For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

We recently purchased a new home and immediately started adding to the garage.

The day the bricklayers came to add brick to the addition, something didn’t seem quite right…

I looked at it, thought it must be my eyes and walked away.

Then I turned around and came back out, looked at it again and it still didn’t seem quite right.

So I took a picture and then I was sure!

I forwarded the picture below to a few friends and didn’t tell them what to look for and just asked them what they saw.

Most of them saw it too…

Do you see it?

The new brick on the left side of this picture clearly does not match the brick on the house!

It could be redone, so not the end of the world right?

Except everything that needed to happen next was hinging on the brick being done. If the brick was not completed now– there would be a massive domino effect and we’d miss our targeted completion date. And then more domino’s would fall.  As I imagined the impact of each one falling, my adrenaline soared.

Trying to understand what happened, I imagined multiple scenarios:   

1. Did the contractor order the wrong brick?
   • They said no. They were certain they ordered correctly.
2. Did the brick company supply the wrong brick?
   • They said no. They were certain they supplied correctly.

…Except everyone agreed that it didn’t look right.

3. Even if the brick on the house had faded, it was still darker than the new brick. So that didn’t explain anything.

But wait a minute the brick in stacks, that were not on the house yet – did match the house.

4. So maybe the factory mislabeled one stack of the brick – and that just happened to be the stack that went on the back of the addition?

And then we washed the brick.  And guess what? It was indeed the right brick.

And now my brick wall will forever be a reminder that there will be times when:

1.  The truth is camouflaged.  

• I’ve met more than one executive that could not see the truth about the behavior of those closest to them – even when others tried repeatedly to tell them.
• In the book Picking Cotton, Jennifer Thompson Cannino and Ronald Cotton tell the story of her rape, and his false conviction. Because of what the truth “appeared” to be.  Ronald’s build and facial features were similar to those of the actual rapist.  So it was easier for everyone to believe it was him, than to spend more time thoroughly investigating all possibilities.

2.   We need to breathe first, take our time and examine the issue from every angle. 

• Companies have collapsed when titled leaders have been unwilling to dig into issues that took time, and made them uncomfortable.
• Individuals have been falsely accused and imprisoned because broken systems and those in power would not allow a DNA test to be performed.
• Entire groups of people have been treated as if they are less than human because of widely spread urban legends that are believed instead of being investigated.
• Innocent people in our society and in politics are often victimized because it is easier to believe the thing we fear.  And so much harder to dig deeper.

When something interrupts what we expect, we need to ask ourselves what matters more: The truth, our comfort or our ego? And then be willing to consider the possibility that we might be wrong and do a bit more research.

“ When truth is camouflaged:  Innocent people are victimized and others are duped.

“ When the truth is camouflaged:  Smaller issues become big ones.

3.  We should own our mistakes, apologize if necessary, learn from it and move on.

• Sometimes humble pie serves as reminder not to assume the worst about a situation or the outcome. Encouraging us to remember to dig deeper and to control our own thinking and behavior while we are digging.

Please share: Have you ever been 100% sure that you were right – and then discovered that you were wrong?  What did you learn?

I recently visited a high school that has invested years teaching their students to be activists.

While that effort alone is impressive.  The uncommon skill they are teaching, and modeling for the students is even more so.

Through instruction and experience, their students are learning that a healthy culture is a balanced culture.  And that in a balanced culture it is possible to think critically and to be compassionate.

They are learning how to shine a bright light on truth with data and personal experiences.  …While getting involved with, and loving people that have made choices they disagree with.

They are engaging people and growing their cause because of their unique approach.  And the impact they are having on the students, families and the community is beyond impressive.

What those students and their families may not realize:

• Is that it is uncommon it is to learn to balance challenging concepts.
• This skill will benefit every part of their lives in the years to come.  (As individuals. with their families, in the businesses and non profits they will serve and within the communities and nation they will live in.)

Now imagine the cultures you are a part of: 

“ Is a balanced culture part of your strategy to improve engagement and growth?

Are Truth and Love strategically poured into the foundation and the future?

Is Vision balanced with Ownership?

• Do you have a vision?
• Does everyone know why it is important? And how they impact the vision?
• Is it clearly and frequently communicated both internally and externally?
• Is that vision used to guide decisions or to decorate walls?
• Are all teams measured on goals that support that vision – or are they forced to fight each other and work against the vision to accomplish their objectives?
• How often do they experience uncommon synergy and results?
• Are all people empowered and unleashed to bring their best to your organization?
• Does everyone listen to and respond to your customers, members or citizens?

Is EVERYONE unleashed to make the greatest difference possible?

When that happens, people at every level take ownership of the opportunities they see and:

• Individuals have more freedom, energy, commitment and growth
• Teams experience greater collaboration, synergy, engagement and results
• Customers are valued, honored, and continually amazed

Is Accountability balanced with Compassion?

Are all wafts of smoke followed to the source and fires are extinguished before they spread?

Do Smoke-Chasers:

• Seek the whole truth about opportunities in the organization?
• Weigh everything against the company vision, mission and values?
• Confront internal barriers that are preventing titled leaders from listening and responding to employees or from communicating & problem solving with peers?
• Balance consistency with fairness in their conversations and decision making?
• Treat people with respect – regardless of their title, personality style or behavior?
• Address inappropriate behavior – “Boss babies” grow up or leave, Manipulators change or go?
• Help their organizations overcome challenges and grow:  Often reducing risk, increasing efficiency and maximizing results without added expense?

Those who build strong balanced cultures are rewarded with uncommon:  

• Engagement: Their people are committed, and energized.
• Growth: Because they’re leveraging the wisdom and passion of many.

On Monday morning women from 9 different nations connected in an online Conversation Safari to explore the question… Are you being manipulated?

During that discussion, we talked about different kinds of manipulation.

1. Unintentional manipulation – like a guilt trip to get someone to do what you want him or her to do.
2. Intentional manipulation – when someone intentionally distorts facts for personal gain.
3. Intentional AND strategic manipulation – when someone strategically distorts facts, and creates disruption to accomplish a specific goal.

Most people on the call believe that intentional AND strategic manipulation happens more often than we realize.

A few days later I stumbled into a real life example of their point.

I was attending a public meeting and just before the meeting closed…

A woman took a seat in front of an elected official that has been manipulating facts and people.

As she spoke into the microphone, her statement shined a bright light on important details:

• First she quoted policy and reminded everyone in the room how disagreements and concerns were supposed to be handled.
• Then she listed specific dates and read exact quotes when this man had publically posted statements that were out of line with that policy.
• After reading each one of his quotes, she shared actual data from meeting minutes, and from emails that countered his false statements.

Her data made a huge impact:

• Filling in missing information that altered his stories completely.
• Supporting co-workers that he’d attacked.
• Effectively defending her own work.

She made each point with confidence, often looking up and making eye contact with the man that is used to intimidating others into silence.

As she spoke, his red face deepened in color.

His only verbal responses were to request a copy of what she read, and to ask if the meeting was over.

He made no attempt to explain or defend.  And provided no indication of shame, remorse or correction.

As women come together to stand against Weinstein’s abuse of power.  This one woman, was alone at the microphone.

Courageously standing against the behavior of  a titled leader that has been scheming to destroy truth, teamwork and individuals for his own gain.  

I don’t know what the future holds for that man, the people that work with him or the people that he was elected to serve.

But I do know this:  

“ Each of us has a responsibility to be truth detectives.

“ Check ALL the facts, and think critically.

“ Grit up and STAND for TRUTH!

-Regardless of the group you typically align yourself with.  

• (Loyalty to political party, religion, social network, co-workers, friends and even family –  should be second to TRUTH.)

Please share: Have you ever stood alone against a schemer?

If there is a schemer in your workplace, below are 9 tips to help you stand against and rise above their behavior.

You can be manipulated by:

• A boss, co-worker or an employee
• A family member or a friend
• An elected official or a dictator
• A religious authority
• The media or Hollywood

In our next Conversation Safari we will be discussing manipulation.  

Below are some of the questions and thoughts we will consider:

1. Have you ever been manipulated?  
2. By one person, a group of people or strangers?
   • “Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.” Eric Hoffer
3. When has it been unintentional? 
4. When has it been intentional?  (Maybe for personal gain without considering long-term consequences.)
5.  When has it been intentional AND strategic?  (To control people and results.)
   • Hitler believed that the skillful and unremitting use of propaganda could persuade people to believe that Heaven was Hell…
6. Do you always know when you are being manipulated? 
7. How is manipulation impacting your life and your environment?  
8. How do you respond when it happens?  
9. What can you do differently to discern when manipulation is happening and choose a wiser response?
   • “Belief can be manipulated. Only knowledge is dangerous.” ― Frank Herbert

Please share your thoughts about these questions and quotes in the comments.

After the Safari – I’ll share participant feedback in a new post on this blog.

TIP:  If you frequently lump everyone of a particular:

• Race
• Rationality
• Faith
• Political Party
• Uniform
• Position

…Into a single stereotype – You are failing to see them as people. -Anatomy of Peace Book

“ If you can’t see past the stereotype:  Has your thinking been manipulated?

You can change that and choose to become a truth detective: 

1. Take a break from the news, Hollywood, and the people you normally surround yourself with.
2. Dig deeper.  Read further.
3. Meet with others.  Listen first.  Then share your perspective.
4. Pray for discernment.
5. Share what you are learning.
6. Repeat the process.

“ A wise man will hear and increase learning. —PROVERBS

In business, families, faith-based organizations and communities I’ve continuously witnessed the power of these words:

Together WE STAND. Divided WE FALL.

Prior to moving to Saudi Arabia, my focus on divisive current events was growing. …As was my determination to find ways to bring people together to find solutions.

So I began sharing this dream with others:

In Saudi, my neighbors were from more than 50 nations.   In living rooms and coffee shops we began to move from surface level conversations to in depth discussions. Which ultimately led to the creation of Conversation Safari’s.  Attendees courageously engaged in deep discussions with people from culturally and historically opposing perspectives. And left feeling accepted, listened to, intellectually stimulated, energized, and hopeful.

Since returning to America the divides in our nation are being emphasized so often that we rarely hear anything positive. As a result, I often hear people expressing their concern about the division and their lack of hope for our future.

If you are feeling a lack of hope, this post is to encourage you.

I do have hope because more and more people are turning difficult topics into productive discussions. Besides those women in Saudi, my friends and family here, and the groups I’ve been speaking to since my return – Below are a few recent examples of people that are making this a priority:

1.  Friends with polar opposite political views and what they did about it  
   If you can’t see this video in your RSS reader or email, then click here.
2. How a move from a red state to a blue state challenged comfort zones and perceptions
3. Activists on opposing sides – That made an uncommon choice and realized that what they have in common is greater than what separates them.  
   If you can’t see this video in your RSS reader or email, then click here.
4. A group that seeks to do something similar to a Conversation Safari over dinner.

Now it’s up to you.

1. You can fret and worry about where our world is headed
2. Or you can be the change you’d like to see

To learn more about how you can host a Bridge Building Retreat or a Conversation Safari contact Chery:

Please let me know what YOU decide to do!  

“ Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak, courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. —W. CHURCHILL

“ Bridge builders close gaps between people and purpose.

Bridge Builders listen to the perspectives of others, instead of fearing their knowledge, experiences and convictions.

With vision, respect and wisdom they connect:

• Front lines and executives
• Teams across silos
• Customers and the organizations that serve them
• Individuals
• Communities
• Nations

As a result, productive conversations across races, religions, and even cultural and political differences are possible.

Bridge Builders:

1. See people not labels
2. Step into the tension between what is, and what could be
3. Explore instead of interrogating
4. Listen to what is NOT being said, as much as what IS being said
5. Recognize pain points
6. Teach truth seeking and critical thinking
7. Increase compassion and understanding
8. Emphasize common ground
9. Encourage collaboration
10. Facilitate problem solving

When a bridge is built:

• People collaborate instead of blocking progress
• Solutions are found
• Healing begins
• Hope is restored
• Growth happens
• Synergy is unleashed
• More bridges are constructed

Our families, workplaces and world need more bridge builders.

If you’d like to make a greater difference, follow the links below to learn more about building bridges with those around you:

• Your boss
• Executives
• Employees
• Peers
• Customers
• A very diverse group of people and opposing views
• A family member that thinks differently
• A new contact who thinks differently
• A complete stranger who thinks differently

Please share:  How has a bridge builder helped you to consider another perspective?  How has that new perspective changed your thinking, your behavior, or your results?

“ Have you ever overlooked someone’s honesty because of their skills?

Once upon a time I worked for a charismatic leader with a serious set of skills. Someone I learned from constantly and deeply admired …

• Until I caught him in a lie.
• And then a second one.
• A third one.
• A fourth one.
• And finally a fifth one.

“ Follow the smoke… Before it becomes a fire! #CharacterMatters

The crazy part was – I wasn’t hunting for lies. I literally kept tripping into them – all five in a very short amount of time after years of working together.

When I confronted for the last time. He said, “I don’t know how you keep finding these things out.” No denial. No excuses. No apology.

A short time later – I “fired him” by turning in my notice.

Titled leaders and employees can all be tempted to overlook honesty because of skill.

As a titled leader:

Have you ever hired someone – after it became clear that they lied in their interview?

• A seemingly tiny lie – like where they lived
• A bigger lie – like how long they’d held a job
• A bold lie – like having more education or experience than they do

How did that decision impact:

• Your business?
• Your customers?
• Your employees?
• You?

Would you do it again?

One really bad hire: Has created distrust, destroyed teams, chased customers away, killed profits – and eventually brought down the hiring managers that overlooked those lies.

Have you ever discovered that someone lied to you on their resume or application after you hired them?

• Do they still work for you?

Have you ever found out that someone falsified a report at work?

• What did you do?
• What message did you send to your other employees about the importance of integrity?

I’ve heard hiring managers justify skills over character, sales managers defend profit over truth and HR managers declare that they don’t legislate morality.

On the flip side of that, is the stand that Financial Guru Dave Ramsey has taken with his employees. If any of them cheat on their spouse they are terminated. He believes if someone will cheat on the person that is supposed to be the most important person in their lives – they will cheat on anything.  And that lack of character will ultimately impact other employees, the workplace and his customers.

As a prospective employee:

Have you ever overlooked the character of the company because you had too much invested already?

• Have you ever discovered that the company that you just accepted a position with – is lying to you?
• What did you do?

This post describes a situation one of my expat neighbors faced two days prior to moving to Saudi Arabia.

As an employee:

Have you ever learned alarming things about the character of the company you just started working for?

• What did you do?

Have you ever allowed your character to be manipulated by a bully?

• Has your hiring manager ever demanded that you do something – and won’t put that demand in writing?
• Did you stand up to them – in spite of their anger?

People have lost everything from vacations to their jobs because they didn’t stand.  Choosing to stand may also result in no job, but it doesn’t violate your conscience or tarnish your character.

Looking for a speaker or a facilitator for your next event?  

Chery helps people and organizations accomplish their mission by facilitating truth-seeking, listening, dialogue, collaboration and growth:

1. People work through divisive issues
2. Students and professionals develop critical life and leadership skills
3. Followers of Jesus find Biblical responses to the news and division in our world

Chery, Today was a hit! You were a delight and commanded the attention of all. We’ll be a better company. The feedback has been fantastic! Thank you for sharing your time with us.

–Teresa Knox, Founder and Former CEO – Community Care College, Clary Sage College, OK Technical College

Check out what others are saying

Titled leaders and employees are happier and more successful when they learn how to have discussions that include deep listening and truth telling.   A failure to do either one equals missed opportunities for learning and growth.  (This is also true for family and community members.)

As a result,  I’ve been encouraging listening, thinking, and dialogue with increasing frequency and leveraging current events as examples of how we can do this.

As you watch the news, are you ever so aware of the pain and the division in our world that it is hard to think about anything else?  

Recently in my home country:  

• A woman was set on fire because of her faith.
• Two other women were punched because of their faith.
• Bombs were set off and people were stabbed for their faith.
• A man was killed because of the color of his skin.
• Several men were killed because of the uniform they wear.

Some have responded with fear and hate for everyone that is not like them. 

Others deny that any problem exists and encourage blind acceptance.  

Do we really have only two options???

What if you learned to walk through those fears to seek truth and understanding?

What if you sat at a table with people that aren’t the same color as you, don’t have the same religion as you, don’t wear the same uniform as you and actually talked about the things you are concerned about?  

The goal is NOT to win or to convince someone of your point of view.

The objective IS to:

• Consider another perspective
• Deepen your understanding
• Give you a reason to read more about both sides of the issue
• Have more discussions

If you are not sure how to get started, the discussion starters below are a good place to begin:  

• How do you experience racism today?
• Is there any one term that everyone agrees with that is an acceptable descriptive word for people of color?
• How do you know if someone’s intention is hateful or earnest desire to find the right descriptive word?
• Please share your experiences and emotions on days that terrorist attacks are committed:
  • As a citizen:  In the country it happened and/or in another country observing it from afar
  • As a member of the faith community:  That was attacked and/or as a member of the same faith as the attackers

“ Peacemakers: Balance Truth with Love

The more I do this, the more I discover how hungry people are for these types of conversations…

These are some of the takeaways from discussions that are taking place in living rooms and over lunch tables:

• Racism isn’t always open and in your face, sometimes it is as subtle as sexual harassment. You may know in your gut that is the intention but sometimes it is hard to define.
• Negative past experiences with a particular word or a particular “group” of people makes it challenging for us to hear that word or to engage with that group of people again.
• We all want to be safe and we all experience fear.  Some fear of being the victim.  While others fear being persecuted because of the hateful actions of others that just happen to look like them.  (Skin color, uniform, or religion.)

In spite of the urban legend that it is unwise to talk about some of these topics…

• These discussions have not ended in energy sapping behaviors.  There has been no shouting at those who disagree and no venting to those that do agree.  Instead, the people that have engaged in this process are anticipating a discovery, sharing their curiosity, listening with compassion, pondering deep learning’s, building relationships and leaving these discussions with great energy and hope.

On October 4th we’re launching Conversation Safaris on our International Compound to encourage these kinds of discussions between people from more than 40 nations and a variety of faith backgrounds.

Would you like to join us?  You can start Conversations Safaris in your living room, your dining room table, or at a larger venue in your community.  If you need help getting started.  Please email your questions to chery@consultgiana.com.

Imagine learning that a very obstinate peer is going to become your new boss. Yes – the opinionated one that is like a dog with a bone and just won’t drop a subject, and almost always opposes your point of view.

To say you are concerned is an understatement! That overwhelming dread you are feeling is fueled by RAW FEAR.

Two years after you survive that transition, you look back and realize:

1. Your boss allowed you to express opposing ideas without fear: Yes – you disagreed a lot, both passionately and emphatically, but never disrespectfully. In spite of holding wildly opposing views– you were always allowed to speak your truth even if it was the opposite of what your boss was thinking. And he of course, always shared his opinions.

“ A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart. —PROVERBS

2. Even though you didn’t always agree – he had your back: In the time that you worked for him you faced two huge issues. One would have impacted your personal life in a major way, and the other was impacting your professional life. In both cases you needed to be heard, and you needed someone at a higher level to stand with you. And he rose to the occasion without hesitation, without fear, without wavering. He not only got your back, he was instrumental in making the necessary change happen.

3. He made wiser decisions – because you weren’t a “yes” man. Instead of telling him what you thought he wanted to hear you gave your honest opinion and backed it up with lots of data.

“ The best ideas emerge when very different perspectives meet. —FRANS JOHANSSON

4. Your strengths made him look good: Knowing that he heard you, respected you and had your back – motivated you to willingly leverage your greatest strengths to support him at a higher level – often reminding him about deadlines and details that he was not on top of.

5. You were a great team. As you played to each other’s strengths, your entire team became more effective and more productive.

Focusing on strengths is the surest way to greater job satisfaction, team performance and organizational excellence. Marcus Buckingham

Please share:  Have you ever been filled with dread when you learned who your new boss would be?  …What happened?