For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

How badly do you want to know the end of the story?

Have you ever been in the midst of reading a book and just had to look at the last few pages to see how it ends?

Have you ever been at the bookstore and flipped ahead in  the books you are considering, to decide which ending you would prefer to read?

Or do you consistently read the story as it is written:

• Bonding with a character because of the challenges they are facing?
• Cheering for them to come through it all, victoriously?
• Fully experiencing all of the emotions they are feeling?

How about with your own story?

• The water is rising in the midst of a storm – will the house flood?
• That amazing person just asked you out – will you have a future together?
• A loved one just passed away – how will you go on?
• The interview you just had, seemed to go so well – will you get the job?
• Layoffs are happening – If you lose your job, how will you provide?

Are you anxiously trying to look ahead trying see what the next chapter holds?

Wishing you could flip past all hard things?

Trying to make your ideal ending come true?

I ask because my story has me on the edge of something that my heart has been desiring for a very long time. As I anticipate the days ahead, I also find myself pondering the times my story has thrown me some of those unwanted plot twists. Seasons of gut wrenching experiences, drama, change or waiting…

In every case:

• God used those situations to help me become softer, stronger, and wiser.
• I’ve learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is faithful.

And when my heart’s desires have finally come, they have been so much sweeter.

I’m not just speaking for myself.  This is true for people that have had their homes flooded, lost spouses and children, and jobs.

If you are in the midst of waiting, unwanted change, or struggle: Be encouraged.

“ Great stories are filled with drama, twists, turns, up and downs.

“ Unwanted plot twists can help you become softer, stronger and wiser.

And as crazy as it may sound, you can experience more peace and ultimately more joy.

Below are 3 Tips for fully experiencing your story as it unfolds:

1. Be thankful even in the midst of unwanted plot twists. (Seriously.) Stop and list at least three things you are thankful for. Do this as often as you need to. Multiple times in an hour, several times a day or once a day. Doing this retrains your brain to stop focusing on everything that is hard and shines a bright light on everything you’ve been blessed with.
2. Make a list of what you are learning. And keep adding to that list long after the struggle ends. You’ll be amazed at the clarity that comes when you are through the struggle.
3. Share your story with others. What did you feel? How did you react? How did you get through it? What did you learn? How have you changed? Everyone struggles with something. Your story has the power to transform your future and the lives of others.

PLEASE SHARE:  What is your story teaching you?

Have you ever:

• Participated in conversations about the behavior of certain titled leaders?
• Expressed frustration at situations that seem corrupt, not in line with core values or unfair?
• Wondered why opportunities to problem solve and improve the future were not taken?

Have you ever spoken these words, “Why doesn’t “someone” do something?”  

When the change you want to see isn’t happening “out there”… 

“ What if, YOU are “the someone” that everyone is waiting for?

Below are 21 Reasons that it might be time for YOU to Take Action:

AT WORK – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Decrease silos
2. Increase employee engagement and retention
3. Increase customer satisfaction
4. Reduce expenses
5. Reduce risk
6. Limit layoffs
7. Increase profit

IN YOUR COMMUNITY – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Build stronger relationships
2. Work together on a shared vision
3. Increase involvement
4. Communicate more effectively
5. Improve the quality of life
6. Increase safety
7. Create a stronger future

IN YOUR NATION – Do YOU see opportunities to:

1. Increase ownership
2. Improve accountability
3. Improve collaboration
4. Grow trust
5. Decrease inefficiency and waste
6. Improve results
7. Make the vision a reality

If you see any of those opportunities.  If you’ve ever said those words.  Who are you waiting for? 

Yes it takes courage to lead up, but…

“ If not YOU, then WHO? #LeadChange

I am convinced that most of the answers workplaces, communities and nations are seeking today are lying dormant inside of their employees, customer and suppliers. …Just waiting to be discovered and unleashed.

Learn More About Leading Up Here

I was facilitating a workshop for students. The goal was to help everyone identify the bubbles they live in, and to encourage them to strategically pop those bubbles.

I asked questions that encouraged laughter:

• What is the craziest food you have ever eaten? Answers varied from peas to snake… (Yes for some of us, eating vegetables is crazy!)

Then questions that would help them think about their courage:

• When was the last time you stood up to a bully? Answers varied from never to yesterday.

And then questions to facilitate deeper thinking:

• When was the last time that you tried to understand someone else’s point of view, before sharing your own…?

Their teacher is dedicated, wise, fun, energetic, very compassionate and constantly models that learning is for everyone.  She laughed and encouraged the entire process.

When she said the last time she stood up to a bully was two days earlier – Some of her students were surprised that even adults have to stand up to bullies.  Others were simply inspired.

A few minutes later, I reminded all of the students that one of the habits of highly effective people is seeking to understand someone else’s point of view (POV), before sharing your own.  Their teacher processed that quickly and shared that she doesn’t think she has ever done that. …And then I was inspired.

• Their teacher modeled vulnerability, courage, learning and growth
• Showing her students that it is healthy to identify and pop our own bubbles
• Emphasizing that whatever change we want to see in the world begins with ourselves

Now fast forward several weeks.

Our International Conversation Safari Participants were discussing harassment and culture.

We compared experiences and the norms in different size business, different types of businesses, different states, and in the countries each one of us is from.

Then considered times that that cultural differences have made us feel uncomfortable.  And agreed that most cultural differences are explainable and excusable until someone voices their discomfort with a cultural norm.

Emphasizing that the moment someone says they are uncomfortable we have three choices:

1. To can stay in our own bubbles and defend our culture
2. To attempt to pop other people’s bubbles by getting angry
3. Or to pop our own bubbles by reaching out, listening and seeking first to understand

The first two options are easy choices that make us part of the problem.

The third option takes more time and energy but makes highly effective solutions possible.

“ When was the last time you deeply considered someone else’s POV before you shared your own?

A friend recently had an appointment with a doctor. The doctor started to prescribe medicine to treat the symptoms of a gut issue.

So the patient advocated for herself. She reminded the doctor that she has additional medical issues that are bigger than the gut issue. She has osteoporosis and needs a stronger skeletal system and this medicine will make her bones weaker.

The doctor heard her concern and thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess you need to look at the whole picture.”

“ When we treat the symptoms of one part we can actually increase the problems for other parts.

At work and in our world is easy to focus on one piece of the puzzle:

• What is happening right now
• The goals that are not being met
• How we are being impacted
• The things we fear
• The causes we care about

“ When we seek first to understand we begin to see the other pieces of the puzzle.

The piece versus the whole:

Firing that long-term formerly high-performing employee. But not evaluating what has changed or what could be done about it.

Setting individual performance goals for employees that conflict with company objectives. But not evaluating why either the people or the company continually miss the mark.

Asking industry leaders to attend an advisory meeting so your school can continue to be accredited.   But telling them what you do, instead of asking for them what they need you to be teaching.

Spending millions of dollars to create a new program for your company without promoting the benefits of this new program to your sales team or your customers. But when sales goals aren’t achieved, that program is thrown out the window instead of leveraging it as the competitive edge that it is.

Arguing about if it is ok to kneel during the national anthem or not. …But not talking about how we work together to continue to close the gap between our country’s vision and our reality.

Debating compassion for future refugees versus national security as if they are the only pieces in the puzzle. But not investing that same level of energy to examine how current immigrants receive support and direction.  Resulting in missed opportunities to collaborate and accomplish both goals while helping people fall in love with their new home.

“ It is much more effective to examine the whole picture before we begin prescribing solutions.

Do you make decisions based on one or two pieces of a puzzle?  Or do you intentionally step back and examine the whole picture first?

Need help focusing on the whole picture?  Contact Chery to learn more.   

I walked around the corner and into the office. The moment I saw her, I knew I was going to employ her. A high performing employee had referred her.   She was professionally attired, already chatting with others on the team, and I knew that she had an impressive resume.

In spite of everything that looked so positive, I kept the interview consistent with all others. And not surprisingly, she soared through the first few questions.

And then I asked my favorite one. “What are your weaknesses?”

Her response, “I don’t have any.”

Wait, what? She didn’t really say that did she?

I rephrased the question.

She responded, “I used to be bad at public speaking, but I worked at that. I don’t have any other weaknesses.”

I redirected again. Looking for a signal that she knew that she was an imperfect human. That she was coachable. That she could play well on a team.

Negative. She said again that she had no weaknesses.

“ Would you have hired her?

You guessed it. I didn’t hire her.

…And for years, I’ve leveraged that experience to coach job seekers.

But you don’t have to be a job seeker to learn from that story.

Think for a minute about the issues in our world that you are focused on.

How many of the people involved have impressive resumes and look professional?

But in spite of their qualifications they:

• Can’t see or admit that they have weaknesses?
• Are unwilling hear or consider another perspective?

Imperfect humans that think they can do no wrong – fuel division and prevent problem solving.

Their egos don’t foster collaboration or solutions.

“ Our world needs leaders that know that they aren’t perfect.

We need people that listen deeply, knowing that others have witnessed, researched or considered something they haven’t.  Those are the ones that will be willing to work together to solve big issues.

What questions are you asking when you seek out, listen to, employ, promote, elect, and reelect people?

Every human on the planet will be tempted by pride.

Behind that little word is a fire that has the power to destroy potential, character, callings, and lives.

Below are three critical things to remember, when pride woos you:

1. Your calling can become your idol if you let it

You were born with unique gifts and a big dream to serve others.

On your way to your big dream you may receive lots of positive feedback about what you are capable of, and your passion for your cause.

There is both sweetness and a danger in that praise:

• The sweetness comes with the affirmation that you were born for this.
• The danger comes when the positive press distracts you.

Distraction comes like a sudden craving. It is swift and subtle– and has the power to shift the focus of even the most humble and sincere.

In a flash, the hunger for more praise can become the driving reason you act. And as you feed that craving it consumes you. Making you less and less qualified and able to serve.

Ultimately replacing the people and the cause you care about with yourself.

“ When pride comes, then comes disgrace. —PROVERBS

2. Heed the wisdom of truth speakers

As you work to make your dream a reality you will meet people who believe in you, your potential and your vision.

Some of those people will also be able to see gaps in your skills, your choices or your character. (I know that’s uncomfortable. But you’re human and gaps are a part of the gig, so grit up and keep reading.)

If someone has the courage to speak to you about those gaps – consider:

• Have they taken the time to share this with you, because they believe you are worth investing in?
• What are you risking if you don’t carefully consider what they are sharing?
• What will you gain if you accept their coaching?

“ The one that hears correction, possesses wisdom. —PROVERBS

3. Protect yourself with a “strategic sandwich”

Imagine that you play professional football for a living.

• If you won game, after game, after game and everyone was praising your uncommon ability.  Would you be tempted, even a little bit, to believe the press you are getting?
• If you played a critical game terribly and received tons of negative press   Would you struggle, to recover?

When Tim Tebow was playing for the NFL, he protected his character from the dangers of pride with a “strategic sandwich” that would help him stay focused on the mission and on others when he was most vulnerable to the temptation of pride.

Tim started a foundation for critically ill children and would spend time before and after each game with children that had life threatening illnesses and their families.    

• Before he walked on the field to play a game he was reminded how precious life was, what a blessing it is to have the love and support of a family, and how much he had to be thankful for.
• When each game ended, no matter how he played, no matter how the team played, he was reminded again of all that he had been given.
• His time with those children and their families, helped him stay humble by keeping his focus on others instead of on himself.
• And each time he stepped onto the field, he would kneel to give thanks to the one that gave it all to him.

If you live your life as if everything is about you… You will be left with just that.  Just you.  -Toby Mac

How do you protect yourself from the woo of pride?

We’ve all been there…

When our boss hires a friend:

• Then the friend leverages that relationship to charm their way out of responsibility and accountability.

When laws are created for the good of all:

• But certain groups are consistently exempt from the law.

When an executive relocates:

• And thinks company policy does not apply to him.

Inconsistency is unfair and confusing.  It creates stress, erodes trust, increases frustration, wears people out, decreases ownership and limits potential.

On the flip side of that, fairness:

1. Helps people feel heard, seen and considered
2. Tears down walls of self-protection
3. Encourages conversations
4. Increases understanding
5. Builds trust
6. Fuels collaboration
7. Unleashes energy and engagement
8. Creates positive change
9. Builds momentum
10. Maximizes results

A leader I’ve admired for many years received this feedback when he decided to run for a public office, “I have known him a long time and have done business with him on several occasions. I have to say he always treated me fair. I did not always get my way, but he always, treated me fair. …That’s just the way he is and how he does business, fair & square.”

“ That kind of fairness: Positively impacts people, problem solving and growth.

Yet so many leaders fail to cultivate fairness in their organizations.

Patrick Lencioni points out one very important reason why titled leaders often avoid simple but effective solutions:

..Simple solutions usually require discipline and hard work over time, while the sophisticated ones seem like shiny silver bullets, capable of making a problem go away in one innovative shot.

“ Fairness is hard work.

It requires focus, effort, consistency, and humility.

But the impact is worth the effort.

Have you ever made a strategic effort to be consistent, fair and explainable?

If not – why not make it your goal for the New Year?  (2018 will be very different from 2017 if you do!)

Got a Leadership Question – Contact Chery

I recently visited a high school that has invested years teaching their students to be activists.

While that effort alone is impressive.  The uncommon skill they are teaching, and modeling for the students is even more so.

Through instruction and experience, their students are learning that a healthy culture is a balanced culture.  And that in a balanced culture it is possible to think critically and to be compassionate.

They are learning how to shine a bright light on truth with data and personal experiences.  …While getting involved with, and loving people that have made choices they disagree with.

They are engaging people and growing their cause because of their unique approach.  And the impact they are having on the students, families and the community is beyond impressive.

What those students and their families may not realize:

• Is that it is uncommon it is to learn to balance challenging concepts.
• This skill will benefit every part of their lives in the years to come.  (As individuals. with their families, in the businesses and non profits they will serve and within the communities and nation they will live in.)

Now imagine the cultures you are a part of: 

“ Is a balanced culture part of your strategy to improve engagement and growth?

Are Truth and Love strategically poured into the foundation and the future?

Is Vision balanced with Ownership?

• Do you have a vision?
• Does everyone know why it is important? And how they impact the vision?
• Is it clearly and frequently communicated both internally and externally?
• Is that vision used to guide decisions or to decorate walls?
• Are all teams measured on goals that support that vision – or are they forced to fight each other and work against the vision to accomplish their objectives?
• How often do they experience uncommon synergy and results?
• Are all people empowered and unleashed to bring their best to your organization?
• Does everyone listen to and respond to your customers, members or citizens?

Is EVERYONE unleashed to make the greatest difference possible?

When that happens, people at every level take ownership of the opportunities they see and:

• Individuals have more freedom, energy, commitment and growth
• Teams experience greater collaboration, synergy, engagement and results
• Customers are valued, honored, and continually amazed

Is Accountability balanced with Compassion?

Are all wafts of smoke followed to the source and fires are extinguished before they spread?

Do Smoke-Chasers:

• Seek the whole truth about opportunities in the organization?
• Weigh everything against the company vision, mission and values?
• Confront internal barriers that are preventing titled leaders from listening and responding to employees or from communicating & problem solving with peers?
• Balance consistency with fairness in their conversations and decision making?
• Treat people with respect – regardless of their title, personality style or behavior?
• Address inappropriate behavior – “Boss babies” grow up or leave, Manipulators change or go?
• Help their organizations overcome challenges and grow:  Often reducing risk, increasing efficiency and maximizing results without added expense?

Those who build strong balanced cultures are rewarded with uncommon:  

• Engagement: Their people are committed, and energized.
• Growth: Because they’re leveraging the wisdom and passion of many.

Some people and organizations hate conflict.

They fear:

1. Discomfort
2. Disagreements
3. Judgmental words
4. Explosive behavior
5. Relationships struggling or ending

Then they allow that fear to drive their results!

• Some feel victimized by the past and hold so tightly to those emotions that they experience less joy and less productivity.
• Others have rumbling fires of anger burning about present issues. Occasionally smoke seeps out as they vent to those closest to them. As those fires continue to grow everyone is at risk of their eventual eruption.
• Some are unwilling to learn an alternative way of dealing with conflict.
• Others don’t realize there is an alternative.
• And none realize that their choice to wait for the other party to change, is spreading growth-eating bacteria throughout their organization.

“ Unresolved conflict does not go away. —DAVID ROTH

9 Ways that the fear of conflict kills and destroys:

1. The ability to consider the needs of others is replaced with “self” first
2. Comfort zones become more important than the mission
3. Small problems are unaddressed and become big ones
4. New opportunities are avoided
5. Collaboration decreases
6. Energy, engagement and hope fade
7. Growth declines
8. People leave
9. It becomes harder and harder to simply maintain

“ Fear of conflict is a growth-eating bacteria that kills and destroys.

Learning how to engage in healthy conflict:

1. Builds confidence while increasing compassion
2. Keeps the focus on the mission
3. Limits the growth of problems
4. Unleashes opportunities
5. Fosters collaboration
6. Generates energy, engagement and hope
7. Fuels growth
8. Entices people
9. Multiplies possibilities and creates a stronger future

While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, a marriage, or a life, any single conversation can.  -Susan Scott

Want to learn how to have healthy conflict?   Check out the resources below:

1. Silos, Politics and Turf Wars
2. The Anatomy of Peace Book
3. Peacemakers Study
4. Fierce Conversations

Want to experience healthy and productive conflict?

A Conversation Safari is a workshop that merges the spirit and adventure of a real safari with an opportunity to dialogue with and learn from those that think differently than you do. …Helping you turn unaligned agendas & conflict into an adventure that fuels problem solving.

Conversation Safari’s are designed to help participants BALANCE the use of their brains AND their hearts. Resulting a dialogue that is fueled by critical thinking AND compassion.

Attendees leave with increased understanding, energy and hope.

Contact Chery to learn more about Conversation Safari’s.