For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

How badly do you want to know the end of the story?

Have you ever been in the midst of reading a book and just had to look at the last few pages to see how it ends?

Have you ever been at the bookstore and flipped ahead in  the books you are considering, to decide which ending you would prefer to read?

Or do you consistently read the story as it is written:

• Bonding with a character because of the challenges they are facing?
• Cheering for them to come through it all, victoriously?
• Fully experiencing all of the emotions they are feeling?

How about with your own story?

• The water is rising in the midst of a storm – will the house flood?
• That amazing person just asked you out – will you have a future together?
• A loved one just passed away – how will you go on?
• The interview you just had, seemed to go so well – will you get the job?
• Layoffs are happening – If you lose your job, how will you provide?

Are you anxiously trying to look ahead trying see what the next chapter holds?

Wishing you could flip past all hard things?

Trying to make your ideal ending come true?

I ask because my story has me on the edge of something that my heart has been desiring for a very long time. As I anticipate the days ahead, I also find myself pondering the times my story has thrown me some of those unwanted plot twists. Seasons of gut wrenching experiences, drama, change or waiting…

In every case:

• God used those situations to help me become softer, stronger, and wiser.
• I’ve learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is faithful.

And when my heart’s desires have finally come, they have been so much sweeter.

I’m not just speaking for myself.  This is true for people that have had their homes flooded, lost spouses and children, and jobs.

If you are in the midst of waiting, unwanted change, or struggle: Be encouraged.

“ Great stories are filled with drama, twists, turns, up and downs.

“ Unwanted plot twists can help you become softer, stronger and wiser.

And as crazy as it may sound, you can experience more peace and ultimately more joy.

Below are 3 Tips for fully experiencing your story as it unfolds:

1. Be thankful even in the midst of unwanted plot twists. (Seriously.) Stop and list at least three things you are thankful for. Do this as often as you need to. Multiple times in an hour, several times a day or once a day. Doing this retrains your brain to stop focusing on everything that is hard and shines a bright light on everything you’ve been blessed with.
2. Make a list of what you are learning. And keep adding to that list long after the struggle ends. You’ll be amazed at the clarity that comes when you are through the struggle.
3. Share your story with others. What did you feel? How did you react? How did you get through it? What did you learn? How have you changed? Everyone struggles with something. Your story has the power to transform your future and the lives of others.

PLEASE SHARE:  What is your story teaching you?

Have you ever:

• Participated in conversations about the behavior of certain titled leaders?
• Expressed frustration at situations that seem corrupt, not in line with core values or unfair?
• Wondered why opportunities to problem solve and improve the future were not taken?

Have you ever spoken these words, “Why doesn’t “someone” do something?”  

When the change you want to see isn’t happening “out there”… 

“ What if, YOU are “the someone” that everyone is waiting for?

Below are 21 Reasons that it might be time for YOU to Take Action:

AT WORK – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Decrease silos
2. Increase employee engagement and retention
3. Increase customer satisfaction
4. Reduce expenses
5. Reduce risk
6. Limit layoffs
7. Increase profit

IN YOUR COMMUNITY – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Build stronger relationships
2. Work together on a shared vision
3. Increase involvement
4. Communicate more effectively
5. Improve the quality of life
6. Increase safety
7. Create a stronger future

IN YOUR NATION – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Increase ownership
2. Improve accountability
3. Improve collaboration
4. Grow trust
5. Decrease inefficiency and waste
6. Improve results
7. Make the vision a reality

If you see any of those opportunities.  If you’ve ever said those words.  Who are you waiting for? 

Yes it takes courage to lead up, but…

“ If not YOU, then WHO? #LeadChange

I am convinced that most of the answers workplaces, communities and nations are seeking today are lying dormant inside of their employees, customer and suppliers. …Just waiting to be discovered and unleashed.

Learn More About Leading Up Here

I was facilitating a workshop for students. The goal was to help everyone identify the bubbles they live in, and to encourage them to strategically pop those bubbles.

I asked questions that encouraged laughter:

• What is the craziest food you have ever eaten? Answers varied from peas to snake… (Yes for some of us, eating vegetables is crazy!)

Then questions that would help them think about their courage:

• When was the last time you stood up to a bully? Answers varied from never to yesterday.

And then questions to facilitate deeper thinking:

• When was the last time that you tried to understand someone else’s point of view, before sharing your own…?

Their teacher is dedicated, wise, fun, energetic, very compassionate and constantly models that learning is for everyone.  She laughed and encouraged the entire process.

When she said the last time she stood up to a bully was two days earlier – Some of her students were surprised that even adults have to stand up to bullies.  Others were simply inspired.

A few minutes later, I reminded all of the students that one of the habits of highly effective people is seeking to understand someone else’s point of view (POV), before sharing your own.  Their teacher processed that quickly and shared that she doesn’t think she has ever done that. …And then I was inspired.

• Their teacher modeled vulnerability, courage, learning and growth
• Showing her students that it is healthy to identify and pop our own bubbles
• Emphasizing that whatever change we want to see in the world begins with ourselves

Now fast forward several weeks.

Our International Conversation Safari Participants were discussing harassment and culture.

We compared experiences and the norms in different size business, different types of businesses, different states, and in the countries each one of us is from.

Then considered times that that cultural differences have made us feel uncomfortable.  And agreed that most cultural differences are explainable and excusable until someone voices their discomfort with a cultural norm.

Emphasizing that the moment someone says they are uncomfortable we have three choices:

1. To can stay in our own bubbles and defend our culture
2. To attempt to pop other people’s bubbles by getting angry
3. Or to pop our own bubbles by reaching out, listening and seeking first to understand

The first two options are easy choices that make us part of the problem.

The third option takes more time and energy but makes highly effective solutions possible.

“ When was the last time you deeply considered someone else’s POV before you shared your own?

When was the last time you were in a conversation, and heard someone use the word “ALL” to describe the beliefs or behavior of an entire group of humans?

How many articles have filled your screens in the last week that emphasized all the reasons you should mistrust, disregard, or fear an entire group of people?

I’m deeply troubled about the volume of educated, intelligent, caring people that are having these conversations and sharing these articles and this is why…

Throughout history the word “ALL has been leveraged to:

1. Box and dehumanize entire groups of people
2. Fuel fear, judgment and anger
3. Shut down critical thinking
4. Increase distrust
5. Intensify division

“ Wise people don’t let others manipulate their thinking, behavior or results.

Today it is often being leveraged to convince you that “ALL“:

• ___  Executives are unwilling to receive feedback
• ___  Frontline employees are unwilling and unable to solve problems
• ___  Police Officers are unethical
• ___  Government offices are inefficient
• ___  Politicians are crooked
• ___  Home-schooled children are anti-social
• ___  Poor people are lazy
• ___  Wealthy people are selfish and greedy
• ___  Brown men are bad fathers
• ___  White men are racist
• ___  Saudi men are unwilling to support the dreams of their wives and daughters
• ___  Christians are hateful
• ___  Muslims are terrorists
• ___  Conservatives are racist
• ___  Liberals want to destroy your nation
• __________________________(Fill in the blank.)

What a list of word grenades! 

So why do we rage against being thrown into one of those boxes and labeled, and tossed aside?

And then judge ourselves by our intentions while failing to consider the intentions of others?

“ Sensible people listen to individuals and seek to understand.

Instead of just reading history, what if we LEARNED from it?

Propaganda has been used to impact thinking in every corner of the world, through all times.  Chains, paint, nakedness, skin color, smaller eyes, yellow stars, tattoos, head scarves, jewelry, the color of someone’s passport – have all been leveraged to convince people  that “everyone who looks human is not human.”

You don’t have to blindly accept everything and you don’t have to be manipulated by the “Box of ALL”.

Alarms should go off in every cell of your body when you hear that word in a conversation and see that word in print.

When those alarms are triggered:  Listen, research, and think.  Then challenge the narrative and help others see people instead of boxes.

“ Highly effective people tear off labels, kick open boxes, and bring people together.

Conversation Safari Workshops are designed to:

Help people challenge the narrative and while helping organizations engage people and grow.

Contact Chery to learn more 832-557-5327

Every human on the planet will be tempted by pride.

Behind that little word is a fire that has the power to destroy potential, character, callings, and lives.

Below are three critical things to remember, when pride woos you:

1. Your calling can become your idol if you let it

You were born with unique gifts and a big dream to serve others.

On your way to your big dream you may receive lots of positive feedback about what you are capable of, and your passion for your cause.

There is both sweetness and a danger in that praise:

• The sweetness comes with the affirmation that you were born for this.
• The danger comes when the positive press distracts you.

Distraction comes like a sudden craving. It is swift and subtle– and has the power to shift the focus of even the most humble and sincere.

In a flash, the hunger for more praise can become the driving reason you act. And as you feed that craving it consumes you. Making you less and less qualified and able to serve.

Ultimately replacing the people and the cause you care about with yourself.

“ When pride comes, then comes disgrace. —PROVERBS

2. Heed the wisdom of truth speakers

As you work to make your dream a reality you will meet people who believe in you, your potential and your vision.

Some of those people will also be able to see gaps in your skills, your choices or your character. (I know that’s uncomfortable. But you’re human and gaps are a part of the gig, so grit up and keep reading.)

If someone has the courage to speak to you about those gaps – consider:

• Have they taken the time to share this with you, because they believe you are worth investing in?
• What are you risking if you don’t carefully consider what they are sharing?
• What will you gain if you accept their coaching?

“ The one that hears correction, possesses wisdom. —PROVERBS

3. Protect yourself with a “strategic sandwich”

Imagine that you play professional football for a living.

• If you won game, after game, after game and everyone was praising your uncommon ability.  Would you be tempted, even a little bit, to believe the press you are getting?
• If you played a critical game terribly and received tons of negative press   Would you struggle, to recover?

When Tim Tebow was playing for the NFL, he protected his character from the dangers of pride with a “strategic sandwich” that would help him stay focused on the mission and on others when he was most vulnerable to the temptation of pride.

Tim started a foundation for critically ill children and would spend time before and after each game with children that had life threatening illnesses and their families.    

• Before he walked on the field to play a game he was reminded how precious life was, what a blessing it is to have the love and support of a family, and how much he had to be thankful for.
• When each game ended, no matter how he played, no matter how the team played, he was reminded again of all that he had been given.
• His time with those children and their families, helped him stay humble by keeping his focus on others instead of on himself.
• And each time he stepped onto the field, he would kneel to give thanks to the one that gave it all to him.

If you live your life as if everything is about you… You will be left with just that.  Just you.  -Toby Mac

How do you protect yourself from the woo of pride?

We’ve all been there…

When our boss hires a friend:

• Then the friend leverages that relationship to charm their way out of responsibility and accountability.

When laws are created for the good of all:

• But certain groups are consistently exempt from the law.

When an executive relocates:

• And thinks company policy does not apply to him.

Inconsistency is unfair and confusing.  It creates stress, erodes trust, increases frustration, wears people out, decreases ownership and limits potential.

On the flip side of that, fairness:

1. Helps people feel heard, seen and considered
2. Tears down walls of self-protection
3. Encourages conversations
4. Increases understanding
5. Builds trust
6. Fuels collaboration
7. Unleashes energy and engagement
8. Creates positive change
9. Builds momentum
10. Maximizes results

A leader I’ve admired for many years received this feedback when he decided to run for a public office, “I have known him a long time and have done business with him on several occasions. I have to say he always treated me fair. I did not always get my way, but he always, treated me fair. …That’s just the way he is and how he does business, fair & square.”

“ That kind of fairness: Positively impacts people, problem solving and growth.

Yet so many leaders fail to cultivate fairness in their organizations.

Patrick Lencioni points out one very important reason why titled leaders often avoid simple but effective solutions:

..Simple solutions usually require discipline and hard work over time, while the sophisticated ones seem like shiny silver bullets, capable of making a problem go away in one innovative shot.

“ Fairness is hard work.

It requires focus, effort, consistency, and humility.

But the impact is worth the effort.

Have you ever made a strategic effort to be consistent, fair and explainable?

If not – why not make it your goal for the New Year?  (2018 will be very different from 2017 if you do!)

Got a Leadership Question – Contact Chery

Some people and organizations hate conflict.

They fear:

1. Discomfort
2. Disagreements
3. Judgmental words
4. Explosive behavior
5. Relationships struggling or ending

Then they allow that fear to drive their results!

• Some feel victimized by the past and hold so tightly to those emotions that they experience less joy and less productivity.
• Others have rumbling fires of anger burning about present issues. Occasionally smoke seeps out as they vent to those closest to them. As those fires continue to grow everyone is at risk of their eventual eruption.
• Some are unwilling to learn an alternative way of dealing with conflict.
• Others don’t realize there is an alternative.
• And none realize that their choice to wait for the other party to change, is spreading growth-eating bacteria throughout their organization.

“ Unresolved conflict does not go away. —DAVID ROTH

9 Ways that the fear of conflict kills and destroys:

1. The ability to consider the needs of others is replaced with “self” first
2. Comfort zones become more important than the mission
3. Small problems are unaddressed and become big ones
4. New opportunities are avoided
5. Collaboration decreases
6. Energy, engagement and hope fade
7. Growth declines
8. People leave
9. It becomes harder and harder to simply maintain

“ Fear of conflict is a growth-eating bacteria that kills and destroys.

Learning how to engage in healthy conflict:

1. Builds confidence while increasing compassion
2. Keeps the focus on the mission
3. Limits the growth of problems
4. Unleashes opportunities
5. Fosters collaboration
6. Generates energy, engagement and hope
7. Fuels growth
8. Entices people
9. Multiplies possibilities and creates a stronger future

While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, a marriage, or a life, any single conversation can.  -Susan Scott

Want to learn how to have healthy conflict?   Check out the resources below:

1. Silos, Politics and Turf Wars
2. The Anatomy of Peace Book
3. Peacemakers Study
4. Fierce Conversations

Want to experience healthy and productive conflict?

A Conversation Safari is a workshop that merges the spirit and adventure of a real safari with an opportunity to dialogue with and learn from those that think differently than you do. …Helping you turn unaligned agendas & conflict into an adventure that fuels problem solving.

Conversation Safari’s are designed to help participants BALANCE the use of their brains AND their hearts. Resulting a dialogue that is fueled by critical thinking AND compassion.

Attendees leave with increased understanding, energy and hope.

Contact Chery to learn more about Conversation Safari’s.  

On Monday morning women from 9 different nations connected in an online Conversation Safari to explore the question… Are you being manipulated?

During that discussion, we talked about different kinds of manipulation.

1. Unintentional manipulation – like a guilt trip to get someone to do what you want him or her to do.
2. Intentional manipulation – when someone intentionally distorts facts for personal gain.
3. Intentional AND strategic manipulation – when someone strategically distorts facts, and creates disruption to accomplish a specific goal.

Most people on the call believe that intentional AND strategic manipulation happens more often than we realize.

A few days later I stumbled into a real life example of their point.

I was attending a public meeting and just before the meeting closed…

A woman took a seat in front of an elected official that has been manipulating facts and people.

As she spoke into the microphone, her statement shined a bright light on important details:

• First she quoted policy and reminded everyone in the room how disagreements and concerns were supposed to be handled.
• Then she listed specific dates and read exact quotes when this man had publically posted statements that were out of line with that policy.
• After reading each one of his quotes, she shared actual data from meeting minutes, and from emails that countered his false statements.

Her data made a huge impact:

• Filling in missing information that altered his stories completely.
• Supporting co-workers that he’d attacked.
• Effectively defending her own work.

She made each point with confidence, often looking up and making eye contact with the man that is used to intimidating others into silence.

As she spoke, his red face deepened in color.

His only verbal responses were to request a copy of what she read, and to ask if the meeting was over.

He made no attempt to explain or defend.  And provided no indication of shame, remorse or correction.

As women come together to stand against Weinstein’s abuse of power.  This one woman, was alone at the microphone.

Courageously standing against the behavior of  a titled leader that has been scheming to destroy truth, teamwork and individuals for his own gain.  

I don’t know what the future holds for that man, the people that work with him or the people that he was elected to serve.

But I do know this:  

“ Each of us has a responsibility to be truth detectives.

“ Check ALL the facts, and think critically.

“ Grit up and STAND for TRUTH!

-Regardless of the group you typically align yourself with.  

• (Loyalty to political party, religion, social network, co-workers, friends and even family –  should be second to TRUTH.)

Please share: Have you ever stood alone against a schemer?

If there is a schemer in your workplace, below are 9 tips to help you stand against and rise above their behavior.

You can be manipulated by:

• A boss, co-worker or an employee
• A family member or a friend
• An elected official or a dictator
• A religious authority
• The media or Hollywood

In our next Conversation Safari we will be discussing manipulation.  

Below are some of the questions and thoughts we will consider:

1. Have you ever been manipulated?  
2. By one person, a group of people or strangers?
   • “Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.” Eric Hoffer
3. When has it been unintentional? 
4. When has it been intentional?  (Maybe for personal gain without considering long-term consequences.)
5.  When has it been intentional AND strategic?  (To control people and results.)
   • Hitler believed that the skillful and unremitting use of propaganda could persuade people to believe that Heaven was Hell…
6. Do you always know when you are being manipulated? 
7. How is manipulation impacting your life and your environment?  
8. How do you respond when it happens?  
9. What can you do differently to discern when manipulation is happening and choose a wiser response?
   • “Belief can be manipulated. Only knowledge is dangerous.” ― Frank Herbert

Please share your thoughts about these questions and quotes in the comments.

After the Safari – I’ll share participant feedback in a new post on this blog.

TIP:  If you frequently lump everyone of a particular:

• Race
• Rationality
• Faith
• Political Party
• Uniform
• Position

…Into a single stereotype – You are failing to see them as people. -Anatomy of Peace Book

“ If you can’t see past the stereotype:  Has your thinking been manipulated?

You can change that and choose to become a truth detective: 

1. Take a break from the news, Hollywood, and the people you normally surround yourself with.
2. Dig deeper.  Read further.
3. Meet with others.  Listen first.  Then share your perspective.
4. Pray for discernment.
5. Share what you are learning.
6. Repeat the process.

“ A wise man will hear and increase learning. —PROVERBS