For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

Have you ever:

• Participated in conversations about the behavior of certain titled leaders?
• Expressed frustration at situations that seem corrupt, not in line with core values or unfair?
• Wondered why opportunities to problem solve and improve the future were not taken?

Have you ever spoken these words, “Why doesn’t “someone” do something?”  

When the change you want to see isn’t happening “out there”… 

“ What if, YOU are “the someone” that everyone is waiting for?

Below are 21 Reasons that it might be time for YOU to Take Action:

AT WORK – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Decrease silos
2. Increase employee engagement and retention
3. Increase customer satisfaction
4. Reduce expenses
5. Reduce risk
6. Limit layoffs
7. Increase profit

IN YOUR COMMUNITY – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Build stronger relationships
2. Work together on a shared vision
3. Increase involvement
4. Communicate more effectively
5. Improve the quality of life
6. Increase safety
7. Create a stronger future

IN YOUR NATION – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Increase ownership
2. Improve accountability
3. Improve collaboration
4. Grow trust
5. Decrease inefficiency and waste
6. Improve results
7. Make the vision a reality

If you see any of those opportunities.  If you’ve ever said those words.  Who are you waiting for? 

Yes it takes courage to lead up, but…

“ If not YOU, then WHO? #LeadChange

I am convinced that most of the answers workplaces, communities and nations are seeking today are lying dormant inside of their employees, customer and suppliers. …Just waiting to be discovered and unleashed.

Learn More About Leading Up Here

A friend recently had an appointment with a doctor. The doctor started to prescribe medicine to treat the symptoms of a gut issue.

So the patient advocated for herself. She reminded the doctor that she has additional medical issues that are bigger than the gut issue. She has osteoporosis and needs a stronger skeletal system and this medicine will make her bones weaker.

The doctor heard her concern and thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess you need to look at the whole picture.”

“ When we treat the symptoms of one part we can actually increase the problems for other parts.

At work and in our world is easy to focus on one piece of the puzzle:

• What is happening right now
• The goals that are not being met
• How we are being impacted
• The things we fear
• The causes we care about

“ When we seek first to understand we begin to see the other pieces of the puzzle.

The piece versus the whole:

Firing that long-term formerly high-performing employee. But not evaluating what has changed or what could be done about it.

Setting individual performance goals for employees that conflict with company objectives. But not evaluating why either the people or the company continually miss the mark.

Asking industry leaders to attend an advisory meeting so your school can continue to be accredited.   But telling them what you do, instead of asking for them what they need you to be teaching.

Spending millions of dollars to create a new program for your company without promoting the benefits of this new program to your sales team or your customers. But when sales goals aren’t achieved, that program is thrown out the window instead of leveraging it as the competitive edge that it is.

Arguing about if it is ok to kneel during the national anthem or not. …But not talking about how we work together to continue to close the gap between our country’s vision and our reality.

Debating compassion for future refugees versus national security as if they are the only pieces in the puzzle. But not investing that same level of energy to examine how current immigrants receive support and direction.  Resulting in missed opportunities to collaborate and accomplish both goals while helping people fall in love with their new home.

“ It is much more effective to examine the whole picture before we begin prescribing solutions.

Do you make decisions based on one or two pieces of a puzzle?  Or do you intentionally step back and examine the whole picture first?

Need help focusing on the whole picture?  Contact Chery to learn more.   

We’ve all been there…

When our boss hires a friend:

• Then the friend leverages that relationship to charm their way out of responsibility and accountability.

When laws are created for the good of all:

• But certain groups are consistently exempt from the law.

When an executive relocates:

• And thinks company policy does not apply to him.

Inconsistency is unfair and confusing.  It creates stress, erodes trust, increases frustration, wears people out, decreases ownership and limits potential.

On the flip side of that, fairness:

1. Helps people feel heard, seen and considered
2. Tears down walls of self-protection
3. Encourages conversations
4. Increases understanding
5. Builds trust
6. Fuels collaboration
7. Unleashes energy and engagement
8. Creates positive change
9. Builds momentum
10. Maximizes results

A leader I’ve admired for many years received this feedback when he decided to run for a public office, “I have known him a long time and have done business with him on several occasions. I have to say he always treated me fair. I did not always get my way, but he always, treated me fair. …That’s just the way he is and how he does business, fair & square.”

“ That kind of fairness: Positively impacts people, problem solving and growth.

Yet so many leaders fail to cultivate fairness in their organizations.

Patrick Lencioni points out one very important reason why titled leaders often avoid simple but effective solutions:

..Simple solutions usually require discipline and hard work over time, while the sophisticated ones seem like shiny silver bullets, capable of making a problem go away in one innovative shot.

“ Fairness is hard work.

It requires focus, effort, consistency, and humility.

But the impact is worth the effort.

Have you ever made a strategic effort to be consistent, fair and explainable?

If not – why not make it your goal for the New Year?  (2018 will be very different from 2017 if you do!)

Got a Leadership Question – Contact Chery

(True Story!)

Imagine being a new Office Manager for a small company. The first day on the job your new boss, a.k.a the owner, meets you at the office.  He stays there for the morning and then leaves.

The other employees work afternoons and weekends. So you’re in a new role, in a new industry. You’re alone at the office, answering phones, and trying to create a weekend work schedule for people you have never met, with less than 4 hours of “training.”

Logic says that you should not be surprised when that first busy weekend goes south. But your new boss loses it!

He’s in his mid forties, tall, long legged and thin. Now his string bean legs are stomping around the office, while he is hollering, blaming and yes – he even throws a pen across the room in frustration. (Not at you – thankfully!) But wow!  Just wow!

If his behavior weren’t so immature and shocking – you would have doubled over in laughter at how crazy he looked!

In the heat of the moment you could decide that you have no desire to work for this Boss Baby.  And you could walk out the door, put in your notice, begin updating your resume…

Or you could make some uncommon choices:

1. Grit up and speak truth with grace:  Speaking softly but firmly, remind him that the jobs that are going south right now won’t be saved by yelling and blaming. And start exploring options to save those jobs.
2. Take the HEAT: Call disappointed and angry customers. (Before they call you.) Listen carefully and let them know that you Hear them, and Empathize with them. Apologize and explain that you will Take action, and explain what you will do to prevent this issue in the future. (Clients saved.)
3. Unleash common sense and develop the organization: Meet with the new boss and the employees to get a clearer understanding of the logistical challenges, and the strengths and weaknesses of each team member.
4. Train, build, monitor and continuously improve: Train employees and create processes to make their jobs easier and more efficient. Put procedures in place that improve communication with customers and monitor ongoing opportunities for improvement.

The rest of the story…

This Office Manager began to understand that the boss really wanted to be the vision guy that came up with ideas, made investments and then stepped aside to let others run the company.

The “toddler” began to grow: By staying calm, speaking truth and creating strong supportive processes for the employees and the customers – the Office Manager created an environment that helped the inner child in her boss grow up.

Employees and customers were happier and less stressed: As they consistently received clear direction and stronger support.

The Office Manager reaped what she had sown: Each year, as the company grew, her value increased. And she was frequently surprised with raises and additional benefits.

Your turn:

• How do you handle temper tantrums at the office?
• How has a titled leader’s poor behavior impacted employees, customers and results?
• What happened to that titled leader, their employees and their customers?

This is a piece of a puzzle.

-A PIECE of something greater than itself.

This piece is important.

-Without it, the picture is INCOMPLETE.

This piece is filled with critical clues about the WHOLE picture.

-But it will never be able to tell the story alone.

Each piece must be heard.

-But must NOT be the only perspective we consider.

ONE piece emphasizes:

My team

My budget

My knowledge

My experiences

My perspectives

My goals

-ME!

SEVERAL pieces provide more clues:

-But still fail to tell the whole story.

Our corner – Our people

Our side – Our needs

-Are more important than yours.

When ALL the pieces start asking:

Where are we going?

What do you see?

What do you know?

How can we help each other?

The picture becomes clear.

-And each piece becomes WHOLE.

“ Bridge builders close gaps between people and purpose.

Bridge Builders listen to the perspectives of others, instead of fearing their knowledge, experiences and convictions.

With vision, respect and wisdom they connect:

• Front lines and executives
• Teams across silos
• Customers and the organizations that serve them
• Individuals
• Communities
• Nations

As a result, productive conversations across races, religions, and even cultural and political differences are possible.

Bridge Builders:

1. See people not labels
2. Step into the tension between what is, and what could be
3. Explore instead of interrogating
4. Listen to what is NOT being said, as much as what IS being said
5. Recognize pain points
6. Teach truth seeking and critical thinking
7. Increase compassion and understanding
8. Emphasize common ground
9. Encourage collaboration
10. Facilitate problem solving

When a bridge is built:

• People collaborate instead of blocking progress
• Solutions are found
• Healing begins
• Hope is restored
• Growth happens
• Synergy is unleashed
• More bridges are constructed

Our families, workplaces and world need more bridge builders.

If you’d like to make a greater difference, follow the links below to learn more about building bridges with those around you:

• Your boss
• Executives
• Employees
• Peers
• Customers
• A very diverse group of people and opposing views
• A family member that thinks differently
• A new contact who thinks differently
• A complete stranger who thinks differently

Please share:  How has a bridge builder helped you to consider another perspective?  How has that new perspective changed your thinking, your behavior, or your results?

On November 15th, twenty-eight women from a variety of races, nations and religions gathered together for a Conversation Safari.  The plan was to dive into divisive current events and the fears that drive our emotions, our behaviors and our results.

Our topic had been planned for months based on several private conversations:

• I’d had with a Muslim neighbor
• And several different conversations I’d had with ladies that will always have a better tan than I do

In each of those private conversations we shared fears, we felt each other’s pain, and considered new perspectives.

(The date of our event had been chosen because of some scheduling conflicts, not because of a master strategy.  But when November 9th rolled around and the election results from the U.S. hit the airwaves – fear in across the world and in the expat sandbox grew.  Our topic could not have been more perfectly timed.)

• One of the women I had met with during the summer shared what was happening at the University that her son attends in the U.S.
• Other neighbors were posting deep concern for their safety in the world
• While other friends in the U.S. were sharing deep concerns about racism and bigotry

The morning of the event, each lady that attended agreed to:

• Share what makes them feel angry and fearful – beyond the election
• Be courageous and open, even if they were uncomfortable
• Bring compassion, curiosity and a spirit of adventure – instead of a desire to win a debate

Each one shared their perspectives

and listened to others.

Some cried, and all laughed, loved, and learned.

After sharing what made each one angry and fearful…  I had been given permission to share the following story from one of those private conversations…

A brlliant, compassionate and beautiful African woman is in an environment where she is often treated as less because of the color of her skin.  One day a neighbor called her a Negro – to her face.  The pain that word caused, still shines in her eyes when she shares the details of that event.

Once the ladies in the room had a few minutes to process her pain, we compared that to another true story…

A white woman that is in her late 60’s was raised in a very rural part of the U.S.. It was so rural that she was 20 years old before she saw a person of color in real life.

Because of her environment and age, this woman used the word Negro as recently as two years ago, as a descriptive term.  (Much like people use the words Caucasian or Hispanic, tall or short – not understanding how much pain it can cause.)

-This white woman cares about her brothers and sisters, regardless of their skin color and wants to understand at a higher level.  But she is unsure how to connect.

Not long ago, she and her husband visited the Southern part of the U.S. and took a tour of slave history.  They were the only white people on the tour.  She was heartbroken by what she saw and disappointed that more white people weren’t there, and even more disappointed about how awkward and uncomfortable it was.  She didn’t know how to express her desire to learn, and the rest of the people on the tour were more than a little suspicious of her presence.

No matter which side of the story we relate to, how do we really know:

• When someone’s intent is malicious?
• If they don’t know what they don’t know?
• Or if they just aren’t sure how to express their compassion and desire to learn?

“ If you are seeking to understand, it’s really ok to say…“I care, I want to know more, I’m outside my comfort zone and I don’t know what to ask.”

Then we discussed a TED Talk about a Muslim woman who lived in the U.S on Sept 11, 2001.  All day long, she experienced great fear about being blamed and persecuted for something that others did.  Instead of her worst fears coming true, she received amazing care and support from her community.

And we compared her experience that day to:

• The experience of one of the Muslim ladies in the room – Who was living Australia far away from her home country of Pakistan for the first time.  Navigating a new culture on her own, far from her father and her husband.  She was treated badly that day – not because she did anything wrong, but because some people were fearing all Muslims, based on the actions of a few.
• My experience – Living in the 4^th largest city in the U.S and not knowing one Muslim. Not one.  The day the planes hit, I was on a business trip in a different state. So my focus was on the safety and security of our country and my loved ones, supporting the co-workers I was with, and getting home to my husband.  …And it never occurred to me to wonder what innocent Muslims were experiencing.  

  “ What would happen if we paused to hear each other’s stories and consider other perspectives?

After meeting with one of my Muslim neighbors this summer – she shared this video with me.

• It emphasizes the temptations we all face in the midst of divisive and terrifying issues
• And recommends an uncommon solution – that each one of us can act on immediately

So before our safari ended the entire group watched it.

As fear-filled news swirls around us, and the world trys to convince us that we have to choose a side… We can choose to:

• Stay in our comfort zones and continually dwell on our anger and fear
• Talk endlessly to people who are angry and fearful of the same things we are – which only increase the size of our monsters
• Sit in judgment of those who don’t side with us

OR

• Stop feeding the anger and fear in our thoughts and our conversations
• Leave our comfort zones and seek to understand those have different stories and perspectives
• Share what we are learning with others

One choice fuels despair, the other fuels hope.

“ What if…  We intentionally and strategically chose love over fear?

CLICK HERE to find out how you can participate in our launch of CONVERSATION Safaris in Greater Houston Nov 6, 2018

*An important mention:  In one of our Safari’s I was asked if it was ok to say “white people” to describe my race.  It was an instant bonding moment for the entire room as we recognized how challenging and uncomfortable it is to have these conversations.  Imagine asking someone about a physical or cognitive challenge, or how to properly describe someone’s race, nationality or religion…  There are very few words that all people agree on.  If we all understand that – it is easier to offer each other grace and keep learning!

Image Credits:  Ghadeer El-Nadoury

Our world needs people who can lead positive change!

It requires unshakable vision, grit and character.  Recently I’ve been watching a story develop in the U.S. that is worth studying – Even if you don’t live there.

For those that aren’t aware of this story, this is a quick look at the facts:  

Colin Kapernick is a professional football player that recently decided to exercise some of the freedom our country grants everyone.

He decided to stay seated during our national anthem, as the rest of the stadium stood and honored our flag and our country.

Colin says he is protesting because, “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”

His decision created a lot of heated debate with some people criticizing his patriotism, some people defending his right to protest and others applauding his reason for protesting.

It did not take long to discover that Colin chose to wear socks with pictures of pigs in police uniforms during practice, which caused more debate.

A short time later he met with a Nate Boyer, a former Green Beret Soldier and professional football player with his own passion for freeing the oppressed. Their conversation resulted in Colin’s decision to kneel; instead of sitting the next time the National Anthem was played.

Colin has also indicated that he will donate $1 Million to help those affected by police injustices.

Lessons for Change Leaders:

ACKNOWLEDGE THE GAP BETWEEN WHAT IS AND WHAT COULD BE:  Although our country has made significant progress towards our vision, we aren’t there yet. (I’ve written about that gap before and made suggestions about actions that each of us can take to close that gap.)

LEVERAGE RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO YOU:  All U.S. citizens have the right to speak out on any issue and to peacefully assemble. Although I can’t imagine not standing for our anthem, our uncommon freedom gives Colin the right to protest in this way.

LISTEN TO OTHERS:  Colin deeply considered Nate Boyer’s perspective and decided that as his protest continues he will kneel instead of sitting. His new choice demonstrates respect while protesting.

THE CONTENT OF YOUR CHARACTER MATTERS:  Wearing socks with pigs in police uniforms is antagonistic, and indicates that ALL police officers are contributing to the problem. It also implies that the public is never wrong and should never be accountable for their choices and actions. This choice did nothing to facilitate healing or change. Instead it fueled more division and causes police officers to be more defensive and fearful of the kind of behavior that Colin appears to be encouraging.

STAY FOCUSED ON THE SOLUTION: Making a donation to victims of injustice is compassionate. But it focuses only on what has gone wrong instead of helping things to change for the better. All change leaders need to ask themselves, “Are my actions helping to facilitate a solution?”

CELEBRATE PROGRESS:  Our focus drives our behavior and our behavior drives our results. If we spend all of our time and energy talking about what isn’t working, instead of remembering how far we have come, we will be discouraged and angry.   And those negative emotions will continue to fuel negative results and increase the size of the gap.

Harvard sociologist Orlando Patterson is known for his work regarding issues of race. He has said that “America, is now the least racist white-majority society in the world; has a better record of legal protections of minorities than any other society, white or black; and offers more opportunities to a greater number of black persons than any other society, including all of those of Africa.”

That’s something to focus on and celebrate while we continue to work to close the gap.

KEEP GOING:  Just like sports teams that must continue to practice to improve, change leaders celebrate their achievements and then keep working!

CONNECT THE TRUTH BETWEEN THE EXTREMES:  Bias exists both consciously and unconsciously. As change leaders discover connection points, they draw people in from both extremes and illuminate opportunities to work together.

 Montrell Jackson personally lived between those extremes. He was a black man and a police officer. In the two-week time between Anton Sterling’s shooting and the ambush that took his life, Montrell shared some of his thoughts and feelings in Facebook post that went viral after his death. “I’m tired physically and emotionally. Disappointed in some family, friends and officers for some reckless comments but hey what’s in your heart is in your heart. I still love you all because hate takes too much energy but I definitely won’t be looking at you the same. Thank you to everyone that has reached out to me or my wife it was needed and much appreciated. I swear to God I love this city but I wonder if this city loves me. In uniform I get nasty hateful looks and out of uniform some consider me a threat…”

 “There are those who see humanely and those who don’t in every country and faith community.  Lumping everyone of a particular race, culture, religion or uniform, into a single stereotype is a way of failing to see them as people.” -Anatomy of Peace Book (Italics mine.)

 People on both extremes of this issue, are failing to see each other as people, and inviting more of the very behavior they say they hate.

YOU can be a part of closing this gap:

1. Change starts with the only person you control… You!  Ask yourself,

   “ Am I as vigilant in demanding the eradication of my own bigotry as I am in demanding the eradication of theirs? —ANATOMY OF PEACE BOOK

2. Watch the 10 minute TED Talk below:  Police officers in the most complained upon unit in their department learned how to create positive change.  A change that has resulted in them building community relationships and receiving zero complaints in 6 years, while increasing the effectiveness of their mission in the community.
   If you can’t see this video in your RSS reader or email, then click here.
    

   “ What if protests turned into fundraisers to provide training and support for police officers and communities?

3. Purchase a copy of The Anatomy of Peace Book. This book is the foundation of the training those officers received.  It is a life changing book for almost everyone that reads it.  (Something I continue to witness on our international housing compound and something you can validate by reading the reviews on Amazon.)

Please share: What would you add to this list?

Last fall we took an African Safari. Prior to leaving, several friends, raved about their safari experiences, claiming that it was their most epic vacation, and numero uno on a list of several destinations.

When I asked why… One friend said it was because of the animals.

Interesting. I LOVE animals, but I’ve been to the zoo and and wildlife parks. How could simply being in Africa create an epic vacation?

Once we were on our safari I realized that:

• In both the zoo and the wildlife park – You arrive whenever it’s convenient for you, but it may be after the animals have eaten breakfast, played, and are resting. (Which isn’t nearly as exciting as it could be.)
• In the wildlife parks – You don’t know what’s coming, but you drive in a car with the window up and look at the animals.
• At the zoo – You have a map and signs to follow, so no matter how magnificent the animals are, you know what’s coming next.

In Africa:

• We were up early – to be out when the animals were moving.
• We drove in an open jeep. No doors, no windows, no roof – nothing to limit our view or our experience.
• Each time we turned a corner we had absolutely no idea what we’d see. …Maybe a dust cloud, maybe one giraffe, an entire herd of elephants, or a new baby zebra.

We felt like kids that were on a grand adventure as feelings of anticipation, curiosity, awe and joy bubbled out of us – each time we discovered another group of animals in their natural surroundings.   …Playing, eating, exploring, and even roaring.

Several years ago I had lunch with a lady that had recently been asked to serve on the same board I had been asked to serve on.

For more than an hour we talked about the current state of the organization, the needs we had identified so far, the things we were trying to understand and figure out, the challenges we were facing and what we needed to do about them.  She was brilliant, witty, passionate and fully engaged in our conversation.

As we both prepared to head back to our offices she observed that although we had worked through the entire lunch, she felt like we were kids that had just had a play date. 

She was spot on!  We’d been like curious children exploring “what was” and “what could be”.  Our brains had been challenged, our passions ignited, a friendship was forming, and we were solving problems!

“ What if… Challenging conversations made us light up, like children at play?

I have frequently written about current issues that cause division and need solutions:

• Two weeks ago I shared specific reasons that each of us needs to learn to think at a higher level
• And last week I shared reasons that we need to be engaging in rich and meaningful dialogue with people that don’t agree with us

Instead of difficult dialogues:

“ What if… We would learn how to have “conversation safaris” that feel like adventures?

Imagine…

• Climbing into open jeep, instead of a car with the windows rolled up.
• Driving without a map, knowing you will enter unknown territory.
• Risking feeling vulnerable, so that you can feel like a child that is exploring, discovering, learning and filled with joy.
• Being curious instead of judgmental – And talk about what that roar means, why that elephant is in the road, which animals are predictable and which ones are not, and if that vulture is good or bad…
• Anticipating that this adventure will delight you, challenge you, build relationships and lead to real problem solving.

Sound like fun?  Then begin seeking others that don’t believe everything you believe and invite them to have an adventure with you!  

“ And in all conversations… Always prepare to be amazed. —CELESTE HEADLEE

Want more on this topic?

Do you have the courage to let them speak their truth?

Image Credits –Vacation Photos Kapama Game Reserve