For more than a decade I’ve been thinking about challenging conversations.

• About the people that avoid them at all costs.
• And about the people that drive over others with their opinions while refusing to listen to another point of view.

How do you usually respond?  (I’ve done both.)

And while I’ve been thinking about the importance of those conversations, I’ve been listening, learning and growing.

Below is a short list of reasons why it is so important for all of us to learn how to have these conversations:

1. Most of us don’t know how to have discussions about difficult topics.
2. FAKING peace and pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
3. Staying in our own little corners and talking to those that think like us, doesn’t build bridges or trust with those that don’t.
4. The blame game never solves anything.
5. BREAKING peace by shouting, labeling and name-calling increases the division.
6. People matter.
7. Truth matters.
8. Compassion matters.
9. Critical thinking matters.
10. Character matters.
11. You have experienced, witnessed, researched and considered things that no one else has.
12. Others have experienced witnessed, researched and considered things you have not.
13. Half-baked solutions based on only part of the information will never solve a problem.
14. The purpose of our freedom is to be able to research, dialogue, learn and problem solve – together.
15. I need to know what you know, and you need to know what I know.
16. We can’t heal the past if we can’t discuss it.
17. We can’t create a stronger future if stay in our own bubbles and refuse to collaborate.
18. Real Peace MAKING makes a stronger future possible.

“ Change never begins “out there”.  It begins with the only person will ever control…   Ourselves.

Will you choose to be part of the solution?

If you live in greater Houston – Please join us for an energy-filled, hope-infused workshop on November 6th from 6:30 – 9 PM.  (People of different races, religions, political parties, ages, educational backgrounds are driving from all sides of Houston to participate.)

Learn more and get your tickets here:

CONVERSATION Safari Houston

I confess that I’m the sort of person that gravitates towards my own tribe. I consciously seek out interactions with people that I perceive to be like me and I imagine that most people are like this. Going where they fit in. The safaris have broken down those barriers. They have allowed me to rub my mind with the minds of women from very diverse backgrounds. I’ve come away knowing that I can have a deep sisterly bond with a lady from a completely different cultural, religious or racial makeup.C.H.
A frequent CONVERSATION Safari Participant from Zimbabwe and the USA

Some people and organizations hate conflict.

They fear:

1. Discomfort
2. Disagreements
3. Judgmental words
4. Explosive behavior
5. Relationships struggling or ending

Then they allow that fear to drive their results!

• Some feel victimized by the past and hold so tightly to those emotions that they experience less joy and less productivity.
• Others have rumbling fires of anger burning about present issues. Occasionally smoke seeps out as they vent to those closest to them. As those fires continue to grow everyone is at risk of their eventual eruption.
• Some are unwilling to learn an alternative way of dealing with conflict.
• Others don’t realize there is an alternative.
• And none realize that their choice to wait for the other party to change, is spreading growth-eating bacteria throughout their organization.

“ Unresolved conflict does not go away. —DAVID ROTH

9 Ways that the fear of conflict kills and destroys:

1. The ability to consider the needs of others is replaced with “self” first
2. Comfort zones become more important than the mission
3. Small problems are unaddressed and become big ones
4. New opportunities are avoided
5. Collaboration decreases
6. Energy, engagement and hope fade
7. Growth declines
8. People leave
9. It becomes harder and harder to simply maintain

“ Fear of conflict is a growth-eating bacteria that kills and destroys.

Learning how to engage in healthy conflict:

1. Builds confidence while increasing compassion
2. Keeps the focus on the mission
3. Limits the growth of problems
4. Unleashes opportunities
5. Fosters collaboration
6. Generates energy, engagement and hope
7. Fuels growth
8. Entices people
9. Multiplies possibilities and creates a stronger future

While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a business, a marriage, or a life, any single conversation can.  -Susan Scott

Want to learn how to have healthy conflict?   Check out the resources below:

1. Silos, Politics and Turf Wars
2. The Anatomy of Peace Book
3. Peacemakers Study
4. Fierce Conversations

Want to experience healthy and productive conflict?

A Conversation Safari is a workshop that merges the spirit and adventure of a real safari with an opportunity to dialogue with and learn from those that think differently than you do. …Helping you turn unaligned agendas & conflict into an adventure that fuels problem solving.

Conversation Safari’s are designed to help participants BALANCE the use of their brains AND their hearts. Resulting a dialogue that is fueled by critical thinking AND compassion.

Attendees leave with increased understanding, energy and hope.

Contact Chery to learn more about Conversation Safari’s.  

On Monday morning women from 9 different nations connected in an online Conversation Safari to explore the question… Are you being manipulated?

During that discussion, we talked about different kinds of manipulation.

1. Unintentional manipulation – like a guilt trip to get someone to do what you want him or her to do.
2. Intentional manipulation – when someone intentionally distorts facts for personal gain.
3. Intentional AND strategic manipulation – when someone strategically distorts facts, and creates disruption to accomplish a specific goal.

Most people on the call believe that intentional AND strategic manipulation happens more often than we realize.

A few days later I stumbled into a real life example of their point.

I was attending a public meeting and just before the meeting closed…

A woman took a seat in front of an elected official that has been manipulating facts and people.

As she spoke into the microphone, her statement shined a bright light on important details:

• First she quoted policy and reminded everyone in the room how disagreements and concerns were supposed to be handled.
• Then she listed specific dates and read exact quotes when this man had publically posted statements that were out of line with that policy.
• After reading each one of his quotes, she shared actual data from meeting minutes, and from emails that countered his false statements.

Her data made a huge impact:

• Filling in missing information that altered his stories completely.
• Supporting co-workers that he’d attacked.
• Effectively defending her own work.

She made each point with confidence, often looking up and making eye contact with the man that is used to intimidating others into silence.

As she spoke, his red face deepened in color.

His only verbal responses were to request a copy of what she read, and to ask if the meeting was over.

He made no attempt to explain or defend.  And provided no indication of shame, remorse or correction.

As women come together to stand against Weinstein’s abuse of power.  This one woman, was alone at the microphone.

Courageously standing against the behavior of  a titled leader that has been scheming to destroy truth, teamwork and individuals for his own gain.  

I don’t know what the future holds for that man, the people that work with him or the people that he was elected to serve.

But I do know this:  

“ Each of us has a responsibility to be truth detectives.

“ Check ALL the facts, and think critically.

“ Grit up and STAND for TRUTH!

-Regardless of the group you typically align yourself with.  

• (Loyalty to political party, religion, social network, co-workers, friends and even family –  should be second to TRUTH.)

Please share: Have you ever stood alone against a schemer?

If there is a schemer in your workplace, below are 9 tips to help you stand against and rise above their behavior.

You can be manipulated by:

• A boss, co-worker or an employee
• A family member or a friend
• An elected official or a dictator
• A religious authority
• The media or Hollywood

In our next Conversation Safari we will be discussing manipulation.  

Below are some of the questions and thoughts we will consider:

1. Have you ever been manipulated?  
2. By one person, a group of people or strangers?
   • “Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.” Eric Hoffer
3. When has it been unintentional? 
4. When has it been intentional?  (Maybe for personal gain without considering long-term consequences.)
5.  When has it been intentional AND strategic?  (To control people and results.)
   • Hitler believed that the skillful and unremitting use of propaganda could persuade people to believe that Heaven was Hell…
6. Do you always know when you are being manipulated? 
7. How is manipulation impacting your life and your environment?  
8. How do you respond when it happens?  
9. What can you do differently to discern when manipulation is happening and choose a wiser response?
   • “Belief can be manipulated. Only knowledge is dangerous.” ― Frank Herbert

Please share your thoughts about these questions and quotes in the comments.

After the Safari – I’ll share participant feedback in a new post on this blog.

TIP:  If you frequently lump everyone of a particular:

• Race
• Rationality
• Faith
• Political Party
• Uniform
• Position

…Into a single stereotype – You are failing to see them as people. -Anatomy of Peace Book

“ If you can’t see past the stereotype:  Has your thinking been manipulated?

You can change that and choose to become a truth detective: 

1. Take a break from the news, Hollywood, and the people you normally surround yourself with.
2. Dig deeper.  Read further.
3. Meet with others.  Listen first.  Then share your perspective.
4. Pray for discernment.
5. Share what you are learning.
6. Repeat the process.

“ A wise man will hear and increase learning. —PROVERBS

(True Story!)

Imagine being a new Office Manager for a small company. The first day on the job your new boss, a.k.a the owner, meets you at the office.  He stays there for the morning and then leaves.

The other employees work afternoons and weekends. So you’re in a new role, in a new industry. You’re alone at the office, answering phones, and trying to create a weekend work schedule for people you have never met, with less than 4 hours of “training.”

Logic says that you should not be surprised when that first busy weekend goes south. But your new boss loses it!

He’s in his mid forties, tall, long legged and thin. Now his string bean legs are stomping around the office, while he is hollering, blaming and yes – he even throws a pen across the room in frustration. (Not at you – thankfully!) But wow!  Just wow!

If his behavior weren’t so immature and shocking – you would have doubled over in laughter at how crazy he looked!

In the heat of the moment you could decide that you have no desire to work for this Boss Baby.  And you could walk out the door, put in your notice, begin updating your resume…

Or you could make some uncommon choices:

1. Grit up and speak truth with grace:  Speaking softly but firmly, remind him that the jobs that are going south right now won’t be saved by yelling and blaming. And start exploring options to save those jobs.
2. Take the HEAT: Call disappointed and angry customers. (Before they call you.) Listen carefully and let them know that you Hear them, and Empathize with them. Apologize and explain that you will Take action, and explain what you will do to prevent this issue in the future. (Clients saved.)
3. Unleash common sense and develop the organization: Meet with the new boss and the employees to get a clearer understanding of the logistical challenges, and the strengths and weaknesses of each team member.
4. Train, build, monitor and continuously improve: Train employees and create processes to make their jobs easier and more efficient. Put procedures in place that improve communication with customers and monitor ongoing opportunities for improvement.

The rest of the story…

This Office Manager began to understand that the boss really wanted to be the vision guy that came up with ideas, made investments and then stepped aside to let others run the company.

The “toddler” began to grow: By staying calm, speaking truth and creating strong supportive processes for the employees and the customers – the Office Manager created an environment that helped the inner child in her boss grow up.

Employees and customers were happier and less stressed: As they consistently received clear direction and stronger support.

The Office Manager reaped what she had sown: Each year, as the company grew, her value increased. And she was frequently surprised with raises and additional benefits.

Your turn:

• How do you handle temper tantrums at the office?
• How has a titled leader’s poor behavior impacted employees, customers and results?
• What happened to that titled leader, their employees and their customers?

Our world needs people who can lead positive change!

It requires unshakable vision, grit and character.  Recently I’ve been watching a story develop in the U.S. that is worth studying – Even if you don’t live there.

For those that aren’t aware of this story, this is a quick look at the facts:  

Colin Kapernick is a professional football player that recently decided to exercise some of the freedom our country grants everyone.

He decided to stay seated during our national anthem, as the rest of the stadium stood and honored our flag and our country.

Colin says he is protesting because, “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”

His decision created a lot of heated debate with some people criticizing his patriotism, some people defending his right to protest and others applauding his reason for protesting.

It did not take long to discover that Colin chose to wear socks with pictures of pigs in police uniforms during practice, which caused more debate.

A short time later he met with a Nate Boyer, a former Green Beret Soldier and professional football player with his own passion for freeing the oppressed. Their conversation resulted in Colin’s decision to kneel; instead of sitting the next time the National Anthem was played.

Colin has also indicated that he will donate $1 Million to help those affected by police injustices.

Lessons for Change Leaders:

ACKNOWLEDGE THE GAP BETWEEN WHAT IS AND WHAT COULD BE:  Although our country has made significant progress towards our vision, we aren’t there yet. (I’ve written about that gap before and made suggestions about actions that each of us can take to close that gap.)

LEVERAGE RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO YOU:  All U.S. citizens have the right to speak out on any issue and to peacefully assemble. Although I can’t imagine not standing for our anthem, our uncommon freedom gives Colin the right to protest in this way.

LISTEN TO OTHERS:  Colin deeply considered Nate Boyer’s perspective and decided that as his protest continues he will kneel instead of sitting. His new choice demonstrates respect while protesting.

THE CONTENT OF YOUR CHARACTER MATTERS:  Wearing socks with pigs in police uniforms is antagonistic, and indicates that ALL police officers are contributing to the problem. It also implies that the public is never wrong and should never be accountable for their choices and actions. This choice did nothing to facilitate healing or change. Instead it fueled more division and causes police officers to be more defensive and fearful of the kind of behavior that Colin appears to be encouraging.

STAY FOCUSED ON THE SOLUTION: Making a donation to victims of injustice is compassionate. But it focuses only on what has gone wrong instead of helping things to change for the better. All change leaders need to ask themselves, “Are my actions helping to facilitate a solution?”

CELEBRATE PROGRESS:  Our focus drives our behavior and our behavior drives our results. If we spend all of our time and energy talking about what isn’t working, instead of remembering how far we have come, we will be discouraged and angry.   And those negative emotions will continue to fuel negative results and increase the size of the gap.

Harvard sociologist Orlando Patterson is known for his work regarding issues of race. He has said that “America, is now the least racist white-majority society in the world; has a better record of legal protections of minorities than any other society, white or black; and offers more opportunities to a greater number of black persons than any other society, including all of those of Africa.”

That’s something to focus on and celebrate while we continue to work to close the gap.

KEEP GOING:  Just like sports teams that must continue to practice to improve, change leaders celebrate their achievements and then keep working!

CONNECT THE TRUTH BETWEEN THE EXTREMES:  Bias exists both consciously and unconsciously. As change leaders discover connection points, they draw people in from both extremes and illuminate opportunities to work together.

 Montrell Jackson personally lived between those extremes. He was a black man and a police officer. In the two-week time between Anton Sterling’s shooting and the ambush that took his life, Montrell shared some of his thoughts and feelings in Facebook post that went viral after his death. “I’m tired physically and emotionally. Disappointed in some family, friends and officers for some reckless comments but hey what’s in your heart is in your heart. I still love you all because hate takes too much energy but I definitely won’t be looking at you the same. Thank you to everyone that has reached out to me or my wife it was needed and much appreciated. I swear to God I love this city but I wonder if this city loves me. In uniform I get nasty hateful looks and out of uniform some consider me a threat…”

 “There are those who see humanely and those who don’t in every country and faith community.  Lumping everyone of a particular race, culture, religion or uniform, into a single stereotype is a way of failing to see them as people.” -Anatomy of Peace Book (Italics mine.)

 People on both extremes of this issue, are failing to see each other as people, and inviting more of the very behavior they say they hate.

YOU can be a part of closing this gap:

1. Change starts with the only person you control… You!  Ask yourself,

   “ Am I as vigilant in demanding the eradication of my own bigotry as I am in demanding the eradication of theirs? —ANATOMY OF PEACE BOOK

2. Watch the 10 minute TED Talk below:  Police officers in the most complained upon unit in their department learned how to create positive change.  A change that has resulted in them building community relationships and receiving zero complaints in 6 years, while increasing the effectiveness of their mission in the community.
   If you can’t see this video in your RSS reader or email, then click here.
    

   “ What if protests turned into fundraisers to provide training and support for police officers and communities?

3. Purchase a copy of The Anatomy of Peace Book. This book is the foundation of the training those officers received.  It is a life changing book for almost everyone that reads it.  (Something I continue to witness on our international housing compound and something you can validate by reading the reviews on Amazon.)

Please share: What would you add to this list?

“Social media is the first true listening platform, not speaking platform.”

This week I applied that reminder to all of my life – This is what I experienced:

1. Joy!  ~ Listening to my husband as he celebrated making progress at work and with our moving company! 
2. Their Fear!  ~ Listening to clients that are in the midst of change. 
3. Enthusiasm!  ~ Listening to my niece as she shared her excitement about a very special trip.
4. Deep Admiration!  ~ Listening to my sister as she shared an update on a huge estate auction that my parents coordinated for a friend, emphasizing what a great team my parents make.    
5. Cells Dancing!  ~ Listening to a good friend as she described an especially rewarding week after choosing to face years of her own historical pain, and months of courageously stepping outside of her comfort zone.
6. Thankfulness!  ~ Listening to experienced expats as they offered more information and cultural lessons about this new land that I’m in.
7. Struggle!  ~ As I learned that some of my friends are being forced to take one-day each week as unpaid furlough from their jobs.
8. Sadness ~ As I listened to a friend that just lost a loved one on the heels of losing two others.
9. Introspection ~ As I listened to:  A virtual debate about how to listen more on Social Media and still promote effectively.  A book club discussion about the story of success.  And two thought provoking Tweet Chats about good and bad leaders and sincere and insincere leaders. 
10. Refreshing water, vitamin D, and some cardio ~ As I listened to my body as it screamed for sunshine and exercise.
11. An attitude adjustment ~ As I listened to my favorite music and read words of truth. 
12. Vision, purpose, hope and legacy ~ As I read an incredible blog series by Barry Smith about his recent trip to Guatemala with John Maxwell.  This link will take you to a video to help you understand what they were doing there.  (It is very inspiring!)  This link will take you to Barry’s final article in the series, the bottom of the post includes links to articles about his experience each day they were there.  

Please share:  Who did you listen to this week?  What did you experience? 

Posts we recommend about the benefits of listening within organizations.

• To Hear the Truth, You Have to Listen
• The Answers are on The Company Floor
• 5 Reasons Curious Leadership Will Strengthen Your Organization

PhotoCredit:  iStock

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Have you downloaded our NEW Instigating Change Checklist? It’s full of tips to help you Instigate Change no matter where you sit!

“Who sees further a dwarf or a giant? Surely a giant for his eyes are situated at a higher level than those of the dwarf. But if the dwarf is placed on the shoulders of the giant who sees further?

This quote was the inspiration for a virtual community called Lead With Giants It is made up of people from all over the world that are passionate advocates of uplifting leadership.

Lead With Giants is one of five virtual leadership communities that I frequently connect with and learn from.  (This particular group is highly engaged, collaborative and as the quote indicates each member has had the benefit of being the dwarf and the giant.)  You are welcome to connect with us on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and Google+!  

Each month leadership articles that have been written by Lead With Giants Members are compiled to create The Best of Lead With Giants.  

• These articles are written to refresh you, to encourage you, to help you, and to challenge you.  
• This month 17 articles are included.  

So grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair and enjoy!

We hope to see you in one or more of our community hangouts soon!

~~~

If you are new to virtual communities check out this link to learn more about why I value them so much!   

How often do you play video games?  What is the first thing you do when you are playing a new game?

When I sit down to play a new game that is filled with scenery and objectives, every part of my being wants to explore and experiment.  I’m curious how far I can wander before the screen freezes; I want to see where the path leads; I’m in awe of the creativity of the designers, and I want to know what happens when I push certain buttons!  (I drive my husband crazy, because he wants to achieve as much as possible as quickly as possible!)

In the debate about Social Media and business, some say it is the future and it must be explored!  Others say it is a source of information and connections and a critical marketing tool.   While another group says it is a waste of time, a risk and that it must be tightly controlled!

In the summer of 2010, I learned that I would be moving from Baton Rouge, LA to Tulsa, OK.  I was moving to a city I had never lived in AND starting a new business.

After watching the YouTube Video:  Social Media Revolution 2 I was convinced that Social Media was the future and that it must be explored!  At the same time, I knew NOTHING about any of the Social Media Platforms. (I was sure that LinkedIn was just a glorified address book and I wasn’t even on Facebook!)

[Tweet “Why are you on Social Media?”]

Within days of joining Facebook I was catching up on the lives of family members I had not seen in over a decade and literally watching and laughing as my cousin’s adventure with a skunk was shared in real time…  (Yep – I was hooked!)

When I joined LinkedIn I did two things that come naturally to me.

1. I explored.  “Creativity is more important than knowledge.”  Einstein
2. I networked.  “The successful networkers I know, the ones receiving tons of referrals and feeling truly happy about themselves, continually put the other person’s needs ahead of their own.” –Bob Burg

In that process I joined several groups that looked interesting.  One of those groups was called The Lead Change Group on LinkedIn.  (I did not know anything about the group except that I’m freaky passionate about Leadership and about Change and I was exploring!

Shortly after I arrived in Tulsa I realized that Mike Henry, The Lead Instigator of that group lived in the area.  So I called Mike and we met for coffee.

Mike explained that The Lead Change Group was a virtual group of people from multiple countries that were passionate about Character-Based Leadership that they had decided to instigate a leadership revolution!  I also learned that besides their presence on LinkedIn, they were on Facebook, and Twitter, and collectively wrote a popular leadership blog.  I was in awe!  Here was a group of people focused on the things that make the cells in my body dance!  …So I started to spend A LOT of time with them:

• I blogged with them
• I Tweeted with them
• I joined their calls
• Then Mike shared a dream to turn up the volume and create a local group that would host events to engage others in a dialog about leadership challenges.  And soon I had the opportunity to work with several local partners and Lead Change Tulsa was born!
• Then the virtual group decided we should write a book.   So 21 of us, from 3 different countries, began collaborating. In spite of the fact that most of us have never met in person we successfully launched The Character-Based Leader, Instigating A Leadership Revolution…  One Person at a Time.

[Tweet “How has Social Media added value to your network and to your career?”]

I share all of that for several reasons:

1. To emphasize that Social Media works.  (Just before my move to Tulsa, I knew one person in Tulsa, I’ll give you a hint…  I’m married to him!)
2. In less than 2.5 years in Tulsa, I got to know a lot of people!!!   At least 1/3 of the people I met here were introduced because of The Lead Change Group. I ran into another 1/3 of the people I met in Tulsa repeatedly because of The Lead Change Group.   (Some of them even said, “Wow – you are everywhere!”  Which is cool because I rarely gave up evenings and never gave up weekends with my husband and yet there were more than enough opportunities to make connections and to launch a new business in a new city.)
3. By joining the group I had the opportunity to spend time with people from all over the world that are passionate about something I am passionate about and to learn from them.   …And WOW have I learned!
4. When I joined the group, I knew NOTHING about blogging, or Twitter, or Social Media, and I knew one person that hung out in that space!  Today I am a Co-author with 20 other people that I would not know if we had not met in the virtual world.  

[Tweet “How has Social Media impacted your personal life?”]

In November 2012 my husband and I were asked to make an international move and Social Media became another lifeline:

• It connected us to others that had and were living as expats in different parts of the world – their wisdom helped us set our expectations and plan with more confidence.
• It connected us to people that were currently living where we were headed – and they became friends and great sources of information long before we arrived.
• It provided additional ways to stay in touch with family, friends, customers, and my network.
• It kept me connected to people that love leadership as much as I do.  (And allowed me to stay involved in another virtual book project.)

And in spite of living halfway around the world it continues to provide opportunities and recognition for writing and speaking.  

If you are new to Social Media, I encourage you to do two things:

1. Pretend you are a kid again.  Be curious.  Explore
2. Network!!!  Seek first to add value to others.  Be willing to volunteer.   Ask how you can get involved

If you are looking for virtual connections check out these Social Media Groups ~

1. The Lead Change Group
2. Lead With Giants Community
3. People Skills Chat Community
4. Lead From Within Community
5. Be A Leader Community

(Some are on LinkedIn, some on Twitter, some on Google+, some on Facebook and some in multiple locations!)

[Tweet “What will you do on Social Media this week?”]

This is a link to the 2015 Version of Social Media Revolution

Photo credit:  iStockPhoto