggly things, even if what you see can scare the h_ll out of you.

-Former Pitney Bowes Executive, Fred Purdue

[Tweet “If you seek to lead well… You will ask uncomfortable questions.”]

PLEASE SHARE:

• Have you ever asked an uncomfortable question?
• Have you ever considered an uncomfortable question?
• Has an uncomfortable question ever changed your behavior?